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------What happened on the day of my audition-------
It was saturday....and I went to try out for all-district.....Before going in to see the judges, I started warming up. Every instrument at all-district has a solo picked out for them, and while in the gym I plaed perfectly....I mean, absolutely perfect.I got every note, every rythm....I just want to make that clear to you.....
An hour later, walking through a poorly lit hallway, I made my way to a line for alto sax's on scales and sightreading...... I was almost inside when I happened to look at the line for the solo and chromatic. I thought,"Hey! Why don't I just do that first?", so of course I went up to the door..... Bad idea....But since I didn't have my music....I thought if it was fresh in my mind...it would sound just like it did in th gym with lots of other people hearing me play...... WRONG!!!!!!!
When I got in that room, there were two guys just staring at me....I couldn't play at all!!! My fingers were shaking and I drew a complete blank.... When there are a lot of people around not paying attention to me, I can play almost anything, but when it's just one or two people, I CAN'T DO IT!!!!!!!!!! No matter how hard I try, how hard I practice, I can never get up infront of two people and play...... T-T You might be laughing at me....you might be thinking something like "thats horrible!!", but it's the truth..... I just can't deal with the staring at!! I.....I practiced so hard on that piece for a year......got in all the notes, all the rythms, all the dynamics.....just to screw it up infront of the people I wanted to play in front of the most...... Do you know how that feels? My one thing that I was devoted to.....the one thing that I put all my time and effort into.....Do you know how it feels to feel like it was all for nothing...? I feel like....even if I didn't try....even if I didn't see it until that day....It woud've ended the same.....even with the effort...... I just feel.....like it was all for nothing....
On that day....I cried.......I cried in front of my friends.....I couldn't express it without tears falling from my face......When I think of that...I feel like I'm such a bad person..... No one there showed tears except for me....... My friends tried to comfort me...but they didn't know how I felt..... So tell me......Was I really wrong to do that? It keeps running in my head like a nightmare you just can't shake..... At that time......even though I was surrounded by people that loved me.......That was the time I felt most alone.......And that was the moment when I wished I had never woken up.........
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