THINGS U'D NEVER THOUGHT SEPIROTH WOULD SAY ON THE PHONE
"You stuck the bean where?"
"What do you mean you stole an otter?"
"And what have we learned from this? That's right, washing machines are not toys."
"Beer in a milk carton is not milk."
"You need me to come untangle you from neon lighting?"
"How much maple syrup?"
"Look, give Cloud the phone so you can focus fully on finding the snake."
"Just tell the mime you're sorry and I'm sure he'll drop the gun."
"Well, I did find your pants."
"Reno had no business using the puppet for that purpose."
"Just make sure the dye isn't permanent."
"You tried to have sex with it, didn't you."
"I know you're bleeding internally, but the important thing is that Cloud's all right, yes?"
"Yes, yes, I can see the fire from here."
"I told you that was a bad place for a tattoo."
"So you're bald and covered in gravy."
"No, I really don't think you can use spontaneous combustion as an excuse."
"He's in tulle? You're in tulle?"
"You did what in my bathtub?"
"Just leave the zoo slowly."
"Whatever you do, don't make eye contact with the nuns."
"Palmer's car? On the roof?"
"No, I doubt the phone is going to work once you're underwater."
"They don't make a materia for constipation, no."
"You know, I thought my coat smelled like Crisco."
"Don't eat it."
"I don't care how much you can get for it, you need that kidney."
"I don't care how much you can get for him, I need Cloud."
"Yes, that will probably grow back."
"Tell Cloud I said it was all right to hit you in the face."
"You got what stuck to the frozen pole?"
"What the hell are you going to do with a sea turtle anyway?"
"How many cans of hairspray?"
"No, you may not trade your sword for firecrackers."
"What do you mean there's concrete in the middle?"
"I don't care how smart the parrot is or what it said about your p***s, it just doesn't sound like a good idea."
"Pull that out of your mouth. It sounds like you're speaking in tongues."
"With a squid?"
"Materia baseball?"
"You can't expense account pudding."
"I can't say I've had much experience with surprise transvestites, actually."
"Don't stick it there. No, I said don't stick it there."
"No, I don't want to know what you're wearing."
"The yakuza wants to cut off which finger?"
"The words 'smuggling' and 'foolproof' do not go together, even when Reno says so."
"Tell Reno if he doesn't stop ******** with air traffic control, I'm going to tell Tseng where the marmot came from."
"If it hasn't stopped bleeding in an hour, go get stitches. Otherwise, you still have to come into work tomorrow."
"That's no excuse. Bring the helicopter back by nine or you're in the brig."
"You're in Wutai?"
"I don't care if it's only legal in Wutai!"
"Yes, you really do have to find Cloud before you come home. Also wash him off."
"Okay, I can see you right now, on Midgar Nightly News. Yes, yes, that helicopter."
"I'm not going to tape it for you. No, they've already shown the car chase part."
"Use the fire extinguisher to put the fire out."
"No, I don't think it's possible for you to become pregnant. I think."
"No, I don't know what you've got in your other hand. Yes, yes, I can hear it squishing."
"Why in the world would you need that much beef jerky?"
"Just take the chocobo out of the elevator already."
"Do you have the phone down your pants? Right now?"
"So you're up to your waist in quicksand."
"No, I don't want to see Pretty Woman again."
"I really don't need a cactuar as a pet, but I appreciate the thought."
"Wandering the streets in only your underwear is not generally acceptable."
"How many of you are in drag?"
"Zack, put the hooker back on the phone, she's not half as drunk as you are."
"You're stuck in a manhole in which sector?"
"Exploding cows?"
"So wait, first they were on fire and then they exploded?"
"How many lobsters?"
"Even considering the mako in your blood, I wouldn't eat that. I don't care where you found it."
"So, you accidentally lost Cloud in a poker game. Again."
"No, I don't want to hear your new limerick. Yes, yes, I can guess what you used as a rhyme for Nantucket."
"No, I do not believe you can't go on the mission tomorrow because you have suddenly come down with a case of elephantiasis. Do you even know what that is?"
"Will you get that thing out of your mouth before you call me on the phone?"
"No, I don't want a gimp mask, even if they're having a two for one sale."
"What the hell is a trashcan party?"
"You're stuck in a pair of ladies hose?"
"Stop singing disco. I mean it."
"When you say your bedroom is on fire, do you mean literally or metaphorically?"
"Is that you playing the digeridoo?"
"You know, pretending to be deaf is only a temporary solution at best."
"So you have no idea how the crocodile got into your bathroom."
"Stay away from Cloud's nipples."
"No, I don't think Tseng is going to forgive you. Yes, I do mean with bullets."
"If you didn't want to be sticky why the hell did you climb up there?"
"Well, either way, you're going to have to apologize to the midgets."
"You'll feel a lot better when the restraining order comes through. Or I will, anyway."
"What do you mean, you can't quite find your nose?"
"If I say something nice about your wang, will you let me hang up?"
"No, I don't think you're a werewolf now."
"What's that thumping noise? Are you playing basketball in the house again?"
"How did you call me if you were tied up?"
"Ask them nicely if they'll stop throwing fish."
"No, I'm doing paperwork, I can't bring you toilet paper right now."
"Cloud knows what you did with his underwear."
"Are you on a trampoline?"
"So you got your wang stuck in a beer bottle. No I don't want to know what kind of microbrew."
"I can't hear you over all that bleating."
"You're locked in the zoo. Again."
"So, Reno is dangling out a sixty ninth floor window. Yes, yes, I caught the significance of the floor number."
"No, you may not call in dead."
"No matter how you mash the avacados you can't call it wang-mole."
"How could you mistake an entire container of strawberry lube for jam?"
"I'm fairly certain there's a law against that. No, no, probably just a fine."
"How did Cloud get stuck on the ceiling fan?"
"Is the button big and red and labeled DO NOT PUSH? Right, that's the one. And you pushed it?"
"You pushed it twice just in case?"
"I don't think mayonnaise is the answer."
"I know it was your lucky pair of underwear, but you can always buy more."
"Don't push the maitre d' any further. Remember the last time you were concussed by a pepper grinder."
"Okay, now which summon did you get stuck up your nose this time?"
"Who's in pigtails?"
"An entire keg on the chocobo? Well, yes, I think it has a right to be angry."
"Sephiroth no es aqui. Me llamo Juan. JUAN."
"You're hiding in a refrigerator? What?"
"No, I don't think you'll be allowed back in that movie theater."
"You have a rooster stuck in your pants? Yes, it probably needs to breathe."
"How many of its eggs did Reno swallow? That many?"
"So your wang is stuck in a Magic 8-Ball? No, I don't want to know why. Or my future."
"What's that buzzing sound, the air conditioner? What? A bee beard?"
"Just give it to Cloud so you can use both hands."
"I told you not to lick things in the wintertime."
"Don't water my cactus with beer. Again."
"I don't care how nice it is, trade Cloud back."
"If there is still fried chicken in my heating vent when I get home, you're going to be sorry."
"This is a workplace, not an indie porn studio, so stop ******** with the surveillance cameras."
"Tell the stripper-- wait, you're the stripper?"
"Stop talking in rhyme."
"No, you can't cook waffles on a radiator."
"There is no evil monkey hiding in your closet."
"Throw the jar of peanut butter away. No, it doesn't matter if it's still sealed once it's been there."
"What the hell did you get pierced now?"
"That tank was not yours to take."
"Where the hell did you get a catapult?"
"You're in a prison in Corel? You know, I hear they still do public hangings."
"You're stuck in the elevator and the goat is hungry."
"No, I don't think Palmer's car can run underwater. Yes, even if you try really hard."
"What did you accidentally flush down the toilet this time?"
"Don't put that in the microwave."
"You bought me a xylophone? No, a parrot who plays the xylophone. Which drugs are you on, and how many?"
"Public fountains are not bathrooms."
"I don't think anything found in a garage should be used as sexual lubricant."
"I told you that cement sets a lot faster than you think it will. You didn't believe me and it's your own fault you're stuck."
"This is the last time you call me naked from a professional sports arena of any kind. Including golf, yes."
"I'm going on a mission to Costa del Sol. No, I will not bring you back a present. No, not even if you're good."
"Well then give them the phone and I'll tell them you're incompetent to stand trial. No, your wang is not admissible as evidence."
"Stop trying to claim me as a dependent on your tax forms."
"How many times did you debit "ShinRa's Super Slutz" to my room account?"
"You and Reno are starting a band? Cloud's on tambourine?"
"You cannot hone your sword with a trout no matter how long it has been in the freezer."
"Materia are not edible."
"So you don't know where you are or how you got there but you're dressed as Santa and children are crying."
"Why did you let Reno have a bow and arrows in the first place?"
"You chased a leprechaun to a bar in sector two and now you need fifty bucks."
"No, I don't 'hypothetically' know what I'd do with three hundred and nineteen decorative garden gnome lawn statues."
"You did what with my toothbrush? Well, now I see why you're calling me from Junon."
"Speak slower. All right, Cloud is handcuffed to the kitchen table and you've accidentally dropped the handcuff key in a bottle of ketchup?"
"There's no such thing as toenail cancer."
"No, I don't want to know what you just pulled out of your nose. I don't care who it looks like."
"Put pants on. I mean it."
"No, I don't want to go antiquing with you. Is that a euphemism?"
"That moonshine still you made in the thirty seventh floor bathroom that you think I don't know about exploded again this afternoon."
"I don't care if you have 'inverted wang' or not, you have to come to work."
"Well, be careful, you could put an eye out on those nipples."
"Well, measure the spread of the tire tread on your back, then you can estimate how big the truck was."
"Do not sharpen your teeth. I don't care how cool Reno says it looks."
"I don't know if Rufus will like your redesign of the company insignia. Yes, even if you put pandas on it. Yes, yes, I know everyone else likes pandas."
"I told you this would happen if you kept the Silly String next to your nasal spray in the medicine cabinet."
"I don't want to know what part of yourself you're xeroxing."
"You're not performing that operation on yourself."
"No, having Reno do it is even less of a good idea."
"No, not even if Cloud helps."
"No, not even if you can get him to wear the nurse uniform."
"Fire materia cannot put out fires."
"How did you duct tape yourself to a billboard? Yes, which highway?"
"You ate how many gallons of baked beans? And this time you didn't even use the funnel?"
"I don't think making a Mako Bong is a very good idea, no."
"Getting a boob job is against ShinRa regulations. So is giving one to someone else."
"Masamune is not a kitchen tool!"
"No, honey will not work as impromptu birth control."
"You did what to the giant monkey? Where is this giant monkey? Where are you?"
"No, I don't buy that your long lost twin is responsible for it."
"I'm not a nun. You called the wrong phone. Sephiroth. Your boss. S-e-p-h-i-r... are you vomiting?"
"You have a jet engine? And rollerskates. No, no, I can imagine."
"Well, I'm sure Tseng had a good reason for chasing you up a flagpole. With a gun, yes."
"You know this wouldn't happen nearly as often if you didn't hold the materia in your teeth while changing slots."
"So, you decided to enter a pole-vaulting contest and somehow one thing led to another and now you're halfway down a chimney."
"Put Cloud on the phone and go put the fire out. Cloud's on fire?"
"Well, Zack, some things aren't meant for riding. Even when they have handles."
"Cloud was kidnapped by gypsies? Again?"
"You mixed up Santa Claus and Robin Hood again."
"You stuck yourself to the ceiling and yet you can still manage to call me."
"Yes, yes, I can guess what part of your person it is that you've hung donuts on."
"Return that seeing-eye dog at once."
"You paid for the pizza in loose gil. No, you found a loose gil on your-- you ate a pizza topped with loose gil. Yes, you have to flush the toilet."
"You ate twenty nine jars of marshmallow fluff and saw God and God told you to call me?"
"No, I've never had a little Gongaga in me. You go to sleep now, and we'll talk about this when you're sober."
"You didn't have to prove that Rufus wears a thong. Everyone knows."
"Well, even if Reno did bite first, you probably didn't need to use that crowbar. The brick did just fine."
"Red is not a danger color if you're eating jell-o. No, really."
"You don't just find false teeth. No, don't do that. I can't understand a word you're saying."
"No, flammable and inflammable are not opposites. What do you mean, 'oops'?"
"Casual Friday does not mean you can come in without pants."
"No, Zack, you're not allowed to represent yourself. I don't care what the judge says."
"That better not be my smoke alarm going off in the background."
"If you broke another copy machine-- no, I don't care how it happened, you're still paying for it."
"I don't care if Reno slammed the copy machine lid down on your wang, you shouldn't have been doing it in the first place."
"No, I don't believe you're doing after-hours training. I can see you passed out in a hedge from here."
"Salsa and shampoo do not work the same, even if they start with the same letter."
"So you're on the camel now, but it's really hard to steer. No, that's understandable."
"So because of a bar bet, you're involved in a race around the world?"
"The next time you lose your sword in a poker game I'm not requisitioning you a new toothpick."
"Yes, Zack, when you joined SOLDIER they did implant a tracking chip in your wang. No, just yours. Yes, after your pysch profile."
"You've been quarantined for fear of spreading chocobo flu?"
"No, I don't believe the moogle punched you first."
"So you want me to go threaten the cable company to give back the connection you've been stealing from them for the past three years?"
"Stop drawing mustaches on every one of Rufus' posters. He knows it's you."
"No, I didn't eat any of the 'special brownies' that 'someone' left in the conference room."
"Hang up the phone. Call me back again once you're out of its mouth."
"No, I don't think tying Cloud to a tree and hiding in the bushes with a big net will work, and why are you trying to catch a unicorn anyway?"
"No, I don't think you should drink it. Even if it says 'drink me' on it."
"You've been arrested for flying a blowup doll filled with helium in a kite competition?"
"All right, this is the third time you've claimed to have anthrax this week. Come up with a new excuse."
"I don't care what color you dyed yourself, you have to come into work tomorrow."
"Are you inside a laundromat dryer right now?"
"You made the chili hot enough that it could jump start the car?"
"Cannibalism is not an option. No, I don't 'hypothetically' care if Reno was already dead first. You'd probably get food poisoning anyway."
"That's only if you try to ingest it internally. Did you ingest it internally?"
"Santa won't come unless you hang up the phone and go to sleep and not call me again for a week."
all of these were written by: twigcollins and ThorneScratch on live journal! I bow down to their greatness!!!
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