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Hey there, old GaiaOnline journal. I'm not really returning to you. 'Cause honestly, I'm supposed to be giving up writing like this. 'Cause what's the point, really?

No one actually cares, so keeping it too myself would make sense, right? Even though the apocalypse occurred two days ago now, it's right now that I'm feeling the most pain. Ever since I first woke up, there's a... almost blazing emptiness welled up inside me. It hurts so bad, I can't help but just cry and cry. About everything. This house is too cold, the air is too musky, thick, it provides nothing.

So I need to get out. But I don't even have anywhere to go. It's probably cold too, 'cause it is winter after all. Negative eight degrees, feels like negative 13. Blah, that might be too cold for me to just sit outside and sulk. And I only have one set of bus tickets, and I can't go using them just to get nowhere, and then not be able to get back home.

I'm not sure if I should make sure to eat before I go, or make sure not to eat, so that I can make the experience worse on myself. You know... make myself feel like more of a loser; depressed, crying, alone, totally unloved... and hungry.

I've got Kyren! So of course I'm not completely alone or unloved. But when he's not around, then I have absolutely no one, you know? That's what my LiveJournal was for. Whenever things went wrong, and I needed to spill out how I was feeling about it. But apparently that was wrong. It's just like what I'm doing right now.

I've got life all figured out incorrectly. All upside-down and backwards.

Do you hate me 'cause of the things I said, or 'cause I didn't say it directly at you?

Is any sort of perfection you once saw, just completely gone? Seeped away along with that stupid love that was supposed to be unconditional?

I know I'm not supposed to let any of this get to me. But I mean, all the times it hurts the most, no one's ever there to care. I don't mean this in any bad way. I just.

I feel so alone right now.

And everytime that happens, the silence just kills me. What the hell am I supposed to do?

I've been feeling depressed for a little while now. Like, less than a week. Not 'cause I'm unhappy. Just 'cause, I feel like I haven't been saying enough. I haven't been saying everything... that needed to be said.

I can't ever tell if I'm the victim or not. 'Cause just 'cause it might hurt me, if I'm causing it, that doesn't make me a victim.

I wrote about what was inside of me, but it wasn't for you to read. But you did anyway. Should I feel invaded? Violated. All those words, they mean something, but I know they'll be nothing either of you could understand. Not 'cause, they're complex or anything like that. Just 'cause, you don't know what happened, you don't know what my thoughts were focused on. You don't know anything! So stop judging me with you eyes.

I'm so typical, it stings my eyes with tears. What am I supposed to tell you? That it pisses me off when you two fight? Wasn't that obvious alone, when I'd cry alone in my room? How many times do you think I've had to wake up and be afraid to come down stairs, afraid of stepping on a left over land mine from the previous war? Or how about when you get so upset with me that all I can do is hate myself for ever being, for ever causing you do much pain and stress? And then having to come down the next morning, for nothing but a cold, cruel shoulder.

Sure, my life isn't so bad. Sure, I love you all. But I'm weak. Unstable. I can't handle so much pressure, I'll just fall apart instantly. But how can I just tell you that? Tell you that your insanities are driving me insane? It would just make you hate me more, I know this.

I can be cruel. When I'm upset, I can be very cruel. So I store it in one little place, where it doesn't have to hurt anyone. And then you went and released it. Good job. It's almost like I was trying to take care of you. Almost.

If I wasn't just trying to take care of myself.

I don't even know what I'm saying. I just, feel like I'm in so much distress right now. It's funny that, right the day before you were talking about unconditional love, how it was the best, between a parent and their child.

You still love me, right?

I don't want to shed anymore tears about this, I know it's all in vain. 'Cause everything that hurts this bad, it always just goes away in the end. Everything always ends up fine. And eventually, I'll regret ever posting this up, on private, for all the world to see.

All the world that can access my GaiaOnline account, that is.

Woot.


~ Lyccea.