idk why i want him to loveme, he hates me, i know he does all he does is yell and scream, and beat me up, it's been like that for years why did i thinkit would change. i thought it was her that made him like thati blamed herfor years..i despised her for it, but it wasnther.... it was me...i make himamonster..maybe he just hates me i know it..he has to, im trying to make it right but it's not working, everytime i get up he shoves me back down, and steps on me....w.e. i dont care anymore..this is how imsupposed tolive....i cant do anything about it....i just wish things could be the way they used to be, when i was a kid, it was just me him and my sister. we were sooo happy, but not anymore,me and him live in a one bedroom apartment with a ctorage room that he sleeps in i sleep on the couch,the place is infestdd with cockaroachez., and my sister and me used to be best freinds and now we cant even speak to eachother without cursing at one another...i miss it somuch it brings me to tears .....and i dont know what to do..im sooo. confused...why does everyone hate me.....i just want my dad and sister back...i'de do anyhting just to have them back......i mean not even my mom wants me....the only happiness i get is occiassonally smoking and drinking. it seems everything i do is a mistake in every1's eyes....i ******** everyhting up..everything i do....my dad wants to move to florida, but we cant even get along here why would i go down there to a different environment with him....i fell in love with someone and they loved me too...i thought but..imnever gunna see any of my friends again......i dont wanna say goodbye to any of them....but i have to....i have 2 weeks and 2 days to try and say goodbye...how do i say goodbye to my sister she isn't going..... i told here i was gunn astay with afriend when i moved down there and shem told me she wouldn't talk ro see mke when i went down there....it hgurts soo bad...then she hung up on me...every one changed on me. and although he beats me up..it doesnt hurt as bad as what he says..he doesn't want me here, he wants me to leave, he doesn't care where i go... i've been homeless b4 but it's hard allit does is teach youthat the only person you can rely on is yourself..he says that he'sgunn aleave my a** in new york with nobody...maybe i should just stay here and rot...idc ansymore...i just wish the pain would stoip not the physicalthe emotional pain...it's the worst pain i've ever felt....i used to think family meant everything..but it doesn't not anymore. family is just an excuse to keep living but what if you dont have a "family " just peoplewho say they care when around other people....he says he's sorry for the eway he hits'me but thts just words, and a pack of cigarettes doesnt help the bruises or the scars on the inside....welli should go b4 he finds out what im writeing ...i guess i should just rot here..goodnight journal... sad sad cry cry
QueerBoi2991 Community Member 
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