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Emo update.

I think Japan has lost its magic. I'm very sad that I said that.

I'm slowly packing and all these memories come back to me. And I feel funny.

First on an unrelated note I had this feeling that I haven't had in a long time. Have you ever been somewhere, seen some thing that just made your nerves stand on end? But in a oddly good way? As if everything at that moment was perfect. Like you were allowed a look into a private world that you may not understand? It just happened to me when I was going threw all these storage spaces. I opened this one and some..thing...the arrangement of the boxes, the smell...it made my spine tingle as if I had some private view into Celine's life.

But then all these other memories make me feel odd. In a bad way. I remember how when I first came here I practically starved because I didn't know how or where or what to eat. Now I'm having 'weight' issues telling myself I'm a fat sloth. How did this happen in a year?

And going threw my stuff here, my second year here, I still get some of that trace of the 'naive' me from back in my first year. The one who starved. But its different. More than innocently naive I look back on this me as just ignorant. Its...I dunno. Different. Like I shouldn't be feeling this now. That I should have learned so much more so much quicker my first year. But I didn't, and now my things left behind make me feel awkward. Like they aren't suppose to be there. Like I got stuck in a rut and was content to float in it for the past year without learning much. And I feel it exceedingly.

But its odd. The more I clean Celine's place the more it looks like that place I knew my first year. That escape from the ordinary. But somehow my being here has made it ordinary. And I don't like it.

So many weird memories. I'm sure everyone marks their lives by important relationships they have had. But last year was the first year I could really do that. And it feels weird. I mean yeah my first year there was Hide. But I got over that quickly. I thought I learned and I thought these relationships could be better. I found the program from the festival the day I broke up with Karsten. Found some winter clothes I got from Makoto. It just feels weird and out of place.

Why can't I make myself a better life?