I feel like writing here...though i know no one will read it. But that's ok...
I feel lonely and bored and I think my depressions is trying to come back. Nothing like having a war with yourself to fight something so strong.
Depression itself is a battle. Fighting to keep it away and under control is a war. It's awefully annoying I'll tell you that. Especially when, though part of me wants to let it overcome...the other part says "no..you can't. you have people in your life that you can't afford to lose. don't drown"
but i just want to D: i want to go back to the comfort of my pain and knowing nothing will ever be ok but that's ok cuz i've got me and the only person i can hurt is me and i dont have to worry about anyone else.
but that's not life..thats not reality D: my brain contradicts itself all the time..
i dont want people in my life but i need people. i need people like i need air D:
and that's where my loneliness comes in....
i've got no friends. i have coworkers that i talk to at work sometimes...sometimes i might hang out with one....but there's something still too distant to call it a friendship...probably because my heart isnt there.
but i wont put my heart into people like that...not when i know they'll leave
because they ALWAYS leave
oh but nicole you don't know that for sure..you just need to find the right people....
bullshit D: i'll mess up eventually or something will come along and they'll leave...
what's wrong with me? do i really suck as a friend? i always thought i made the best of a friend because i'm so trustworthy and i listen like no other D: yea i cant always cheer you up..but sometimes..you dont want to be cheered up..sometimes you just want someone to sit there and take it..someone to listen to everything you have to say without wanting to here what THEY have to say.
right?
so i have no real life friends..but i have internet ones...or sometimes i do
now i know everyone has their lives and no one can stay on all day with me..it's just that i'm so desperate and needy that i wish ..i just wish they could D:
i just need people to talk to to distract me from myself D:
maybe that's my problem D: i've been stuck with myself for so long i forgot to take the necessary precautions to keep the depression from taking hold. and now i'm losing control.
i'm having a war with myself..i'm trying to win...but i'm just tired of trying D:
sometimes i dont want to talk about..i'd rather just be quiet and shut down and wish people would leave me alone...
but he cares about me and wants me happy so i'm trying D: i'm trying to remember that he needs to hear whats wrong because he's the only person i cant afford to push away. for both our sakes.
but sometimes i just cant talk it out D: sometimes i honestly dont know what the hell is going through my brain because it's a million thoughts at once that dont make sense and sometimes contradict each other..
i hate that about myself..that i contradict everything....but i cant help it..because i really do feel both ways..i'm not an idiot..it's just how i think
i need a new job...so i can be there full time and not be at home...i need to go back to school so i can get a new job...
jarrod wants to see me get up and do things....so i wont be so bored and alone...
but its hard...its hard because part of me doesnt want to D: part of me just wants to sit and give up and wait for the day to be over so that the next one can begin...
rinse and repeat D:
i miss my chaoticly dysfunctional family...didnt think i would but i do. i miss going over there and being happy that i got to leave. i miss being the only person that could do what they needed to get done RIGHT THEN. had to be now..it had to get done..couldnt wait...they needed ME.
yea i always hated having that pressure..and i always will..but i dont know..
you miss what's gone right? even if it was the bad...
i just dont know what to do with myself D: i dont wanna admit i'm getting depressed again...i dont wanna fall down D: it's not something you can help me with...it's an internal battle...a war that only one person can fight D:
so what do i do?
llama8o8 Community Member 
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