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I forgot to mention in my earlier entry because I had forgotten and I want it to be seperate.

I've been wanting to point out a little something about Kc and Wyatt.

......Yes I am very happy for them. There's just something about their relationship, at the moment, that makes me uncomfortable. I'm sure a few others might know the feeling.

I suspect that its because Kc has been spewing her happyness everywhere. When Wyatt isn't around, his name refuses to leave her mouth. Each time we see her online, she is either gabbing on about the things they did together recently or her messenger name has changed to another extremely long string of words that confess love and happyness/quote love songs until the character limit prevents further spew.

I truely mean no offense to either of them. Its just that I've begun to literally feel sick each time I read another love confession, see another makeout session or hear happy giggles of how fun the last date was or how fun future trips will be.

I am being completely honest when I say that I feel sick. As of late, its been as if there was acid on my tongue or there's something I need to spit out each time sweatdrop I believe it is due to my mental state.

I doubt anyone has any idea how hard it is for me to admit such things openly...my hands are refusing to write what I know I should say outloud in order to mend. My hands seem to know as well as my mind that I don't want to hear anymore foolish notions from others that......

Uhg this is hard. I also don't wish to hurt a few selective people by admiting my faults openly.

I...gah. I haven't been in the highest of spirits...I also can't seem to spill this out because I keep beating around the bush...God I can't seem to stop it...

I...I am upset. I...

I can't believe how hard this actually is...ha...its so hard to say it. I feel so weak.

My heart is bleeding...so to speak.

Each time...Seeing, reading, hearing those two together feels like another cold needle slowly penetrating my defenses.

I can feel the quiet notes of...jealousy...prickling in my mind.

Allow me to explain that I have no feelings for Wyatt. He's a nice guy but I could never see him in such a way.

What I'm trying to say is that I believe that I am jealous of what they share.

There have been many times that I might feel a slight attraction to someone but it was always a fleeting moment and I would always brush it off.

However, within the last 2-3 years, I seem to have developed a dangerous infactuation.

Its been so strange. I can never hide the smile inside each time I see him. The moment I find his presence in the same room, I feel a soft blush on my cheeks and my heart skips a beat. Each time we have a conversation, I hope it never ends.

But...when he's gone and I'm left to myself and my friends are no longer around to talk with...my mind begins to twist and turn. Voices begin whispering to me that its hopeless...

Someone that wonderful could never be single...

You've heard what they say. He's a jerk, he'd never care...

Don't ask. He might say no...

If he says no, you'll regret it

If you don't ask, you'll regret it

Forget him, either way, he'll cause you pain. Spare yourself the torment and forget about him..!

These thoughts suddenly turn into brooding and plotting. Each time I saw another girl with him, I backed away. If he was already in a relationship, I didn't want to complicate things. There were times that I wanted to try and spark up conversation but I didn't want him to think I was some horrid fan girl and drive him away.

Then I was broken. He started going out with someone else. I watched them quietly from the other side of the room but I couldn't look when she kissed him.

One thing that bothered me was that he never smiled even once when she hugged him or held his hand. Even though he seemed unhappy, I backed off in case I was wrong.

And then, at the last week of school, I spent as long as time allowed after school in the art room to work on my pieces but also to watch and talk with him about his. In fact, Kc was there during one day that I was able to spend a long time talking with him. She even said that we had a lot in common. I still didn't say anything to him, though because he was with someone else.

Then...at the last day of school. I caught word that he had broken up with her. It felt as though I had lost my chance but I still hoped to get another chance again later.

For instance, the fair. I knew he would be there. I went every day because I knew, without a doubt that I would be able to see him once, even if in a fleeting glance.

The only problem was that I have poor farsight and my glasses would only be broken at the fair. I asked my friends to tell me if they saw him so that I might be able to see him.

I was finally warned by Bee that he was near and I searched rather frantically. I even shouted when I found him but I walked past. For some reason, I just couldn't work up the courage to say something with everyone I knew around.




I suppose...I'm trying to say that...seeing Kc and Wyatt hurts...because it reminds me of him. It brings back the terrible ideas that I'll always be alone becacuse I've lost my heart to another and any who try to get my attention only recieve a cold response.

It hurts because I feel that I will never find the right person

It hurts because I know I've been hurting others who hold a spark for me.

It hurts because there is a place inside that has been rubbed raw and every little thing rubs the wound even deeper into the pit of my being.

My heart is in so much pain...