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I'm a selfish horrible person....I think only of myself...or at least that's how I see things after everything has happened.

There are so many examples that I don't know where to start. I guess I won't start but I will say I don't know why everyone I know stays friends with me. I'm horrible...I'm a selfish b***h.

I kiss Zak in front of Ryan and cuddle Zak in front of him too when I know that Ryan likes me. Horrible.

I say things that I know irritate Zak and I don't see why he stays with me. I don't know how he stands even being in the same room with me. Thinking about this makes me want to cry but I know it's true. I love him...I do but I'm so scared.

I'm scared they'll all leave me someday and I'll be alone...I'm so scared that it brings me to tears at night thinking up the scanarios that could happen between me and everyone I love and hold dear to my heart.

I don't think they know how important they are to me. I know I don't show it too well and that I'm a horrible person on the outside and I'm a hurtful b***h and they might not see how dear they are to me. I keep trying to change but I don't know what keeps happening to me. Maybe, just maybe, I'm destined to be alone.