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The Untimely Blossoms of Love
Foreword ~ That's right, this is my first journal entry in a while.. .and for some of you, ever. I deleted all my old entries because they have some things along with them and in them I no longer feel relevant to me anymore... and I just really don't see a need in keeping things that just remind me of painful or otherwise unneeded memories.
This entry is to describe my life in the past 3 months or so...
So now without any other real introduction I present my newest journal entry for you to read.
Part 1: The Fall from Grace.
Time frame ~ Mid June to the beginning of July.
Summary ~ The decline of hope, a failure, sadness, and the induction into an esoteric society.
When you see a flower withering or dying you feel the need to water it, right? Well if you water that flower too much in an attempt to keep it alive then it will die regardless, but if you don't do anything then it's assured it will die.The point I'm trying to make here is that moderation is the key to a successful anything. Without it you'd never know where to begin or where to stop. I guess in a sense love works the same way, if you don't love them enough the person will feel dejected or ignored and if you love them too much they'll feel like you're trying to control them or change them. That's been my experience at least, and it has yet to prove me wrong.
School being the veritable source of boredom it always is near the end of the year was making me impatient and so I decided I would find something to ease that boredom once summer rolled around. I had a girlfriend at the time, and had high hopes for the future. So it's not surprising that we planned to spend time together over summer. Those plans did indeed come to fruition a couple times in the first little while of the summer. But of course it was nothing too major, just hanging out playing video games or watching a movie. But I was happy nonetheless doing these simple things because I though that if I loved someone that I would be happy just being with them, which sure enough was the case. Although thinking about it, I always did wish we did more than just the same things, It was quite boring at times I'll admit. By now you'll realize that I am no longer together with this person but I'll get into that in a little bit.
Now at the same time all this personal activity was occurring I was becoming quite the internet socialite yet again with the oncoming of summer.And it just so happened that during one of my many random searches through the forums for less viewed threads I stumbled upon the recruitment thread for an art collaboration being run by a now good friend of mine. The theme was Tarot cards, one that I felt instantly attracted to. I signed up immediately and stayed to hang out for a while with them that night and then went to sleep. Had I realized just how much drama would come of a simple decision like this, I'm not so sure I would have accepted it so readily. But nonetheless I did, and I am now very glad for such a decision.
The next few days were filled with an entertaining amount of conversation and merry-making with all the artists gathered there for the project. There were 22 artists needed and we managed to get them all fairly quickly. Now when I made my arrival to the recruitment thread one day I found that the official thread had been made a little while earlier so I hurried over to there to check out where we'd be doing our work at. To say it was an awesome thread would be an understatement.
This thread was nothing short of an awesome hangout spot, and as soon as everyone showed up again the merry-making resumed and we went on enjoying our carefree little ways.
Now my girlfriend at the time was apparently feeling somewhat curious about the thread that I had been visiting as of late and as such started visiting it and watching what I was doing with all the people there without my knowledge.
That really wouldn't have been a problem if that thread wasn't populated by such a fun group of people.
now we liked playing jokes or doing occasional inappropriate things, but when my girlfriend saw a simple mention of me even looking good near another girl her jealousy knew no bounds. Now I thought it was a normal reaction and that she had a point to be slightly angry or whatever emotion it was that was possessing her. So i tried explaining it to her as best I could that it really wasn't anything serious for her to worry about and that I wasn't going to do something stupid that would ruin our relationship.
It was a short while after the closing of the art collaboration thread and through the thinking of me and another artist of the collaboration thread we came up with the idea for a new thread to resemble the old one because the people who were there really didn't want to leave their good times behind. That thread would forevermore be known as Creatively Yours.
now a couple days into this thread it was once again brought up that I looked good with the previous girl. but it went slightly farther this time, when another member of the thread made a request on my honor to draw whatever he wanted. That picture turned out to be of me and said girl kissing. This event most certainly did not sit well with my girlfriend. Which I did understand but I tried explaining to her that i made a promise and that the picture really didn't mean anything besides it's artistic value, but she would have nothing to do with reasoning or even sensible comprehension of the issue. After that she became obsessive, monitoring everything I did, and getting upset at me for saying hi or talking to people. I then asked her if she really was upset about what was going on in there then why didn't she just join in the thread and post her concerns so other people knew about it and understood. apparently she didn't want to do that because "She didn't have to explain her reasons to anyone." which I found to be quite a silly answer. then I confronted her about how long she had been watching what I was doing and she told me she had just started that night with the picture when I knew that wasn't the case when she started mentioning things that happened before then.
Needless to say all of this led to some serious conversations, and some arguments which for the most part ended up with someone crying or someone getting depressed or angry.
this continued for about a week before any real actions were taken, In the end it was a discussion that we really should try and work things out in person rather than discussions over the computer that sealed the fate of the relationship.
When we met in person, it was not really what one would call a happy occasion. It was a gloomy overcast day and to make matters worse it was expected to rain pretty badly that day. When I arrived at the park we were meeting at I sat on a bench to wait and consider what could possibly happen and what to say to her. I had arrived about half an hour early just so I could figure it out, and yet nothing came to my mind. When she finally arrived we sat without talking to eachother for a good half hour with nothing but an occasional glance at eachother and alot of tears. and as it went on it started to get windy and there was the occasional droplet of water from the sky mixing with our tears. But that wouldn't deter us from our goal of figuring this out.
Then after about another half an hour of sitting there doing nothing really we decided to get up from the bench and begin the depressing walk back to her house. It had started to pour down rain already and was extremely windy so we were both soaked, and cold. By the time we got to her house it had slowed down raining exceptionally, and yet we were still unable to speak a single word to eachother the entire time we'd been together. we stood in her driveway trying to find the words to say something that we both wanted to say but neither of us could. It was also by a wonderful chance that her parents drove up a short while after and decided to figure out what was going on like most parents do. This definitely only made the situation worse. And after deciding not to go inside to have to deal with trying to talk with not only her but her parents as well I started on my dreary way home.
That night we talked again through messages trying to figure out yet another solution, but there was really nothing we could do to fix something that had already gone beyond this point. She didn't trust me because she thought I was going to do something stupid and screw everything up and I couldn't trust her because she couldn't trust me enough not to watch everything I did.
And thus a couple of days later our relationship ended. With whispered words of discontent we went our separate ways, at least for a short while.
This incident pushed me back into the state of being extremely depressed, deciding not to leave my house for a month and on the verge of possibly regrettable actions. It's a good thing I had friends and the people at the thread to help me through some of it. but for the most part it was really a battle with myself, and the things I had to come to terms with.
Now my ex came back a short while later when I was just starting to feel better and starting throwing accusations at me that because I was having so much fun with everyone and I was starting to feel better already that the last year had meant nothing. Now if that was really true, I wouldn't have even considered some of the options I did for trying to fix things. But that was apparently something she couldn't see, so we had yet another argument which lowered my mood and led me to another low point which I was once again helped through by friends and the sheer determination not to dwell on things that can't be fixed.
So it really comes down to ethical thought. Is it really worth it to die for love?
At first you may think yes, but upon closer thought and inspection, you'll realize that dying for it really has no point for anyone besides leaving behind a painful legacy for those that cared about you. Like dying for a cause, if you die your cause dies with you, so the same holds true in love. Or so I would like to believe.
Part 2: The untimely Blossoms of Love
Time frame ~ The beginning of July to Mid August
Summary ~ Depression, Lost faith, A realization, and Love.
Now I'm not one to take the happenings of fate lightly, and if there's one thing I know it's that anything that can change, will change. Sometimes without a moments notice. But occasionally that change isn't a bad thing, as was the case in this matter. But really do we know what the future holds for us? It's certainly possible to predict things to a certain point but at any given moment one's life can change for better or worse, or maybe I'm just a hopeless philosopher.
And now that most of the issues with my now ex girlfriend were resolved, I could finally try and move on and set myself once again on the path to happiness. But first I had to get over the severe depression that the whole thing had brought on.
It wasn't going to be an easy task and I knew that. Now I guess I'll start explaining my situation during the depressing week from earlier and how it all accumulated into a giant mess of issues. After the initial argument I felt so bad that I didn't feel like eating and I couldn't sleep for longer than about 3 hours. take that and on average double it every day for a week, and you would have my state at the end of that week alone. And to make matters worse noone in real life seemed to notice that anything was wrong in the slightest. It was not an easy time, and it's not something I'd wish one anyone. Sitting in your room secluded from everyone trying to figure out a way to save everything you cared about and everything that was your life. Really I went insane at a point and began just drawing things on my wall at convenient moments in an attempt to make sense of everything. and when I regained some sort of sense I found that it didn't do me any good anyway, I was still doomed from the start and nothing could help me now.
But still I carried on, trying to deal with things as best I could. But then when the breakup hit I had an almost immediate breakdown. Things were bad and I had my heart broken once again, proving to me that everything I cared about seemed to go wrong somehow. There are people who will tell you everything happens for a reason and that people get what they deserve. but if that's the case, what did I do so wrong to deserve so much misery in life. I'm not saying I'm perfect and that I deserve nothing bad to happen in my life, but after a substantial number of heartbreaks and alot of family issues, it really makes you start to question the way things work.
To make things worse, at the time, my friends were starting to think I was ignoring them. Which made me feel bad because I couldn't bring myself to leave the house and pretend to be happy while really just being depressed and being an unhappy killjoy in all their fun. but really through all of this I couldn't even decide what was right or wrong anymore and what would really end up helping me or hurting me, so I decided to just stop doing anything. I would let things happen as they would and accept it as it came.
That proved to be a fairly good decision on my part, because I doubt that anything that was about to happen would have happened if I hadn't decided to let things take their course. The thread was quite a wonderful escape from the depression and misery that I had been going through at the time. The people there always seemed to be happy or at least cheerful no matter what was going on which I found quite reassuring.
We had gotten into the habit of playing truth or dare in the thread, which in my opinion, was quite a fun way to pass the time. No mater how awkward and disturbing it got, it was always fun somehow.
Such is the way of the world, things come and go, and time moves on despite our best efforts to keep everything the same. My time over the summer was just the same, filled with every possible emotion and feeling, and yet while everything was changing, nothing changed. I'm still here, everything I always knew to be right is still right. and it's as if the only thing that mattered to me at the time just ceased to exist in the first place.
Although if I looked at it again I'd probably find something that would amaze me or make me think things through again, but I'm happy where I am now and I never want that to change, but you'll find out about that in the next entry.
The Next Entry:
Part 3 The Karmic Ties That Bind
Summary ~ A rebirth, the realization of potential, hope for the future, and an undying flame.
I'm going to put the third part into a separate less depressing entry.
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