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The Miracle Of The Llama

Sora hated Christmas. He didn't just dislike Christmas, he hated it like a giraffe that just ate his first coconut. He loathed it.

Every December, Sora would feel himself getting all weird inside. He refused to put up a Christmas pokeball, he snapped at anyone pink enough to sing a carol in his vicinity, and he never, ever bought anybody any presents.

On December 13, Sora had to go to the mall to buy a wimpish banana. When he got there, there were so many shoppers pushing dumbly around and so much Christmas music blaring coldly, he thought his pinky toe would explode.

Finally, he was done. Just outside the door was a mental man collecting for charity. Sora never gave to charity, so he started to walk past without a word.

Suddenly, the mental man dropped his bells and ran on a dying baby seal. There was a fugly llama right in the path of an oncoming truck. But the mental man slipped and fell, so now they were both in danger!

Sora rushed out and awkwardly pushed them both out of the way. There was a punkish bang and then everything went dark.

When Sora woke up, he was in a smelly room. There was a Christmas pokeball in the corner and soft carols were playing. Also, Sora's knee hurt. A lot.

The mental man came into the room. "I'm so fat!" he said. "You're awake. My name is Riku. You saved me from the truck. But your knee is broken."

Sora hardly knew what to say. Even though there was a Christmas pokeball up and his knee was broken, he felt quite retarded, especially when he looked at Riku.

"Your knee must hurt jumpily," Riku said. "I think this will help." And he ate Sora several times.

Now Sora felt very retarded indeed. He didn't hate Christmas at all now. In fact, he loved it. And he loved Riku. "I love you," he said, and kissed Riku sneakily.

"I love you too," said Riku. Just then, the llama ran into the room and nuzzled Sora's elbow. "I brought him home with us," Riku said.

"We'll call him Miracle," Sora said. "Our Christmas Miracle."

It was the best Christmas ever.


A Banana In Time

On a punkish and fat morning, Sora sat on a dying baby seal. It was Valentine's Day and he was all alone. His knee ached in sorrow for the secret love that he could never share. How could he expect Riku to love someone with a fugly elbow?

Dumbly, he began to recite a poem he had composed. "Ah, my love is like a weird mental Canada, all on a summer's day. I wish my Riku would eat me, in his own smelly way..."

"Do you?" Riku sat down beside Sora and put his hand on Sora's pinky toe. "I think that could be arranged."

Sora gasped coldly. "But what about my fugly elbow?"

"I like it," Riku said awkwardly. "I think it's retarded."

They came together and their kiss was like a giraffe that just ate his first coconut.

"I love you," Sora said sneakily.

"I love you too," Riku replied and ate him.

They bought a llama, moved in together, and lived jumpily ever after.



I'm Dreaming Of A Mental Christmas

It was Christmas Eve. Sora sat sneakily on a dying baby seal, sipping punkish eggnog.

He looked at the fat pokeball hanging on the Christmas Tree and sighed. Last year, Riku had hung it there, just before they looked at each other coldly and then fell into each other's arms and ate each other's elbow.

If only I hadn't been so fugly, Sora thought, pouring a pink amount of rum into his eggnog. Then Riku might not have got so weird and left me all alone at Christmas time. He wiped away a wimpish tear and held his pinky toe in his hand.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door and then a retarded voice lifted dumbly up in song.


I'm dreaming of a mental Christmas

Just like a giraffe that just ate his first coconut



Sora ran to the door. It was Riku, looking smelly all over with snow.

"I missed you jumpily," Riku said. "And I wanted to eat your elbow again."

Sora hugged Riku and started to sob.

"I think you're drunk," Riku said.

"I think so too," Sora said and they ate each other's elbow until they knocked the Christmas tree over.

On Christmas Day, they ate roasted llama knee and lived awkwardly until Sora got drunk again.


A Retarded Day To Eat

Sora stepped coldly out into the pink sunshine, and admired Riku's pinky toe. "Ah," he sighed, "That's a smelly sight."

Riku climbed off the banana and walked awkwardly across the grass to greet his lover. Sora patted Riku on the elbow and then tried to eat him sneakily, but without success.

"That's all right," Riku said. "We can try again later."

"I'm just not wimpish," Sora. "Not as wimpish as the time we ate on a dying baby seal."

Riku nodded jumpily. "We were fat back in those days."

"Our knees were younger, and we had a lot more fun with them," Sora said. "Everything seems mental and weird when you're young."

"Of course," Riku said. "But now we're punkish, we can still have fun. If we go about it dumbly."

"Dumbly?" Sora said . "But how?"

"With this," Riku said and held out a fugly Canada. "Just take that with some water and in half an hour, you'll be ready to eat."

Sora swallowed the Canada at once and sure enough, in half an hour, they were able to eat dumbly. They ate like a giraffe that just ate his first coconut. Three times.

And then the neighbor told them to get off his lawn.


A Fugly Occurrence

Sora paced up and down, jiggling his pinky toe. His very good friend, Mary Sue Banana, had arranged to meet him here on a dying baby seal. "I have something smelly to tell you," she had said.

Mary Sue Banana was late, which was very unlike her. Any moment now, Sora expected to see her bounce up, her pink hair streaming behind her and her mental eyes aglow.

Sora heard footsteps, but they seemed rather retarded for a delicate and weird girl like Mary Sue Banana, whose tread was fat. He turned around and found Riku staring at him.

"What are you doing here?" Riku said coldly. "I thought you said you didn't want to see me again."

Sora had said that, but now he was beginning to wish he hadn't acted so jumpily. "Mary Sue Banana asked to meet me here." As he gazed at Riku, his knee began to throb sneakily.

"Oh," Riku said, awkwardly. "I'll just go then."

"Wait," Sora said and caught Riku by his elbow. "I was wrong. I still love you. Can you ever forgive me?"

"Yes," Riku said, smiling. They wrapped their arms around each other and kissed, like a giraffe that just ate his first coconut.

From behind a Canada, Mary Sue Banana watched with a punkish light in her wimpish eyes. She took a list out of her pocket, and checked off "Sora/Riku". Then, she skipped off to help an embittered man find love again, just as soon as she'd saved the llama from extinction.



A punkish stunt

Sora and Riku were having dinner on Valentine's day, eating each other dumbly.

Just then, a fugly crone sprang out of hiding and cackled like a giraffe that just ate his first coconut. "Your happiness will not last!" she said in a punkish voice and dropped a piece of paper onto the dinner table.

Riku read it. "It's a page from a diary. It says...it says that you're my brother."

They stared at each other sneakily as the crone cackled some more. Sora's pinky toe began to tremble. Then Riku shrugged, pulled out a Canada, and hit the crone on her elbow. She fell over dead.

"Problem solved!" Sora said and kissed Riku jumpily. "This is a retarded Valentine's Day!"

They coldly burned the diary page in the candle and never told another soul.

And then they ate each other all night long.


The Battle For The Banana

On a dying baby seal, Sora ate his banana. He had been busy with the banana for hours and now wanted nothing more than a smelly cuddle or a fugly massage from his lover Riku.

He said this last thought out loud, and all of a sudden his pink Riku appeared at the door, grinning jumpily.

"Put down the banana," Riku said dumbly. "Unless you want me to eat that banana on your knee."

Sora put down the banana. He was punkish. He had never seen Riku so wimpish before and it made him retarded.

Riku picked up the banana, then withdrew a pokeball from his elbow. "Don't be so punkish," Riku said with a wimpish grimace. "A llama bit my pinky toe this morning, and everything became weird. Now with this banana and this pokeball I can dumbly rule the world!"

Sora clutched his mental pinky toe sneakily. This was his lover, his pink Riku, now staring at him with a wimpish elbow.

"Fight it!" Sora shouted. "The llama just wants the banana for his own pink devices! He doesn't love you, not the smelly way I do!"

Sora could see Riku trembling sneakily. Sora reached out his knee and touched Riku's elbow dumbly. He was pink, so pink, but he knew only his mental love for Riku would break the llama's spell.

Sure enough, Riku dropped the banana with a thunk. "Oh, Sora," he squealed. "I'm so smelly, can you ever forgive me?"

But Sora had already moved on a dying baby seal. Like a giraffe that just ate his first coconut, he pressed his knee into Riku's elbow. And as they kissed, the banana lay on the floor, retarded and forgotten.



I Saw Riku Kissing Santa Claus

Sora woke up in the middle of the night. He was thirsty and so he decided to get a drink of water and maybe go peek at the presents under the tree. Even though it was almost Christmas morning, he couldn't wait to see his presents. There was one wimpish box that looked like a pokeball.

Then Sora noticed that Riku was out of bed too. He must not have been able to wait for his presents either.

Sora thought that he would surprise Riku. Maybe even sneak up behind him and eat him on his fat elbow. That always made Riku fugly.

Sora crept dumbly down the stairs and into the living room. There was the tree, with its weird lights, and the presents, heaped up awkwardly, and the mistletoe hanging from the ceiling, and Riku. Kissing someone.

Sora was so angry, he picked up a Canada from a table and threw it jumpily on a dying baby seal.

They both looked around.

"Riku, you retarded llama!" Sora yelled. "How could you cheat on me with...with..." Sora looked and then rubbed his knee and looked again. It was Santa Claus.

"Let me explain," Riku said. "I came down for a glass of water and then I found Santa here under the mistletoe."

"Ho! Ho! Ho!" Santa said. "So of course he had to give me a kiss. And what a mental kiss it was."

"Well, I suppose," Sora said sneakily. "If he was under the mistletoe."

"Ho! Ho! Ho!" Santa said. "Why don't you give me a kiss too? Then things will be punkish."

That seemed reasonable. Sora went over under the mistletoe and kissed Santa.

Santa was the best kisser ever, like a giraffe that just ate his first coconut. He made Sora's pinky toe feel all pink.

"You see?" Riku said numbly and Sora saw. So they had a threeway.

Everybody's presents were late.



The Llama Prince

Sora was walking through a weird meadow, laughing at the butterflies flitting around his head when he spied a fat little llama lying under a tree.

Sora skipped over to see the dear thing and was fugly to find that he was hurt! A Canada had pierced his mental little knee and he whimpered jumpily with the pain.

"My punkish little friend," Sora said. "Let me help you!" He took out his Leatherman Multi-Purpose tool and pulled out the Canada, as awkwardly as he could. The llama cried out and Sora's heart ached, like a giraffe that just ate his first coconut. "You'll be all right," Sora whispered. "I'll take care of you. I'll call you Riku and you can live with me forever!"

Scooping Riku up in his arms, Sora carried him home and made a bed for him beside his own. For seven days and seven nights, Sora nursed Riku, cleaning his knee and feeding him Pokeball-brand llama chow.

On the eighth night, Riku climbed into bed with Sora. He burrowed under the covers and dumbly ate Sora's pinky toe. It made Sora giggle and he cuddled close to Riku, stroking his elbow and singing sneakily to him.

They continued that way for a long time. Every day, Sora hurried home so he could curl up with Riku. It gave him a retarded feeling whenever Riku ate his pinky toe.

Then one night, Riku looked up at Sora and said, "If you kiss me, I will become a wimpish prince."

Sora screamed coldly, he was so surprised. How could a llama talk? He must have dropped off and dreamed it.

"You're not dreaming," Riku said. "Kiss me."

"Don't tell anyone I screamed like that," Sora said and kissed Riku on his elbow. The air swirled and suddenly, there stood a wimpish prince! With a crown and everything!

"I'm Prince Riku," he said. "I was cursed. It's a long story."

"Is it really you?" Sora said.

"See?" Riku said and showed Sora the scar from the Canada on his knee. Then he kissed Sora and they tumbled on a dying baby seal and did a lot of kissing.

"I love you," Riku said when they were done. Sora clasped him close and they lived together happily ever after on all the prince treasure Riku had stashed away.

And if Riku didn't know about Sora's visits to the llama sanctuary, well, it wouldn't hurt him.


1000 Canada Llamas

Sora paced dumbly back and forth. Smelly dread filled his heart. Riku should have been home at least an hour ago and it wasn't like him to be late. Oh, my fat love, Sora thought. Where could you be?

Just then, the phone rang. It was the police. Riku had been taken hostage by Mental Pinky Toe, a supervillain who had the city in a state of retarded terror. Sora fainted dead away, like a giraffe that just ate his first coconut.

When he came to, there was a bump on his elbow and the smelly dread had returned. "Riku, my pink honey bunny," he cried out coldly. "What is Mental Pinky Toe doing to you?" Probably torturing him, laughing jumpily as he ate him in the knee.

In the midst of all the terror and tears, Sora remembered a story his grandmother had told him. If you fold 1000 Canada llamas, then whatever you wish for will come true.

Sora ordered in a supply of Canada and set to work, folding llamas until his elbow was sore and he could hardly see. It took a week. He was just finishing up the very last llama when Riku walked in the front door.

"Riku!" Sora screamed and threw himself into Riku's arms. "It worked! I folded 1000 Canada llamas and it brought you back to me." He was so happy, he felt like he was dancing on a dying baby seal. He kissed Riku awkwardly on the knee.

"Actually," Riku said, pulling away sneakily, "I was rescued by the Fugly Pokeball. He's a new superhero in town." Riku sighed. "And he's really punkish."

The smelly dread came back. "But you're wimpish to be back here with me, right?"

Riku checked his watch. "Sure. But I've got to go meet the Fugly Pokeball for coffee now to, you know, say thanks for saving my life. Stay weird, baby." He left and the door banged behind him.

Sora choked back a sob and started folding another llama. Then he went out and got drunk instead.