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Interesting how I feel a tad giddy and at the same time, my usual stressed/confused self. The new gaia letters are fun and I'm enjoying mine 3nodding Fun to play with, although I think I won't like them for too long. (Of course, I'm going to keep them, though. I hoard the rares 4laugh ). Kind of strange but there's something very satisfying in finding items that are interesting to me and rare. I absolutely love the rare and unusual!

But yeah, dispite my glee of swimming in my pretties, I am also still concerned of many things. School, family, driving, friends. The list goes on...damn fourtune teller! *shakes fist* she was right!

And just so things are straight some of the topics are a little touchy so if I just happen to rip your head off for cracking a wise one on any.....you've been f***ing warned because you have no idea how hard it is for me not to strangle people these days.

As for school, I still haven't checked in with Sierra which I need to do but I'm a little confused on how it works so I need a little time. FYI: Please don't ask me what my major is or what I think I might enjoy or that if I don't act now, I'll miss 'the boat.' It really stresses me out.

Family is as remote as usual only now it feels like everyone is on my a**. Its a little hard to define 'satisfaction' when I'm the black sheep being overshadowed by a Bio-Chem major who just finished college, the grade wizz who hasn't even graduated from high school and living in a house that is all about the medical degrees when you would rather sketch a retarded chocobo.

Driving is VERY touchy for me. Its like some sort of ******** up peer pressure. HUMILIATION IS NOT GOING TO MAKE ME WANT TO LISTEN TO YOU ASSHOLES ANY SOONER. I almost want to grab a bike and ding all your ******** cars, urinate in a bottle and splash it over the windows and set fire to the apholstry. Don't go waving you prescious car in my face because I will destroy that which you treasure.

My friends are as nice as ever and still press the same buttons that they always do. I can handle that. The only problem I have is when they start worrying about crap. I just don't like it when the things that I say or do suddenly makes them want to walk up and rub my back, saying "What's wrong?" or "It's alright..." Sympathy is wasted on me. Don't bother because half the time, I'll be in a great mood and when you suddenly ask me what's wrong, you might as well have pissed on my happy moment and burried it for eternity. (And don't worry, nobody's done that for a while but its happened on quite a few occasions).

There are one or two minor subjects that I don't want to prod at because I'm afraid they will simply grow into the worst kind. One in particular has the potential to throw me into a vegetable-like state and only snap out of to cry and sleep. I really don't want that. Its bad enough that I prefer to be anti-social due to assholes and what-not but this would force me into the dark corners of my mind and chances are slim that I would ever come back. Trust me when I say that my mind is not a great place to stay in. Much less visit.

When it comes to gaia, I believe it is one of my last heavens, honestly. The books can only go so far. My RPs are where I can let go and try to be a better me. And even they can't always save me. Not to mention that I wonder if I'm mad for liking them in the first place. My greatest pleasures are truely my greatest pains. God only knows how long I'm going to last this way.
And one part of gaia, I believe I have neglected lately, is the friend's list. There are many people I need to come back into contact with or at least remove them from the list because I no longer see them as friends and the like. I had an idea to list all of them but I need to cut this post shorter. However, I will make a few comments on the next entry of mine, if I remember.

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This may be a day late but I thought this should be added. Its one of the more small subjects that may drive me mad but I really think I should write it down to ease the worry.

I've had a horrible crush for about 2 years. At first, it started off as the simple twitter feeling you might get when meeting an attractive person. Though rare, it has happened before so I brushed it off at that. Unfortunately, the feeling wouldn't go away. In fact, it started getting worse each time I saw him. By the time Senior year started, I was seeing him all over and found myself blushing or smiling when I knew he was near. I'd never felt that way before and was confused for a long time. Eventually, I admitted to myself that this was a crush and, perhaps, it would fade. And the only way I could admit it was telling my friends also. My friends, being shocked I was capable of such things, encouraged the idea and often thought of ideas to get us together. I thought it was nice of them and everything but I didn't want my crush to turn into a sick obsession. Although my friends ended up finding out where his 6th period was or the 1st or what his favorite things were and I worried that I might turn stalker so I stayed quiet. When it was getting close to a breaking point where all I wanted to do was talk to him and work up the courage to ask, he had a girlfriend. I was shaken for a while but I told myself that someone like him shouldn't be expected to be single. So I backed off. I didn't want to do anything to mess up his life because it was his choice. The only problem I had was whenever I saw them together because he never seemed to smile or appear to enjoy it at all. And at the last week of school, I stayed in the art room for a few hours every day because I wanted to finish a few projects but I also knew he would be there too. We talked about things for a while and KC was actually scared at how alike we were. The last day of school came and I felt miserable because I knew it would be nearly impossible to see him again. All I wanted was to see him one last time but I doubted it would happen. Unfortunately, my friends decided to tell me that he had broken up with his girlfriend a little while ago which only made me feel worse because I had lost my chance. I had gotten to see him for a moment before I left but I didn't say anything because he looked upset and I knew my sudden confession wouldn't make his situation any better. I still have a small amount of hope that I will have my chance due to other factors but I don't want to get my hopes up so I've been in a suspended state. I've had a few people who have asked me out and I really have considered them. In fact, I think they're great people. But I don't know whether to say yes or no because my heart is somewhere else and I don't think I could give them the attention they want. It makes me feel terrible because I might be breaking their hearts and it hurts because I can't seem to move on. I thought I was getting over it but Brittney showed me some of the pictures she developed from the last few days of school and Erin decided to take a few shots of him. All of the feelings came rushing back in an instant and for the past few days, I've been trying to let it go. I honestly don't know if I can call it love but it certainly hurts just as much as it makes me smile. Maybe even more. All I want is for him to be happy even though I also want him for myself. It makes me cry whenever I think of the conflict. If that isn't love, I don't believe I'll ever know what is...

You're gonna carry that weight...