TO YOU:
I want to argue with you. But I don't want to argue with you.
I like to avoid confrontations but I think one needs to happen.
Just to let everything out, OK?
You know why I don't tell you "I Love You" before we hang up?
Do you even care about me anymore?
You never say it either. You never text me, or call me without my prompting it. It's like you want to lose all connection with me. And I don't know anymore.
I don't know if I can love someone who can just..at the drop of a hat, push me aside for all things. Yes, I know you have friends. No I don't expect you to sit around and wait for me to talk to you. But I do know that when you had nothing to do I made an effort to be there for you. And when I had things to do, or other people to talk to...you left.
Yeah, it was kinda d**k that I was talking to Tom while I was on the phone with you. But I didn't even realize it to be honest, and you never said anything. & You've done that before when you've had people over and I called. You had conversations with them while I sat on the other end of the phone waiting for attention. But I was never one to ask you to wait for me and maybe one time when I made you...you got all pissed and decided to ignore me for...weeks afterward.
And now you're playing WoW again.
And I don't have to go into what it means.
You're going to be obsessive again and now, I don't even have Danny to talk to about you doing all of this. What am I supposed to do? Wait for your convenience to have a relationship with you? That's not fair to me. Not at all. I don't understand where we are going. And if you care anymore.
Why do you even like me?
Why do you want to be with me?
Do you even want to?
I don't see what about me appeals to you at all.
Or are you just settling for me because I am someone who has feelings for you?
I don't know anymore. I really just don't.
Last night I guess I was trying to say all this to you but I couldn't find my words. And it wasn't until we hung up and I couldn't sleep that I found exactly what I wanted to say.
Jeff, I don't think this is going to work.
It's definitely not going to work if I have to be the one that says "call at this time" "text me at this time" "text me back" "don't ignore me" And it certainly is not going to work if you're going to put people in front of me.
If you don't have feelings for me anymore, tell me, at least be fair to me and let me know if you'd rather end our relationship now.
You seemed really nonchalant about it last night, certainly not like you were last year when you thought I was going to break up with you. No anxiety and no...well you just seemed to not care. If you don't, well, I can't make you. But if you do, you should know that it's not fair to me to have a relationship where you get everything you want and I get slighted. That is not fair at all.
If this is going to continue though, I think there are some things that have to be discussed.
I will need attention. I need to know you want to talk to me and that you're interested in talking to me. Ignoring me and playing WoW all the time tells me you don't want to talk to me and you have no intention of talking to me.
You need to act like you care about me more. You act like...we're friends.
We are and everything, but I'm you girlfriend as well, right?
Act like I am. A little. Try.
What I really need you to do though now is to make me fall back in love with you...you've taken yourself almost completely out of the picture. Like, how am I supposed to love someone that never talks to me? Treats me like...nothing. Makes me feel like I'm unimportant? I can't. And that's how I feel right now. Out of love. I don't feel anything but I know that I will be sad to lose you if that's what you choose but...I can't love you if you aren't someone I can love.
It seems to me though you don't care about anything at all.
Yourself, future, your friends, me, anything.
Maybe I'm mistaken...but...I feel this way.
I'm a little tired right now so I don't know if this is making much sense.
I lost everything very suddenly, if you didn't know.
I lost my confidant, my social worker. Who knew everything about you and me, about all my thoughts and problems and...helped me sort everything.
I am really alone for the first time ever. And this is scary.
You tell me to go make friends...but I am alone and isolated from everyone.
Everyone is already so knit into their groups of friends that I would never belong to them, I could never belong to them. I am too different, I would not be able to assimilate.
Years of mistakes piling up is what it is to be perfectly frank.
I made mistakes over these past 4 years that have led me to be who I am, as isolated as I am, as friendless as I am.
Now that I've touched on that, you know I am alone and can't really be around people. They aren't accepting, it wont work. It just doesn't happen that way. But to be alone, like, really really alone is very scary. And taxing. Emotionally. I am worn and cannot really...cope with how I am right now and to have you drifting away feels like I am losing my last tie to anyone and everyone.
I may be needy, and I may be clingy, I may be asking too much but isn't it nice to know that I /need/ you, I'm clinging to /you/, I want /you/?
I am that much of an ugly cast off that even that doesn't appeal to you?
I don't know.
I really just don't know.
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