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ninja
I've never understood why people write journals. Taking their deepest most private thoughts, and putting them in writting for all to see. To take your very soul and put it on display like sheets on a clothes line. People put locks on their diary's, but seeing a lock on a book only entices those looking to find your deepest secrets.

Already you can tell I'm not a very trusting person, someone who's been burned by those he once considered friends. See that? With just a few sentences I've already exposed so much of myself. Even in idle conversation, you can learn a great deal about people, if you just listen with some care. I've always been a good listener, mostly because I don't talk much, because I know how hard it is to say anything without exposing yourself.

So I listen... I hear what others say, and I learn eveything I can from their words. I learn as much as I can to determine how I must behave around them. Listening to others, many thoughts go through my head. We like the same music, so that's a topic we can discuss at length. Their political and religious views are different from mine, so I must avoid those topics or they'll get mad. She's a girl, so avoid telling sexist jokes around her, she won't like that. This guy's a sexist pig, so I can tell all the dirty jokes I want around him, and he'll laugh his a** off. Thus my behavior is often dictated by the company I keep, and I keep my friends seperate from each other, so they don't see the parts of me they wouldn't like.

My personallity is one of great depth, and bizzare contradiction. Were I to find a wounded animal at the side of the road, I would stop without thinking and do everything possible to help that creature. But were I driving and a bird landed on the road, I might suddenly decide to swerve and hit it, and laugh sadistically as I gazed back upon its crushed body in my rear view mirror. (Not a dog or cat though, I've owned both of those) Believe it or not, this is hardly an extreme example of what goes through my head at any given moment.

"I can be kind, I can be cruel. I can be wise, or a fool."

I often have thoughts that would greatly disturb others, but to me they are casual impulses that I would never act on, so I am rarely irked by my own thoughts. Rarely, although it does happen. Those thoughts are random, buried deep, best forgotten, and usually generated by my idle mind as a way of sickening myself. An example of my casual impulses, the kind I never act on, and occationally laugh over? Well, I once visited a relative in a large city. Living on the 18th floor, gave them quite a view. After my initial dizziness and vertigo passed, I looked out over the city streets below thinking "Boy, you could shoot a lot of people from up here, and they'd never know what hit 'em.". I concieved a rather gruesome visual image, laughed somewhat maniacally, then went back inside. Would I have actually shot at anyone if I'd had a gun with me? No, of course not. I don't know any of those people well enough to hate them that much. They're total strangers to me. "You don't kill people you don't know. That's a rule."

Honestly, I never killed anyone or commited any serious crimes. Not that there haven't been plenty of people who I thought deserved it, I just never acted on it. I never act on it. Ever. Despite astounding temptation, my conscience is simply too powerful for me to overcome. Well, in serious matters anyway. And with an imagination as vivid as mine, my dark side remains fed and happy from my sadistic fantasies.

I consider the Human soul to be a balance of both good and evil. Light and Dark. No matter how heartless and cold a person becomes, a glimmer of light always remains. And no matter how noble and pure one is, a tiny smudge of darkness also remains. The universe is a great example of this balance. For the greater majority of the universe is a black empty void, without boundry or limit. The darkness just goes on forever. And yet despite it's dominion over all existence, the darkness always gives way to the light of the stars. Every star in the night sky is but a tiny glint of light, which has crossed immeasurable lightyears of total darkness to reach us here. Any light no matter how minute, will pierce through darkness without effort. Thus there is balance. Darkness is everywhere, encompassing all. Light shines unobstructed, across any distance.

Well... this has been a rather deep and disturbing bit of self reflection.
Hopfully I didn't disgust too many of you.
This has been a look at merely one facet of myself, and I hope to show you my others later.

ninja The Loner
mrgreen The Goof
twisted The Sadist