Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

[FROM, HATES SAPPY ANYTHING]

IT'S GOING TO SOUND ALL BAD ...
BUT THERE WERE GOOD TIMES.

AFTER NINE YEARS ...
YOU GET USED TO A PERSON.
MAYBE TOO COMFORTABLE WITH THEM.

SOMETIMES I WOULD LOOK AT HIM & THINK,
"WHAT THE ********!?! THIS IS WHAT YOU LOVE?"

& IT HIT ME ONE DAY ...
"THIS IS WHAT YOU FEEL SORRY FOR."
HE ISN'T MUCH OF A PERSON WHEN YOU LOOK INSIDE.
CHARISMATIC, YES.
INTERESTING, NOT AT ALL.
GULLIBLE AS ********.
INSECURE
SELF-LOATHING
DEPRESSING
... EASILY.
BUT BEAUTIFUL, STILL.

BUT I AM ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO CAN FIND BEAUTY IN THE MOST REPULSIVE ENTITY. SO MAYBE THAT DOESN'T COUNT.

THIS IS HOW OTHER PEOPLE PERCEIVED OUR RELATIONSHIP:
A HAPPY, PRETTY, SHORT GIRL UNDENIABLY IN LOVE WITH AN IRRITABLE, FAT, VERY TALL MAN.

& THAT'S ALL I EVER WAS TO HIM.
HIS HAPPY, PRETTY, TINY THING.
HIS TROPHY. HIS DOLL.
SOMETHING THAT WOULD ******** HIM.
SOMETHING THAT WOULD OBEY HIM.
SOMETHING NICE FOR HIM TO LOOK AT.
& HONESTLY, IT'S A BIT TIRING STANDING IN THE SAME POSITION ALL DAY ON A ******** PEDESTAL.
BUT IF I MOVED ... HE WAS SO UNHAPPY.

BUT WHAT DO YOU SAY TO A PERSON WHEN YOU REALIZE THIS ABOUT THEM? WHEN YOU LOVE THEM? WHEN THEY ARE THE ONLY THING YOU HAVE EVER LOVED SO MUCH ...

OH, NOTHING ...
KEEP TELLING YOURSELF IT ISN'T SO BAD.
SO THAT IT EATS AT YOU.
LIKE ALL THE OTHER s**t.

LIKE WHY AM I ALWAYS EATING DINNER ALONE?
& HE TALKS ON THE PHONE IN ANOTHER ROOM ...
& THE RECEIPTS IN HIS POCKETS ...
& I SLEEP ALONE ...

YEAH, YOU KNOW EXACTLY ... YOU ARE NOT STUPID.
BUT DON'T JUST JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS ...
ALWAYS GIVE HIM THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT ...
BECAUSE YOU LOVE HIM.

THAT WAS WHAT I DID ...

I DID ******** LOVE HIM.
BUT I COULD NOT SHARE HIM.

LAST DAY:

JUST AS I AM COMING IN THE DOOR FROM WORK.
HIS ******** TRASH IS WALKING OUT.
& HE IS HIDING IN THE BATHROOM.
BECAUSE HE IS CAUGHT, & I AM BEYOND PISSED.
& HE KNOWS THIS. & HE IS ALREADY CRYING.
THEN HE STARTS GETTING HYSTERICAL & HYPERVENTILATING ...
HE WON'T LET ME IN, SO I START KICKING THE DOOR.
WHICH JUST PISSES HIM OFF, OBVIOUSLY.
HE THROWS OPEN THE DOOR & SLAMS ME INTO THE WALL.
& HE PINNED ME THERE.
& HE SAYS SOMETHING LIKE CALM DOWN PROBABLY...
I WASN'T LISTENING. I WAS TOO PISSED.
I COULD ONLY LOOK AT HIM & THINK,
"WHAT THE ******** IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOU REALLY JUST DID THAT TO ME."

MAYBE IT WOULD HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT IF HE WAS A SMALLER GUY.
BUT I AM A TINY FEMALE.
& HE IS 6'4 & LIKE 300+ LBS.

& I TOLD HIM, "I AM ******** GONE, TOM."
& YES I WILL USE HIS NAME HERE.
THOMAS ALAN MARTINO ********.
******** GUIDO WOP DEGO b*****d.
BECAUSE ******** HIM.
[BUT I AM SORRY TO OFFEND. THAT IS AWFULLY MEAN.]

SO HE BARRICADES HIMSELF IN FRONT OF THE DOOR.
& CRIES & APOLOGIZES & BEGS ME NOT TO LEAVE.
& I JUST LOOK PAST HIM & ASK HIM TO MOVE SEVERAL TIMES.

WHICH MAKES HIM MAD ... & HE SAYS,
"YOU'RE SO CRUEL. THAT'S WHY I DID THAT ..."

WHICH MAKES ME LOOK HIM DIRECTLY IN HIS EYE & SAY,
"STOP. I AM CRUEL? I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN FAITHFUL TO YOU. ALWAYS. EVEN WHEN I DOUBTED YOU ... WHY ARE YOU CRYING? I SHOULD BE CRYING."

HE SAYS,
"YOU SHOULD BE. BUT YOU AREN'T BECAUSE YOU DON'T REALLY LOVE ME. NONE REALLY LOVES ME ..."

WHICH SOUNDS PATHETIC, & I HAVE CHOICE WORDS FOR HIM,
"YOU STUPID, FAT ********. I AM THE ONLY PERSON YOU WILL EVER KNOW THAT LOVED YOU AS MUCH AS I DID. NONE KNOWS ME AS INTIMATELY AS YOU. DO YOU KNOW HOW ******** HARD THAT IS FOR ME? TO GET CLOSE? HOW ******** HARD IT IS TO SAY 'I LOVE YOU' & MEAN IT? I SAY IT RARELY SO THAT IT MEANS SOMETHING! IT'S LIKE, ALL THIS TIME WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER ... & YOU STILL DON'T KNOW ME. YOU'LL NEVER FIND ANYONE ELSE THAT LOVES YOU. NOT LIKE I LOVED YOU."

& HE LOOKED UP AT ME & CRIED SOME MORE & SAID,
"I KNOW, LAUREY ... I KNOW. IF YOU LEAVE, WHAT THE ******** AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? WHAT THE ******** AM I GOING TO DO WITHOUT YOU?"

I JUST SAY,
"I DON'T KNOW. YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT."
& I POINT TO THE CRACKED INDENTION IN THE WALL.

SO HE TRIES A GUILT-TRIP,
"I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF IF YOU LEAVE. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO. I GUESS I'LL JUST BLOW MY ******** FACE OFF ..."

I SMILE & SAY,
"NO YOU WON'T. YOU'D NEVER DO THAT. & YOU DON'T HAVE A GUN. YOU'VE NEVER EVEN HELD A GUN."

HE CONFUSES MY SMILE & SMALL LAUGH WITH FAVORABLE REGARD.
SO HE GETS UP & TRIES TO HUG ME.
BUT I DODGE HIM.
& I AM OUT THE DOOR, & IN MY CAR,
BEFORE I KNOW IT. DRIVING OFF. NOT LOOKING BACK.
CALLING VEE, "I'M COMING HOME, b***h."
WHO IS MORE THAN DELIGHTED TO HEAR THIS,
BECAUSE THEY NEVER LIKED EACH OTHER.





GODDAMN, THAT'S A ******** WALL OF TEXT.