How my life has changed since that moment. It still amazes me that I can fall so hard for someone like this. Was it the same as last time? This feeling feels stronger than the time past. Is it because there's a possibility that he may like me as well? Have my friends deluded me into thinking that I may have a chance? Have I become so egotistical that I might have a chance with this beautiful, talented person? He finally accepted my invitation, and now I can see more about him. His photos. His interests. His favorite quotes. So much that I can connect with. So much I can learn about him, my heart flutters. It wasn’t love at first sight, unlike the other one. I’d seen him for two weeks, thinking little of him, barely noticing much about him. My mind would not have even wandered to his face if a friend had not mention his similarities to a fictional character. I didn’t notice him, even as I tried to find my way to my spot, only that there was a hole in front of this blonde haired boy. It was only when his name was called by one who leads us that my mind took notice. After I spoke those dreadful words a loud, I knew my life had made a sudden U-Turn, back the way I had come from the one before. Why did I have to speak those words? I knew that once I admitted my like for the boy, I would fall into my pit of hopelessness. That weekend, I dreamed of him being mine for all three of those nights. I’d not have another dream with his starring since. Until last night. Yesterday I decided to see what would happen if my feelings were known to him. I asked a friend, one of the very ones that has deluded me into thinking he may like me, to educate the person of my thoughts to my feelings. Sadly, I still have no word from her. However, it is last night, as I searched for the answers to my teacher’s assignment, that he accepted my request. I knew it not at the time, still frantically searching to find a way to complete the assignment that calls to me now. It was last night that this haunt of mine starred in a dream, much different than those that preceded it. Is this time different than the boy before? What is the difference? Why am I attracted to him, when his age says that I should not? Will I know what the news of my affection meant to him? I want to know so much it hurts. Sometimes I can feel his arms around me, keeping me sane when it should make me feel insane. So much time has past since those fateful words. Jobs that required me to go past his house twice a day. Him being outside, forcing my thoughts to memorize his number. 5-0-0. I will never forget those three numbers that always draw my eye when I pass. Sometimes I wonder if he notices me, always looking, always hopeful that he’ll be outside. I try to build up the courage to knock on his door, to see if he’ll answer yes to me. I know I’d not hesitate in uttering that small, yet destructive, word. It would be a mistake to push my affection on him. Four years is a large difference in our puny lives. But I want to be with him. Why could I not be born later, or him earlier? It is torture to have him not in my arms. I can almost feel him by my side. I now long to be alone so that I may visualize him by me. I reach my arms for him…but reach only air. My mind wanders during class to him. I wonder if he might be so generous and think of me. Who cares for raccoons and if you catch a marked one? All I can think of is his brilliant, beautiful eyes. I wish they would look at me, like the gaze of Adonis. But that is egotistical of me again. How would I measure up to all the other pretty girls that I am surrounded by on that wonderful, evil field? Still I let myself hope. What if he does choose me? What will happen when I leave this place? Would I be able to leave him?
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