Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

Sadly, it seems nightmares bring our worst fears to life in a world we cannot comprehend if we were conscious.

Last night, I had a dream in which...

Faith and I were talking in band, and Joey came up. She said he was going out with Kagura (from Fruits Basket...she was a real person), and I didn't believe it. Why would Joey have a girlfriend? Granted, Joey's just a friend to me, but I was still jealous. Faith explained that they were happy and a good couple, like Tatiana and Henry. Which disgusted me. And I said, "There's no way they're going out. One, Kagura is in love with Kyo. (I meant Henry) And two, Joey's...well, he's him." But Faith said I should just accept it.

I was so lonely. It was another one of my best friends, gone. My dad came to school for whatever reason that day around lunchtime, and I begged him to take me home. The pain was too much, apparently. He finally agreed after some arguing, and on the way to the car, I saw Jared. Being lonely and desperate, I was kissing him on the cheek multiple times...and he was doing it back. It was like...flirting, I think.

But, thing is, I don't think I like him in real life. Same goes with Joey. Or maybe I'm afraid of rejection. That's generally how it goes.

For Jared, my original purpose in associating with him was revenge on Danielle. I liked how he hated her as much as I do. But, why am I drawn to him? He's really nothing special; I just feel a need to say hello, not for pissing Danielle off. Granted, that's a nice bonus, but it's not the only prize I seem to be searching for.

As per Joey, I like hugging him. I really do. It makes me feel like I'm worth something, and satisfies my jealousy towards Tatiana and Henry. I feel like he's something to me, but I'm not sure what yet. And the thought of him having a girlfriend pisses me off, I admit.

-sigh-

Where I'm tossing and tortured 'til dawn
by you, visions of you then you're gone.
The shock bleeds the red from my face
when I hear someone's taking my place.
How could love be so thoughtless, so cruel?
When all, all that I did was for you
- "Autumn's Monologue" by From Autumn to Ashes