With the changing of seasons I get depressed and in some cases suicidal. As it gets closer to the change of the season i get more and more violent or depressed. And since it's fall now, that's whats happened.
For the past week from what my mom says I've been mean and taking things too seriously. I know I've been mean in the mornings, walking out the door earlier than what is needed to cool off and getting on the bus mad. Like Monday, I couldn't find my jacket and cory pulls his old trick of
"i know where it is." Those words are often followed by 'but i'm not going to tell you' or something like that. I snapped and told him to shut his mouth as i looked for my hoodie. He called me a c**t cause of what i said to him i told him "yeah, I'm a c**t, I'm a b***h, I'm a whore. now leave me the ******** alone." and grabbed my sister's hoodie instead. Told mom i loved her, and left to stand outside for about 20mins.
Even outside i was pissed, my music up loud, and my back to the house i didn't think of anything that would of made me mad but i was bottling it up. It was a silent anger, a very dangerous calm. Patches the neighbors cat came over and i petted her, talked to her and held her the time i was out there. I wanted to go in, i wanted to find something to eat, go to the bathroom, get something to drink but i wouldn't let myself do it. For 20mins i stood out there and waited for my bus.
I broke down on the bus, I put my head on the seat and drifted, getting madder, sadder, thinking of nothing at all and i was pissed as hell. I even snapped at Chirlene (one of my best friends that i consider a sister) when she asked me if i was ok.
I ate a few bites of my breakfast burrito (eggs, peppers and cheese in a tortilla) Gave the rest to Andy, my tone of voice told him i wasn't ok and he asked. I told him i was mad at Cory. All my friends but Shelby know what he's like. Shelby didn't understand so i told her i was still mad at him for throwing my cat at me twice in one day. Calling me names and putting me down all the time. Andy said he needed to be locked up if he was this much of a problem but I told him mom wouldn't do it. He called it bullshit and the bell rang. I tossed the garbage and headed to Spanish class. For nearly 50mins i sat and steamed, my mind whirred as i tried to calm myself. I knew this was a good class to focus on something else. But everytime i tried to copy Mrs. Vanwagoner with the ABC's or the objects names, tears tried to streak down my face and a lump formed in my throat. After that i had to talk with Nevouses (I can't spell it but his name is Shay and he's called Neh-Vay-us in class) we went threw the numbers at least half of them i couldn't say right, and in the greetings i couldn't remember what to ask but i could respond.And i love that class, It made me mad being unable to hear shay talk. (he's really quiet and my hearing is shotty when it comes to people in front of me, i could freaking hear tanner just find and he was behind me >< wink
After about 40mins i couldn't take it any more and asked if i could leave. Mrs. V gave me leave and i left. Going to the office i called my mom. She couldn't pick me up right away since papa had the car. I had her give me permission to stay in the sick room till she came and got me. From then i drifted in and out of sleep, at lunch time i woke up and went to go eat in the lunchroom, and i came back to lay down. Then at around 1:15 my mom came and got me. I was much calmer but just as dead/angry/sad inside. We went to the store and she asked me what was wrong with. I told her i was mad at cory still from yesterday and that when i tried to not think of it, i got madder.
She told me i should not let Cory get me so mad that i can't function in school, that i need to go to school and that i would have to make up what i missed. I told her that it's not like i wanted to get sick or anything that it just happened. I can't remember what she said after that but we went into the store and got dinner plus snacks. That costed 51some odd dollars. 2pints of ice cream, 1 gallon of ice cream, A package of about 3-5lbs of beef, Eclairs, a magazine, A newspaper, a gallon of sunny D and another gallon of another orange juice and a 20oz of mountain dew and a 40count thing of pizza pockets from Tostiotoes or something like that.
Once at home i ate about the whole 1pint of cream >.< then i tried to sleep but i couldn't since i was listening to Mom, Dad, and Cory talk about how cory needed to lay off of me in the mornings. Dad told Cory that i was the same as him when he was younger. Things that made other people scared, nervous or afraid would send him into what seemed like a life threatening sickness. (Fever, vomiting, shakes ect.) I came out of my room by then and dad told me that my meekness, shy personality and inability to deal with stress well would go away someday when I've had enough of it. I asked him if he'd teach me how to fight, and he told me to get Cory to teach me. I didn't want Cory to teach me.. I didn't even want to be sitting on the same couch as Cory at that moment. Dad told us one last thing before he left the house though. That one thing we inherited from our grand dad was that when we start to giggle or laugh in a fight that we should back off or we would either kill, or tear their world to bits.
Dinner was at 6:30 and i ate my spaghetti like my mom wanted me to.
I was laughing and having fun with people on the internet. but around 9-10pm people started to log off. It was around then that i noticed a slight itching in the back of my head, and in my arms. the more i payed attention to it the clearer it became. Images started to play threw my head, I viewed my self as 13, in the back room doing laundry, a set of scissors within reach, and i felt that slight sting of blade cutting skin. (Yes i cut my self when i was 13 or something) I tried to forget about it, turn my mind toward something else. My mind went to a future in the military doing what it wanted. Special forces or Infantry. I was at a party in like a Korea or something bar and i tried some puffer fish or something and started to have a allergic reaction to it. I was suddenly out of body, watching my friends freak and try to get me to react to them as my wind pipe swelled up and stopped my breathing. Time skipped and i was in the hospital. Waiting outside the double doors with my friends for the doctors. None of them saw me. The doctor came out and told 'em i was gone. The last thing i saw of the hospital was my friends just staring off into space. Then another time skip happened and one of 'em was at the computer logging into my stuff and telling all my friends i was dead. Another time skip and i was back to normal sitting and staring at my computer screen. I wasn't scared i was pissed to be killed by a damn ******** fish!
When bed time rolled around i was being eatin' alive by fleas, all around my ankles and back of my legs. I tried to go to bed but the moment i laid down my muscles freaked out and i was up i just a few minuets running my hands over my body thinking i was covered in fleas or something and then i was outside in the front living room using campho-phenique trying to get it stop the itching. Mom told me i was taking things to seriously cause a flea bit me and i started to whine and fight back tears even though i knew i should be crying like a baby about a damn flea. she wanted to know what was wrong with me and i told her i was just suddenly sad and i started to ball as my mind clicked and thought of what the hell was making me this way but nothing came up and i kept thinking i was Bi-polar cause i was happy just like an hour ago or something. And as much as i hate to say it.. I fell asleep in my mom's bed.
Woke up and had to get ready for school, got dressed but as i sat on the couch my stomach started to toss and turn as i heard cory bitching about the cat who is in heat waking him up with it's meows and i couldn't help but squirm. And again i stayed home from school cause the thought of walking the halls and acting like everything was ok made it worse.
BUT now its like.. 7:08 and tomorrow around this time I'm going to be asleep or getting up to get ready for a doctors appointment to see what they can do for me and my "insanity" XD I really don't want meds but 'eh what ever.
Delicross Community Member 
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