View User's Journal

Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

The moments I can feel my own mind out of this drugged up State I have slumped into is the most painful moments of my life during this my memories of Canada flood back into my mind and the Promise I made to her when i boarded on the bus the tears I hid the people on that bus that tried to help me calm down and the Ripping feeling I feel only seems to get worse as the days go by ..I still love her ..and yet I hate what happened so much that I cry every night I don't sleep I barely eat all this pain strikes me still and it wont let go no matter how happy I act or seem I am never fully happy I am tormented by my own promises I made that were thrown back into my face ..each day I have a Wish an that is to Erase myself from this world the pain that holds my heart and soul beats me each moment I stay awake each moment I sleep the past comes to me ..how happy we were and how I loved to see her smile her face her tears I promised I would be there to take them all away and comfort her like we both said we wanted but in the end I think it was only me that wanted to do that ..The last days she would sleep so peacefully and i would lay in that floor gazing at her in tears I didn't sleep those nights I stayed awake to try to cry and keep telling myself it was nothing but a nightmare one that i would wake up from to see her happy face her smile one where my love would still be returned and despite how shy I was and how Quite I would get I only wanted her love ..and now I choice to wither away most would say that the reason i don't move on so easily is because she was the first time i had sex but that's not true I Loved her I traveled five thousand miles to start a life we promised each other ...and now I sit her contemplating Death ..

These were my Promises) I promise you to always love you ..and I did,
I promise to keep you safe and take care of you, When you where sick that time I used the last of my money to see you got what you needed,
I promised i would never leave you ..I couldn't keep that one ..but it wasn't my fault,
I promised to come to Canada and prove to you that my love was my motive..and I did,
I promised That you would be the only one I loved ..and I kept that not knowing my trying to have fun would lead to the one thing that showed me my true uselessness,
I Promised to marry you ..and i gave you the rings and my family heirloom as proof to that .so I kept that promise until you didn't want me around...

Now I no longer hear from you nor do I hear from the women I was so happy to call my grandmother ..now I no longer have that right

Vicky Erica Stevie Matt Erin April Blair Megen Baby Cal lien your mother Erica I miss them so much I love them like Family but I'll never see that joy of having the Family you Said you all were ..my family you claimed to be ...I'll never get to see that ever again ..

So instead I Bide my time Being hated And treated like dirt almost losing my home multiple times ..but what else can I do I am never fully happy only partially

The Memory haunts me an torments me. Is this my Curse to be forsaken and unforgiven.?
User Image

Chaos

Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

More Information