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I think that I have changed a lot, since the last time I wrote here. Since the last few times, actually. I don't know if it's for the better or for the worse. Even harder to determine is where person ends, and character begins. I don't know sometimes how to deal with change, sure... but anyhow. This year I have entrance exams at the end... A-levels, as is known to those on the British schooling system (a throwback to our colonial masters, yeah) and I really shouldn't be on GAIA as much as I am these days. Really I should not. I guess I'll have to slowly pull back, slowly absence myself, although the thought really... makes me quite sad. I really care about a lot of the people here. Call it some sort of naivety, or whatever. I'unno, really.
I guess I'm more matured now. As much as it's possible for me to be, really. I think, that now, if I was like this a year or two back, some things would not have turned out the way they did. I would have been able to handle the situation better. But as it is, the past is gone. I feel so utterly... philosophical right now, it scares me. That said, my RL social life is quite a void... or maybe that is because the company I find myself in most of the time... scares me. I don't wish to be quite so materialistic. Or do some stuff that is customary for kids of my age to do. It's not really me. Of course, a part of me still wants to wish to be a little more well off than I am. Be a little sparklier, y'know? But in the end... it's just me. I have to live with that. And I guess I like who I am. Even if the words I type each day outnumber those that I speak. (How ironic, and yet sad.)
Those who know me IRL will probably think I'm... a whole different person. Heh. Maybe that is because they see me in an artificial surrounding. A surrounding not of my choice. And yet, I'll deal with it, I'll live with it. It is the best I can do. ...Maybe it is why I come on GAIA so much. Because here, I feel... so much better. I feel... as though people care. It's funny, innit? Perhaps I think too much about things. And yet... my heart feels a lot warmer everytime I'm here, than when I'm swimming in the open waters of RL, school, where... I rarely feel proper.
It's a long path, I guess. I'll have to learn...
On to happier things...?
I think... I am ready to forgive. Strangely, a part of me misses someone I thought I'd never miss. It's funny, isn't it? How strange life is, it whacks you about in the face, over and over again. And I've learnt to love RPing... so much. I've made so many cool friends. ...Some strange ones, too. And some stranger than most. But anyway. I'm strange myself, so I guess we all fit together, hmm?
Maybe one day I will find my happy ending, after all. I am still optimistic. I am quite enjoying the freedom I am having, now. But I know that one day, RL will call. And then GAIA will, hopefully, relinquish me without regret.
This journal entry was written OOC.
AngelRaz · Thu Jan 17, 2008 @ 02:23pm · 1 Comments |
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