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Oh lord, these are hilarious. All made my the guitarist of AFI: Jade Pudget.


* "God, remember Tab cola? It was so nasty, possibly the worst soft drink ever, even worse than Crystal Pepsi. I'll always think of Tab as the beverage of choice for child molesters because I knew this creepy old man who drank it and he must have been a child molester because all old people are child molesters."

* "Even when I go see one of my favorite bands I start to get bored/tired/over it after an hour and a half. If they said, "Guess what! We'll be playing for 2 hours tonight!!", you'd see a Jade-shaped hole in the front door."

* "Davey doesn't watch the damn road when he's driving. I'm sure if we crashed he would be fine and I would be imbedded in a tree. If he ever kills me with his driving though, I'm gonna come back as a squirrel and run up his pant leg."

* "Chrome Grovers are bitchin;, I have them on a couple guitars. Almost as good as blue fuzzy Grovers."

* On the Subject of Paris Hilton, "She ate Dave's birthday cake...it was Dave's birthday, and he got this cake, and he walks into the lounge and she was eating it, just looking at him. He's like, "Hello, that's my crappy vegan birthday cake" *

* "I saw Billy Idol about 6 years ago getting out of limo and I yelled "Billy Idol!!" at him, in case maybe he forgot. He gave me a thumbs up."

* "Yes, I'm a vegetarian, but not because I love animals, I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants."
* "So...much...love....I just want to kiss every one of you."

* "I love your duck with all it's ducky goodness."

Jade:“900! Jeebus!!” Erin:“Yes, Jade. We love you.” Jade:“901!” Erin:“902!” Jade:“Ok, 902” Jade::“Ahhhhh!!!!” Erin::“I beat ya to it, man.” Jade:“It's because I went online with my Atari 2600 - it's a bit slow”

* "We'll be playing in Minnesota at the Mall of America, at the mini golf course...in the windmill."

* "Hmm, maybe instead of jumping off the drum riser you could just step carefully down off of it, but make a crazy I'm-going-off-really-hard face while you're doing it so people think you're doing some insane stage move."

* "And I will be your Guiding Light if you'll be my General Hospital."

Question: Now that you guys probably have some nice cash would you ever ever ever buy a mansion? Or stick with the midsized houses, like 20-30 thousand - just asking - and cars! Do you stick with the cool old cheapys or go with the Hummers? Jade's Answer: I will be moving into my mansion as soon as I get back to Berkeley, it says Frigidaire on the side. It'll go well with my Porsche that says Safeway on it.

* "I didn't get my membership stuff! Weak! I stole the patch and armband from Fritch, though, so in your face Fritch!!"

* "I remember Adam gave me this crappy piece of binder paper with a list of all these songs for me to learn, and some had checks by them, some had stars, some were underlined but I already new how to play them so I threw that damn crappy crap-a** piece of dumb binder paper in the damn garbage."

* "I mainly use Lineur Intense by L'Oreal but I also use the MAC "Smolder" pencil as well as the liquid liner. The L'Oreal liquid is the best I've tried as far as color and smudging but if you've ever seen me after a show you know that I'm not immune to running eyeliner."

* The secret to AFI's awesomeness according to the Jade: "It's all in the wrist."

* [Question: To the Jademeister - Hello Jade! I think you are good at playing the guitar. Ok, now for the questions: you use Les Pauls exclusively. Any thoughts of recording certain parts using a different guitar? When you pick up your guitar, what is usually the first thing you play? In an interview with AMZ, you said that you wrote 11 of the 13 songs on Black Sails; I was wondering which two you didn't. Thanks a lot for being so coolio, my mom thinks you're handsome -Evan]

Jade: Evan, I hope you're not going to have a problem with me being your new dad. I think we can make it work. There will be a few changes, however, like no more late nights out with the friends, and would it kill you to take out the damn garbage once in a while? Jade: Oh yeah, and using different guitars for different feels in a song is definitely cool. Fender guitars lend themselves well to clean tone parts - they have a nice sparkly yet warm tone that'll make you want to pee in the sink.

* "...and we believe we have quite a bitchin' selection of songs, every one's a Lamborghini."

* "I think it's more like songs remind me of times in my life when I wrote them. Like Malleus Maleficarum, because it was the first song I wrote for AFI, or Totalimmortal, I was about to go out and get a cup of coffee and for some reason I just picked up my guitar and the whole song came out in one shot. Or God Called In Sick Today, it reminds me of Davey and I laying around on my bed writing songs for Black Sails. Hope I answered your question..."

* "Actually, I enjoy both Lynyrd Skynyrd and Pink Floyd. Don't they say Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd is the best album to make out to? Personally, I think it's FsharpAsharpInfinity by Godspeed You Black Emperor."

* "I think Tucson should armwrestle Phoenix and whoever wins, we'll play there."

* "Yes, I have an iron cross on my arm. Yes, I got it when I was 17. Yes, I would change it to Taz in front of a weed leaf if I could. No, I'm not a Nazi."

* "Can't the lemons and pancakes just get along?"

* "So, what's the speed of dark anyway?"

* [when asked who can bench the most in AFI]

Jade: Probably me. I can bench 5 corn dogs.

* Jade: Awwwww, man!!! s**t! I just dropped my favorite eyeliner!

Jade: I just dropped my favorite earplugs on the floor, too.
Interviewer: You have favorites?
Jade: Yeah, I just started using them like an hour ago, and I really liked them, so now they're my favorites.

* "They were like, ‘Dudes, that's a badass jam.’ We were like, ‘******** it.’ They were like, ‘We're gonna cover that ********.’" (on Offspring covering Totalimmortal)


* "Jeebus! Those are great things to receive! I'd be freakin' stoked to get a lovely juice box!! Try getting a walnut. I got a damn walnut one time and it sucked. Totally. And I said, 'Hey, this damn walnut totally sucks'".

* [in response to a question about a girl who's friend likes her ex]

Jade: You should say, "Why are you such a stupid dumb ugly b***h? You said you didn't like him but meanwhile you're a dumb ugly b***h because you totally love him!" and then she'll be all like, "That's pretty big talk for someone who eats poop!" and then you'll totally be all like, "More like doesn't eat poop!!"

* [Question: I was wondering if you and Davey ever fought over a mirror backstage or something, and if so, who won? And who has used the most makeup on one single nite? Thanks, Jay.]

Jade: Actually, yes, that happens all the time. Finally, I was like, "That's it! It's time to settle this make-up contest once and for all, I challenge you to a make-out!" Wrong choice of words.

* "I'm so rock hard. You should call me Block Rockchest. Or Chip RockBlock. Or something."

* [on fighting Mikey] "That would suck, his fists look like canned hams or maybe bricks with lincoln logs sticking out of them. He'd probably punch my whole neck off. Luckily, we're like brothers so I won't have to find out."

* "I'll write a song, and then we'll sit around in our boxers in my room throwing around melody ideas, and then he'll take it and put words to it "

* [Question: Hey Jade. There is this football jock in my school who tries acting like all that. He called me a f*****t today, cuz I wore an AFI shirt. Should I jump him after school or just hit him with a bat, or do you recommend something else? You seem like the type of guy who got in his share of fights.]

Jade: You should grab his butt. Ask him if he wants to make out with you or fight you and then do the opposite of what he says.

The last thread in which someone wrote, "Mooove b***h, get out the way" disappeared before I could say: b***h! Watch out, watch out, watch out b***h! Watch out, watch out, watch out, move here I come, there I go UH OH! Don't jump b***h, move you see them headlights? You hear that ********' crowd? Start that goddamn show, I'm comin' through hit the stage and knock the girlies down I ******** the crowd up - that's what I do by the way. That's Mystikal. If I had wrote it, it would be far tighter.

* "Hackey-bag-foot-sack always confused me. I could never figure out what the score was or who was winning, so I'd always get mad and end up kicking it into the lake."

* [on nicknames] "Yeah, I had some embarrassing ones: Mr. Rad, Mr. Buff, Mr. Freakin Buff and Tan as Hell, Buff Tan the Vegetarian. Mostly stuff like that."

* [Deadfishsandwich: I just wanted to tell you that you're the reason I started guitar. I wanted to be as cool as you, only the girl version. And I was wondering that since I don't have any, and you seem to be a nice dude, would be my friend?]

Jade: Of course I'll be your friend. I'm also the cool girl version of me. Maybe if you changed your username you might attract more friends, and less flies.

* "I think most people in North Carolina listen to Hootie and the Blowfish. Last time we played there I was standing outside the club, and this guy came up and said, "You guys are ok, but Hootie's from here and they're amazing!" And then he said, "They live right there!" while gesturing vaguely towards this dried up riverbed with some scraggly trees around it."

* "Davey is quite a 'demon in the sack', so to speak."

* "If I asked you to sleep with me, would your answer be the same as the answer to this question?"

* "If you really want to see some ill patty cake, you have to see Davey and I do it. And then watch us play patty cake."

* "One day, when I was young, my Dad brought home a guitar. I was quite intrigued and went to pick it up but he said, "Son, unless you can wail on that thing like Nuno Bettencourt from Extreme or maybe Steve Vai when he was playing with David Lee Roth and he had the sweet double-necked guitar that was like two legs coming out of a heart, keep your damn hands off it!" And I never touched a guitar again. So to answer your question, yes, I answer the phone whether it rings or not."

"Tell him to come check me out when I'm shredding some sweet fingertapping solos and then he'll be like, 'Power chords blah blah blah' and I'll hit the whammy bar and it'll sound like a plane crashing at an air show and then he'll try to say some other stuff like, 'Blah blah blah yadda yadda yadda' and that's when I fire up the wah-wah pedal and it'll be like 'Wokka wokka wokka wo-wokka wokka' all up in his freakin' face"

"So things are going just swell, we eat bagels, we play songs, we take our shirts off and wrestle"

Question:"Hey jade i dont know if ya read my last post but i swear to god im your long lost son.I think you knocked up my mom or something.But it is great to look like you.You guys kick so much a**.Your music has inspired me and brought me out of the hardest times in my life for which i am thankful." Jade:"I definitely knocked up your mom so maybe you are. Sorry I was never there for you, son."

"Let's totally be best friends. We can walk down the street with our guitars and I'll say, "Hey chicks!! Check us out, we're rad!!!" and when all these hot chicks start checking us out, we can blaze off some totally sweet solos and then you'll be all, "Hey chicks, you wanna hang with us?" and they'll be like "Hella!!" and the we'll both be like, "Ok, cool......psyche!!!!" and then we'll high five while shredding on our axes."

"For finger exercises, I do the removable thumb trick about 50-70 times to limber up."

"I think they should play us on BET."

"Upon further review, I've realized that my last post was neither interesting or informative in any way. Here's what's REALLY going on: We're getting super radly awesome close to being done. We finally finished backing vocals and they came out totally 100% neat. I made plenty of supercool faces while I was singing, like this one where I had my eyes all clenched tight and then I hit this high note and looked up to the sky and slowly raised my fist like Whitney Houston in "I Will Always Love You". Another time, I ate all the cheese bagels and Adam was mad. In other news, we had a photo shoot today for the album artwork in this old abandoned building. Here's what happened to me there: I stepped on a dead mouse, sat in a stinky pigeon nest, and set my glasses down in crackhead puke."

"I'll eat the hell out of a bagel, that's my job!"

"Did I say I had a Les Paul? Sorry, I meant RuPaul."

"We will hella make it down to San Diego. Hella."

"Sorry, that was me, not Davey that made that post, I seem to have a habit of using his name to pick up girls.. *cough*..boys..*cough cough*.."

"Thanks...You're only bored because you don't have a hobby."

"The whole time we were recording, we were trying to get permission from Winona Ryder to use her "My whole life is a dark room" part from Beetlejuice but we never heard from her so we said ******** it, we'll use our own spooky dark-haired girl and called in Davey."

"Actually, a Rectifier and a Marshall will sound markedly different. Just adjust the sound to where YOU think it sounds good, that's the most important thing. Also, anyone who thinks I didn't play the solo in My Michelle should come to one of our soundchecks for the upcoming shows and I will show them that I can ollie higher than they can. p.s. i most hella did play it"

"I can see the problem right away, DON'T SUCK. Cease the sucking immediately. If you decide not to suck you'll be totally shredding all these major solos and all the chicks will be checking you out and all the guys will be hella jealous of your whammy bar."

"Most of what you heard about us isn't true, the rest is. Except we don't pee in the sink. And for those of you wondering, yes, I continue to roll tight like a perm..."

"I told him "I have no balls when it comes to talking to girls. I wish I were as big of a player as you. Any Advice?" This was his reply... "confidence, wit, charm, and make them laugh and then if they still won't go out with you, punch yourself repeatedly in the nuts while screaming at the top of your voice, they love that"

"Well, there are some important books that would help you immensely if you were going for a sociology degree, such as: The Archaeology of Knowledge by Michel Foucault The Protestant Ethic and the Spirit of Capitalism by Max Weber Das Kapital by Karl Marx The Division of Labor in Society by Emile Durkheim

However, these are very involved works and not as much fun as watching the grass grow or staring at a cow."

"Stevie Wonder picks out my clothes for me."

"On an unrelated topic, I know many of you have downloaded our album already because you couldn't wait, which is understandable, I was always the kid who opened all my presents on Christmas Eve, too. However, I hope all of you who were planning on buying it still do because we have to buy lots of cigarettes for Fritch and corndogs for Smith."

"I was sitting here without a shirt on, absentmindedly scratching my back with a pen for about five minutes and I just looked in the mirror and saw that I had drawn a nice mural on my back. It looks kind of like a map of Wyoming, with all the rivers and mountain ranges, or maybe a portrait of Bob Marley. Yes. Tablature"0

"The best thing about Vegas is going out in the desert to try and dig up dead bodies. And blackjack. And playing shows. And the Pink Taco."

"Fine, if you want Davey to sneak you in, it'll probably be in some little make-up case or something, which is not nearly as comfortable. Did I mention the drum case comes with all-you-can-eat corn dogs?"

"Yes, we'll have a lovely new AFI corndog for sale. You should bring Fritch pictures of George Carlin, he is in love with that guy."

"I haven't seen Tori Amos but I did see Tori Spelling from Beverly Hills 90210 one time. She was frightening."

"You could be a hitman for the Scorpions, your job is to kill people and make me macaroni and cheese."

"Jordan looks pretty tough, maybe he should hang out with my little brother Gibson. Perhaps you could call your cat Meow so it could say it's own name. Or how about Stupid Cat Get Out Of Here. That would really confuse it if you tried to call it over to you."

"By the way, are you invading? I hadn't heard they were sending the army in there but maybe you're just going in by yourself commando-style like Rambo or Chuck Norris in Delta Force. If this is the case, you should have a sweet motorcycle with a camo missle launcher on the side. Or some type of armor-piercing canoe."

"During the recording of Black Sails, Davey and I played chess constantly. Why do you figure me for Monopoly? I've played Mike Tyson's Punch Out far more than Monopoly"

"I totally agree with you, except for the part about the thing."

"I use liquid eyeliner and have become quite proficient in it's application, however, I don't have much difficulty switching eyes because they're only a few inches apart. Do you have an enormous head? It's quite possible. This would explain why you have to "reach over" to your left side. My friend has a big head, you can see it from space."

"I hit on your girlfriend, I hit on Davey's wife, I gave your grandpa a sponge bath, I'm down for whatever!"

"I've never listened to that band but I used to annoy my brother when we were kids by pretending I had echolalia, which is a disease that causes people to repeat everything other people say. Smith: You're stupid. Me: You're stupid. Smith: Shut up! Me: Shut up! Smith: I'm a dumb uglyhead. Me: You're a dumb uglyhead."

"I fear the DF and new album, their kung-fu is strong."

"We love to stay in s**t-holes. Actually, last time we played in Dallas, I recall staying in the back of the van as it drove down the road, rather than a snazzy hotel."

"We'll come around Montreal but we won't actually come into the city. I doubt we'll go beyond just lurking in the bushes on the outskirts of town. I don't think the Montrealites have recovered from my yelling, "I am a grapefruit! Give me all your croissants!!" in French in the supermarket last time I was there."

"I'll just come to your house and we can listen to AFI cds in your room. It's almost as good as a concert..."

"That was perhaps the most energetic post I've ever read, I feel like I've just done 100 push-ups. Thank you, Marisela."

Comment:"In my oppinion you guys are the greatest band around. your music is all ur own with its own style and i love it. your volcals are crazy too. u guys are going strong. keep it up Peace" Jade:"Thanks, blueberry donuts from Tim Hortons are also going strong, please eat some soup for me."

"You could hollow out a big pumpkin and wear it on your head for the entire week of your birthday. This will allow you to get in touch with your Halloween emotions."

"As long as I can put off that job at Del Taco, I'll be in AFI."

"Davey actually lives across the hall, sorry. Anyway, as far as the sxe question, everyone has their own interpretation of sxe, from hardline, militant vegan sxe to someone who just thinks it means not drinking. Who can say what the real definition is? Maybe Ian Mackaye, but he doesn't even care any more."

"AFireInside, to me, means these three other guys who drink all the soy milk backstage before I get a damn drop of it."

"I still skate occasionally but last time I did, at our show in Hanford, I did a 360 frontside varial over our rolled-up banner and broke every damn bone in my body. Ok, I only broke one bone. Well, I didn't break any bones, but I could have!"

"I listen to AFI songs quite a bit when we're recording them because it helps me to come up with new ideas on how to improve them. It would be kind of embarrassing if I was at a stop sign and someone rolled up and saw me rocking out to my own song."

"I'm not sure who your cousin is but I am familiar with the "crappy crew". Fritch had this kind of dirty punk house where everyone would hang out, all of us, Nick 13, Smith, and it was called the Crappy, because it was so damn crappy. We skated, fought hicks, and generally had a bitchin' time."

"Ninjas ARE TOTALLY SWEET, what with all the guitar solos and flipping out and totally chopping peoples heads off."


"Hmm, corn nuts, I can't say I'm a big fan. I'm more of an apple pie kind of guy because it reminds me of sex and death. Ok, I didn't really account for rhythm in the tab, but, hey, I'm a honky, what do you want?"

"If your songs are already great then you don't need much help. My advice is to cram as many solos as possible into every part of every song, unless you're the singer or drummer or bass player, in which case my advice is to learn how to play guitar."

"I've been known to play a little Hot For Teacher and do some Eruption tapping. I'm feeling Eddie, especially when he fixes his hair in the middle of a solo, that's high class."

"For anyone thinking about bidding on a Dork 7", please don't spend that much on a record, I'd rather come to your house and play those songs for you than hear that you shelled out $600 to someone who most likely doesn't even care about AFI and is just out to make a quick buck off a devoted fan."

Question:"Jade.....Milla Jovavich !!! which movie do you think she was the hottest in? My fav i the 5th element. BOOBIES!!" Jade:"I'm feelin' you, home loan!!! Food stamp!!!!"

"I remember that Manchester show. I was skating around backstage and I bailed on this candy bar someone had thrown on the ground. It wasn't even a decent candy bar like a Snickers or a Twix, it was one of those weird English candy bars, like the Big Turk."

"In 7th grade I ordered this shampoo out of a comic book and put in my sister's underwear drawer."

Question:"Have you seen me? anybody who cares to answer this please do when your new album drops is dreamworks gonna you it like they did jimmy eat world?" Jade: "I really tried to figure that question out but I think it's missing a crucial verb."

"I'm not really feeling Tropsnal, it sounds like an ointment for jock itch. Your band should be called either Ripping Hammer or Starving Zombee."

"I don't think they allow poor people to visit America."

"Thursday are great band and a nice bunch of fellows as well as one of my favorite days of the week. I haven't had chocolate milk in Rice Krispies but I did just spill a whole glass of chocolate soy milk on my pants."

"That doesn't sound like any Loose Change or Redemption 87 song, I think it's Enrique Iglesias."

"Spiffy is a free-loading deadbeat kitty who sits around on my couch, watches TV all day, and eats all the Triscuits."

"Dolly kicks hella butt. You should check out "Silver Dagger", that's the most hella butt-kicking Dolly Parton song around."

"Isn't there any nice boys in Houston? Besides, seeing as how you don't know me, there might be things about me that you don't like, like my habit of peeing in the sink."

"If you've got something to say about Hanson, say it to my face!"

"I would love one, perhaps in return I could play you a love song on my harmonica."

"What's up with Abba Zabbas is their taffy goodness."

"It's never too late to start playing an instrument. I just bought a harmonica, maybe we could start a really horrible band. We'll play guitar/harmonica screamo math rock and our name will be The Butterflys or Faery Dust, it's up to you. Our first album will be called, "You Hurt My Feelings". In other news, chords are a group of notes played simultaneously to create a harmonized sound, tablature is a system of musical notation for people who don't read music."

"My favorite Final Fantasy is where I know all the answers and I totally get an A."

"Well, the Lizzle Pizzle Stizzle definitely has a shizzle mizzle but you can't forget about the Stizzle's bizzy hizzy."

"Next time I come to Phoenix we are so going clubbing Chanelle No. 5. I'll wear my pink sleeveless see-through n****e shirt with the pegasus and rainbow on it."

"Wait, wrestling or wrasslin'?"

"What bands you listen to to learn guitar depends on what music you're trying to play. Although maybe not because when I was playing only punk music, I would spend hours playing to BB King and the Stray Cats. And I will be your Guiding Light if you'll be my General Hospital."

"Actually we promised you dirt and hippy leafcakes..."

"Hunter's wireless is hilarious and would you be complaining if thousands of girls liked you? Besides, they're just using him to get to me."

"That's what I'm saying! Someone get Sherrick D on the horn!!"

"Yes, I've hit on Thrice before."

"Being a sociologist, which technically I am since I have a degree, is not too interesting, although it depends on which field you go into. If you're really thinking of majoring in it, most schools have decent Soc. programs but Berkeley has one of the best in the world. However, I'd recommend working at McDonalds. More fries, less statistics."

"I have a poorly done tribal armband that i got when i was 16, i love showing it to people because it totally sucks"

"we eat exclusively at gas stations so i'd have to say pink sno-balls. that's why we have such great physiques"

"uh, it's kinda hard for me to take a picture with a picture"

kim and fernando: "hey jade no don't leave yet" jade: "well Iv'e been standing here all this time waiting for you guys and you never came...(smiles)"

"Hitler was just misunderstood."

"I like to answer the phone whether it rings or not"

"Ever had those little gummy pizzas? N-a-s-t-y."


"An exclamation mark makes everything I say more exciting!"

"Later that night, Davey and I are gonna go get drunk and smoke up all da chronic because that’s what all the cool people be doin’, Yo!"

"Is that a Carrot Top mug ..? I’m jealous."

"I’m doing a lot more air guitar on this record."

"He’s answered a bunch of questions. He just gets the most. Look at all the Davey questions. It’s a daunting task keeping up with it. Either that or he’s still trying to get online with his Playstation."

* [when being interviewed on Steven's Untitled Rock Show]

Steven: My fingernails look like a**.
Jade: Your a** looks like fingernails.

Jade - "We don't encourage our fans to send us dead things" Davey - "Or alive things"

Jade - "Fans of Ricky Martin are gonna see our spanish lyrics and be like 'Cool, I'll buy this.' That and Dave's pants" Davey - "Yeah, Ricky Martin's got nothin' on my pants"

"How's my, how's my bulge look? A little flat huh, oh well. Sorry. I do what I can."