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8.16.05
D:
I made it this far masking my human-like emotions.
I cave.
I'm lonely. Horribly, horribly lonely. There isn't much I can do about it.
I'm not ready to have my heart smashed again. So I just have to deal.
But it makes me want to pull at my hair and scream.
I hate the person who ruined my life. I probably will always resent him. He expects me to be his friend. Friends don't ruin eachothers lives and screw eachother the way we did. Or more of less how he did.
He had an escape route, whereas I had nothing. And he knew it, but lied in my face all the same. THAT is why I cannot, and probably will not trust him again.
You can't blame me for not wanting to open my arms up again and accept him as a friend.
Hm.
I hate how things work out for me.
Open your heart, they know what makes you tick, and use those things against you. Each and every single one. How am I supposed to trust the next one?
He might ******** me over just like the last one.
If that happens, I'll swear off men, and love in general.
I love how my gut is almost always right.
But this time my gut is telling me I am better without him. In fact my entire life has turned up roses since he left. All except for love, which seemed to take a swan dive into the dark abyss.
Once all these good things disappear, I will be stuck with my abyss. I pray that it doesn't end up that way. Once my friends leave, I'm ********.
And that is the truth.
Without them, I wouldn't be here. Without their words of encouragement, I would be in my room, alone. They threw me outside and showed me the greater things besides a boyfriend. In fact, at times the things they show me are so much better than a boyfriend, even better than sex. But having someone that cares about you is a nice thing.
I hate feeling alone.
Where is the next one hiding, I wish I knew. Wonder if he's happy, or alone like me.
Time shall tell.
I hope the first one gets what he deserves.
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