Sweet Jesus, it's two in the morning and I'm writing an angsty fanfic. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I do not own FFX.
***
Life is changing
I can't go on without you
Rearranging, I will be strong
I'll stand by you
Rikku watched as Auron slowly disappeared, pyreflies escaping like slow bullets, ready to pierce her chest until she was left with nothing more than the memory of him. Her heart stopped beating for a moment, and then pounded at her ribcage until she wanted to scream out in agony.
It wasn’t right…
The world shook and light vanished, fading in and out until there was nothing left but them standing upon that platform, and the pyreflies escaping from him. Her hands shook in rhythm with her knees, bones clattering soundlessly in a tattoo made for the dead, and as he turned away from her, she felt the cold fingers of shock race across her body until it was all she could do to blink.
“Don’t go…” she whispered, lips barely moving. His back tensed, but his stride never broke. She was amazed at the grace with which he walked, for beneath his large, red coat and beneath the green sheen of pyre light, she could see him shaking with something. He stopped at Tidus, finally, in what seemed like an endless number of weightless steps, and stared at him.
From where she stood, Rikku caught the glance he cast at her, and the shock solidified into an emptiness beyond panic.
This wasn’t supposed to be…
She watched as he moved his lips in slow motion, forming words she couldn’t understand.
Time melted a moment, where nothing and everything happened at once. The seconds poured together, and color pooled at the edges of Rikku’s eyes like paint smeared across a canvas. Everything became too bright, too real, and when she reached out to touch him she found that the distance was too great. Air slipped through her fingertips, darting around them gracefully, like the memories erupting in her mind.
“Don’t go…” she whispered.
Pyreflies erupted. Her canvas-paint vision spilled over into light and sound, like silver chimes in the sunshine, and for a moment she was stunned.
He was gone…
And everything else was wrong…
(You were fighting everyday)
(So hard to hide the pain)
(I know you never said goodbye)
(I had so much left to say)
She lay down upon her bed with her hands clasped over her eyes and her freezing knees pulled tightly to her chest. Her heart felt like a weight, pulling her spirit down into an abyss that was too dark to see into, and her body felt tired and numb.
“Rikku? It’s time…” Her eyelids slammed together, slowly, covering the bloodshot, green, and she let a single drop of moisture, so large as the hole in her heart, drop into her hands.
“Coming,” she said, with all of the cheerfulness she didn’t feel.
The footsteps outside her door disappeared in an even rhythm, bouncing through her mind like the words that haunted her waking hours, up and down, farther and farther away.
Don’t go. Don’t go. Don’t go.
She silently rose from the bed, shuffling her frozen feet toward the door. The air was thick, and heavy with the scent of roses and tears, both a reminder of her status as a savior to the world.
The floor was clean and blue and entirely her own, and upon it she stopped a second, turning her head to face the long mirror that stood angled in the corner of her room. Quickly, she walked up to it, a spryness in her step pushing her along that had been absent for the last few days.
Quietly, she ran her fingers across her face and down toward the hollow of her neck where he’d held her from behind so many moonlit nights ago, smelling the scent of her and she him…
She shook the memory from her mind and reached her hand toward the table where a supply of makeup had been laid out for her. Her usually match-lit eyes fell upon one of the large, wood handled brushes, and her lithe, thief’s fingers wrapped gracefully around it. In her mind the words to an old song played, and as she covered the redness of her cheeks and the puffiness of her eyes, she hummed along, quietly, and never once gave thought to the fact that she was just barely smiling in the mirror.
One last song
Given to an Angel's Son
As soon as you were gone
As soon as you were gone
Yuna’s speech. It was paused and imperfect, and it filled every nook of Rikku’s being with a sort of sadness that she could only hope didn’t spill into the false smile plastered onto her face. She smiled for her cousin, and smiled because of the irony that Yuna was talking with such finality about someone who could come back, while she herself could only stand in the shadows and pretend to be happy, while all she wanted was to scream out ‘I was in love with him! I stole his cake at dinnertime and he was the only one who never complained!’
'Never forget them…'
Rikku’s eyes had shut at that. It had stung, but strangely the hole in her stomach and the one in her heart had closed just a little, and for a moment, the pain wasn’t nearly so bad.
Memories were the one thing that Rikku had vowed never to let go of, and she could remember so many things about him…
The smell of him, surprisingly sweet, when she would come to him at night and watch as his chest rose and fell in slumber.
The way he never told her anything soft or tender, but told her the truth because he knew she needed to hear it.
The way he had held her but once when nothing but moonlight had separated them…
Yuna’s speech went on longer than Rikku had expected, and after the sun had gone down, one line kept repeating over and over in her mind as she settled into slumber.
'The future is what we have now. The past… cannot be undone. Let’s try to come out of this with more than we had before, with smiles on our faces.'
Rikku felt a smile spreading across her lips for her cousin, and a tear across her cheek for Auron… and a knot, in her stomach, worrying for something more.
She was going to have a child.
I have a new life now
She lives through you
What can I do
I feel so alone now
I pray for you
We still love you
The months went by like the rainstorms, one by one, thundering on in Rikku’s fluttering heart while something grew inside of her that she could never undo. It was like mixing: a fine art that came with glittering flames and bright rays of light that could end in either tragedy or happiness.
As her shirts grew tight, her eyes grew somehow bright again (though never as brightly as they once had). She told no one, showed no one, and before her cousin could notice, she’d slipped away on her father’s ship, and into the oblivion of the world.
Brother had dropped her off in Luca at her request, though he had asked her why she wore such a large coat in the summer. She’d laughed, that perpetually strange mixture of sadness and determination glowing in her eyes, telling him that he had rocks for brains, and he’d huffed and grumbled until she’d made him leave, and the crowds swarmed in around her as she walked the busy streets in silence.
She saw a blitzball game, that summer, every day that she could, and cheered as loudly as any other fan, although her eyes strayed to where Yuna said Auron had first appeared more than anywhere else.
She could imagine him with his katana swung across his shoulders, as he had fought alongside her many times, and it was like water to her soul, like him being there one final time...
The rest of her time was spent in Luca, roaming into all of the shops that she had never been into before, and wondering at how so many things could be sold for more than twice their worth.
She bought beads for her rapidly growing hair, and watched in amazement at how her face changed. When she had started her journey with Yuna and the others, she had had a softness about her, partially from baby fat, partially from the freedom with which she flung her smiles, and afterward… things had changed. She had let herself get a little gaunt, but never so badly that Yuna would become worried, and she had begun to wear makeup under her eyes to hide the bags, which now she rarely had.
Until…
Until what? All of that had changed so quickly…
Until…
Until she had visited the Farplane and had not seen him…
(You were fighting)
(Every day)
(So hard to hide the pain)
(I know I never said goodbye)
(I had so much left to say)
It had come to a surprise to her, and for a moment- one foolish moment- she almost believed what the rest of Spira believed… what she wanted to believe: that pyreflies were ghosts.
She wanted… to believe that the father of her child was coming back someday, to wrap his arms around them both like she knew he could…
She wanted to believe… so many things.
She wanted…
She wanted…
But what she believed was that she had been wrong all of those years- that her people had been wrong.
The Farplane didn’t run on memories. It ran on something stronger, and fuller: something all too capable of creating and destroying in the hands of those who would believe with it.
It ran on faith.
Faith that their loved ones resided there, and that they could see them whenever they wished. Faith that no matter how badly things went for them, there would always be someone waiting for them in the pyrefly fields.
Rikku had no such faith, though in her moment of doubt, a flicker had appeared behind her, only to die in her conviction.
He was not there, in the one place where the dead were told to sleep, and for her, that meant exactly that: He was gone.
One last song
Given to an Angel's Son
As soon as you were gone
As soon as you were gone...
She visited the Farplane only once more before returning to the Celsius, once when there was nothing more to hold her together than her memories.
She’d poured her heart out to him, then, the only time when he hadn’t been there to listen. The bags had come back beneath her eyes, and the redness to her cheeks. She lacked something that had been with her before, and held something in her arms which hadn’t been.
Her stomach was flat, and her attire had changed, though her face remained as thinned as it had been nearly half a year before.
In her arms rested a bundle of things, though none of them a baby. Silently, she sat upon the ground, and laid the things before her.
She was quiet for a moment, though anyone passing by would have been able to tell that she was itching to speak, and she seemed to collect her thoughts.
There was no wind on the Farplane. Something though, something warm and fleeting, touched her cheek in such a way that it could be nothing else. Quietly, she raised a hand to graze the skin there, and smiled, though that too vanished like the wind.
“Hey,” she breathed. The wind-thing tickled her again, and she looked down at the bundle lying on the grass hesitantly before speaking again.
“Last time I was here,” she started. “I said some things before I left, about you being dead. I guess, I’m here to say I’m sorry. Not about you being dead, of course, because you kind of are… but… I mean…” She paused and took in another breath, for courage, scratching her nose with her fingertip. She blew the breath out again and fell back onto the flowers, exasperated. “Jeez, you’re dead and I still get tongue tied when I try to talk to you.”
She closed her eyes and put her arms behind her head, listening to the sounds of the Farplane a little longer.
“We had a son,” she said, finally, without opening her eyes. “I named him after you… I guess I shouldn’t have done that…” She squeezed her eyes together tightly and brought her fists up to rub them, coming away wet. “He didn’t live very long. I guess, he just wasn’t… real enough.” Her green eyes opened. “He faded, a bit different than you, though, I guess…” she chuckled dryly. “I never even knew if he liked cake…”
The silence of the Farplane filled up the void of his non-reply and she shivered slightly in it. “I buried him near Home. It’s warm there…. The dead don’t like to be cold… I guess that’s why you were so grumpy on Gagazet, huh?” Silence. She rubbed her arms awkwardly, and silently, she cleared the metallic taste from the back of her throat.
When she tried to speak again, she found that she couldn’t. Noiselessly, she sat back up again and rubbed angrily at the tears streaming down her cheeks.
“You weren’t supposed to die, you know! We were all supposed to live together like in those romance stories Yunie reads! We were supposed to… have our son grow up, and you were supposed to teach him the things he should have been taught. Like how to… how to…” She sobbed slightly, the heat rising in her cheeks, and she turned it into a wicked laugh. “Well, it’s too late now! You- you can’t come back and I won’t let you…”
Her last words rang out in the echoing of the waterfalls, and she repeated them softly to herself, falling back onto the floral carpeting, and hugging herself until the tears dried on her cheeks and the hiccups became nothing but a shudder in her chest.
She let out a shaky breath through her nostrils, holding her hands over her face. ”I won’t let you…”
The wind picked up again, this time across her arms and into the cracks of her fingers, to her face, brushing more fully against her until she took her hands away.
A gentle voice above her said, “Open your eyes.”
She clenched her eyelids shut tightly, attempting to reclasp her palms across her chin, but a pair of strong, calloused hands stopped her.
“Open your eyes,” the person repeated. Hands still held to the other’s, Rikku shook her head.
“I won’t let you… I won’t let you… I won’t-“
A deep chuckle stopped her mantra. She sucked a breath in, suddenly finding herself lacking any, and froze a moment.
“Please, go away…” she said. The chuckle stopped, and for a moment Rikku thought that it had worked.
“Open your eyes, first,” the person said.
Rikku was silent a moment, holding onto her ghost with nothing but a hyperventilating breath and a bunch of useless, shaking fingers. Hesitantly she opened her eyes. The yellow background of the Farplane’s sky met her, and a face that hovered, nearby.
“Hello,” Auron said.
Forgetting where she was, Rikku started, whispering, “Hello.”
They stared at each other a moment, neither speaking, neither wanting to, and Rikku silently wondered why it had to be so.
“You don’t feel dead,” she said.
Auron raised an eyebrow above his still present glasses and smirked. “Did I before?” he asked.
Rikku looked down a moment. “No,” she said.
They were silent again, and hesitantly, Auron released his grasp upon her hands.
Rikku couldn’t bring herself to look at him. She looked at the ground, at the things she had brought, at her hands, which had suddenly become so cold.
“Why are you here?” she asked.
Auron shifted slightly, and for the first time, Rikku realized that he was sitting. Giving a short glance, she saw that his sword lay next to him on the grass.
“You called me here,” he said.
Rikku didn’t respond. The man in red looked at her with patience, and she wilted slightly under his glance.
“No, I didn’t,” she said.
He nodded slightly, and turned his face from her.
Rikku looked up at him shortly, glanced no silver in his hair, nor a scar on his face. Despite every intention to look down, her eyes would not obey her, and when he looked back, she found herself paralyzed under his gaze.
Hesitantly, she reached out a hand. Silent as a sentinel, he allowed her to touch him, at first tentatively, and then more bravely, her fingers dancing across his cheek as if she were afraid he’d fly away.
“I missed you,” she said.
“I know.”
With a sudden wave of courage Rikku hadn’t felt in a while, her lips were on his, and she found that they were just as warm and lifelike as they had been the first time. A moment or two went by, where nothing happened. Then, silently, Auron’s lips began to respond. Time seemed to slow again, for Rikku, where she was once again in bliss and all was right with the world, but quietly, Auron leaned back, and Rikku came back to herself in a sudden rush of realization. Scurrying backward, she sat hard upon the ground, and touched her lips, which had only moments before been kissing what she believed to be imaginary.
But he’d felt so real…
She shut her eyes again.
“Please, go…” she said.
There was a rustle of fabric, a moment of silence, and she felt arms wrap around her from behind, at once both protective and harsh.
“I can’t,” he said. “I’m a part of you.”
“I came here to say good-bye, though,” she said.
She felt Auron’s arms tighten around, though she could feel something different about him now.
He was different…
“Go,” she said, more finally, with something close to what she used to speak with in her voice. “Please, go. You aren’t real.”
Silence, long and downy.
“Rikku,” he said, after a length. “You have to let me go first.”
She shook her head finally, and found that new tears were in her eyes. “I don’t want to.”
“…You don’t need to.”
“…I do.”
With hands still shaking, and voice still under her control, she reached backward and hugged him one last time.
“I’m sorry,” she said, and nearly wept as his arms passed through her.
“For what?” he echoed.
She shut her eyes tightly, and wished with all of her being that things could have been different. “For loving you.”
And, for a final time, he was gone.
I can't believe you're gone
In the near-silence of the Farplane, under a mist created by a waterfall and a blanket of pollen-less flowers, a bundle sat of memories. A sphere glowed slightly, showing two people talking in a thunderstorm. A grenade sat silently, with the pin pulled, but didn’t explode. A bracer wavered slightly in a non-existent wind. And in the middle of it all, lay a piece of chocolate cake, home made, with the likeness of two people on it; one, short in green and orange, the other tall in red, holding hands, and in between them, was a small boy, who held onto each of them, and neither of them let go.
I can't believe…
Kaan Drem 0v Community Member 
|
|
