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I Love You. Three little words, one sylable each. Very simple to understand. Yet why do I have such a hard time expressing them to people of whom they apply. It's supposed to be easy to tell people what they mean to you, right?? Am I broken? Why can't I ever tell people the truth? Why do I always end up giving my heart to those who won't reciprocate the gesture. I wish I could control who I fall for. If I could pick who I love, my life would be so much easier. Sometimes I want to cry at how pathetic I am, at how ridiculous I must seem to people who see me yearn for those who I can never have. It hurts. It physically hurts when I think about it. To see him or think about him and realize it will never be. Or remember all the times I could have said something but was held back by fear. I think about those times, and I think "What would have happened?? Would that have changed anything?" Most times I answer with a distinct NO, but on the rare occasion I'm able to see a happy scene, where it's picture perfect. After seeing this, I feel even worse and want to tie a rope around my neck. I've been doing things lately that aren't really me. I do them because I want to be more like that person. To have some part of them with me, to make me feel a little more connected, sometimes I feel complacent, sometimes I just wish they were there with me. I haven't been very happy lately, I smile to pass the time but there's no feeling behind the sign, it's just a hollow symbol. I try to be strong, I want to be able to protect those I care about, to be a rock for anyone who needs me. In my heart I feel as though my rock is being eroded by the rain of my tears. I can't survive like this, I don't know how to cope with feelings like this. Rarely do I ever shed physical tears, in my heart it's pouring. I'm glad that I have a few bottles in my room, I'm going to need them in the near future. I'll try anything to make life seem a little less morose. At least, my life. I see others smile and laugh and enjoy life, I want to be like that. To be genuinely happy. To have someone I care about, someone that I love, love me in return. Maybe I'm hopeing for too much, maybe I expect way more than I should. Maybe I should kill off all my feelings and expect nothing from anyone ever. Maybe I will, it might make things easier to live with. At least I'll be alive, my friends won't hate me for suicide or something like that. I'll just change. Change can be good for a person. I should try it.