Okay so moving past child hood fears that haunt you isn't that easy, I caught myself watching the clouds as they passed over head to see if maybe it was gonna rain already planning how to change every plan I had made to put me at home instead of out and about. I didn't realize I had already began to hide before there was a problem till a friend poked me in the shoulder and told me the sky's were not gray and not to worry.
Somethings haunt you with out you even knowing I guess... its hard to imagine... tho I have to say I'm thankful after the rain I have the problem of being disgusted with myself for things that are long past and I had no control of.
So here... the biggest darkest hidden spot of my past is I was sold... or... atleast my body was sold to people... to do with as they wish from the time I was to young to remember my age... till I Ran away to my fathers... who wouldn't sell but but instead kept me for himself. Finally I escaped there... To my Grandmothers... My body was no longer used for others pleasure... and still to this day I feel unworthy of love... because of this past... Some face's you never forget, some lives... some people... that have touched your life never goes away. I can't begin to explain the face's I see at night... Sometimes I wonder if every face I see stole the innocence that I had as a child.. for their own pleasures of adult hood... or if they are face's of people I hold on to because they were the one's that didn't.
There were one's that took pitty on me as I cried to them, they would by me and take me to eat instead of a Hotel... Play with me at a park claiming me as their own... I wonder if they really were nice as I remember, or just a face my mind puts to them to save me from the truth that no one is what they seem.
I will finish this tale later for tears already stain my cheeks and I wish to not let my room mates know what I am doing... some of them think sharing things like this with strangers is stupid... others that sharing anything with anyone is stupid.. .and others still that would cheer me on and stand by me.... I just wish for them not to try and walk me through what I feel is my recovery... No one can hold you hand and break you of dependence.
Welcome one and all, the show is about to start... take your seats and hold your breath, I promise this is one show you will never forget
 NyxianaSpades · Sun Nov 30, 2008 @ 11:30pm · 1 Comments |
