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My life has gotten so stressful since Grandma got back from brisbane. It was so much more peaceful, so relaxing while she was gone. It was such a welcome relief, we were all so stressed with her here. Now she's back, and I can't take it anymore. She brings stress with her wherever she goes. Mum can't sleep properly again since she got back. I'm getting so sick of all of it. My hands are shaking so much, it's kinda hard to type. They've never been this bad from stress before. Gods, it feels like the blood in my arms and chest is churning, trying to get out. I have images in my head again, of flesh being torn, blood flowing, knives gleaming. I want to hurt people, I want to hurt myself. I won't though. I've held out for too long, I am not going to cut. I have been able to resist so far for all of my life, I've never really cut. It's getting so hard not to now, though. I wish I had fangs, so I could sink them into my flesh, tear at it, watch the blood flow out. I want to feel the pain, I want to see it. I won't. I have too much control. I will not give in. I will not hurt myself. I will not hurt others. I won't... I can't. I won't let myself. Gods, I want it to just go away. I want my grandmother to go away, I want my father to go away, I want my step mother to suffer, I want my school work to go away, I want to be able to live, damn it. I want to be able to live. I feel caged. I can feel the bars around my chest, closing in. It's hard to breath. My mind is in chaos. I can't think straight. I just want to not worry about it anymore. I want the chaos gone. F*ck it, I can't take this. I know that my life isn't as bad as a lot of peoples, I know there are people who would give anything to have my life. I know I'm being stupid. But I can't take it. Yet, I have no choice but to. That is the irony. I can do nothing but force myself to cope. I wonder, if my grandmother died right now, would I cry? Yes, I would. I love her. She's driving me insane, but I love her. I just wish that I didn't have to live in the same house as her. I want her alive, but far away. Ra, I can't even concentrate on writing this right now. I need to escape. I need to bury myself in anime and manga, and music. Those things are my freedom. They take me away. I need them. I couldn't manage without them. I... my chest hurts... it's churning, and clenching, and it's hard to breath, I just... gods, my mind is in just as much turmoil. I just want someone to read this. I need to share my pain, lessen the burden. I can't tell my mother all of what I am feeling, she has enough hardship. It's getting harder to pay the bills, with petrol prices increasing, the prices of everything else increase. I wonder how much longer we're going to be able to afford the internet. When we lose it, that will be it. I'll no longer be able to cope. When it happens, I'm barely going to be alive. I can feel it. Damn it all to hell. I need to read fanfiction. I need to lose myself. I'm ending this entry. I hope someone reads it. I want someone to know my pain, even if they don't care.
~-~-~Shadow~-~-~