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I swear my past set up so many traps for me here in my hometown, no wonder it is so dangerous for me. When you think about it there are ex's, ex school mates, cheerleaders, classmates, teachers, parents of friends, siblings, siblings' friends, church, and my own parents. People are the traps. They never see it coming before hand and that is porlly the biggest reason they are so dangerous. ^^

I'm really torn inside. I feel horrible, disgusting, and worst of all GUILTY. It really is my perpetual curse. This morning I went to Church, which turned out much better than I thought it would except one point. I SWEAR I wasn't being overdramtic. I wasn't trying to start drama. I had a reason why I acted the way I did.

My heart was already pounding nervously from being at the Church where friendly people had exiled me so long ago but then I wasn't prepared to enouter them. I knew Teej's parents would be there but I would have thought she had talked to them about the whole thing and warned them. I thought that was another reason I had warned her that I would be going. I thought she would have asked them to take a little time, even if they didn't understand. They didn't.

I saw her Dad there so I went around the other direction adn sat in the backmost pew, one away from everyone else. He came over behind me while I was talking to someone and touched my shoudler. I heard his voice and looked up to see him next to me and FREAKED THE ******** OUT. I ran out of the Church, it was the least I could do to keep composed.

I ran to the cafe down the street, breathing hard and near to tears. When I stopped near the cafe I slowly put the tears back in their box, the only reason I was able to keep from crying was because I looked so pretty and didn't want to mess up my make-up. I then tried to calm my breathing and heartrate. I knew I had done something awful. Absolutely awful after calming down.

I didn't want to hurt him. I didn't mean to hurt him. I reacted to my nature. It has been a full year since they betrayed me and I haven't talk to them in person since. Can they blame me? I hope they don't. I forgive them with all honesty but I just feel uncomfortable until I get it across that they hurt me so deeply. It was BECAUSE I had been with them everyday, gettting a ride and talking small talk, and they had been there for me in hard times or during my depression. They were my friends and they lied to my face. They didn't say "She doesn't want to talk to you right now" no, they told me "she isn't home" when I knew she was. They lied. Lied to my face.

I am SO SO SORRY that I ran away. I am SO much sorrier than I think they ever have been about lying to her friends. I don't think they know how much it meant to me that they lied to me. I lost them. When I lost them I thought our friendship was beyond repair. I thought she had told them ugly things about me and made them hate me. I felt betrayed to say the least. I think I deserve to act the way I did today.

They don't deserve to be kept in the dark about it.

They were caught in the middle because they needed to defend their daughter but I was their friend too. I think they made the right decision in defending her but they shouldn't have lied to me. They should have told me the truth, however it hurts, at least it is the truth. The truth matters a lot.

I was being true to myself. Don't hold it against me.

I am just so torn right now. I want to talk to them and stay over there but I don't know how I'm supposed to explain it so Teej doesn't get in trouble. In a way I think she deserves it. Then again, she didn't know better. She was jsut defending herself. She didn't know there was another better way to do it. She didn't know it would hurt me so much. Besides, the way she had done it before worked on all the previous friends. Why would I be different? ^^ That's me

I'm going to tell them the truth. I'm going to start by explaining that I respect that they stood up for her but they should have done it another way. I felt I deserved that other way because I was their friend. It also hurt so much because I assumed if they were lying, they hated me. Basic point: betrayl=reaction this morning. Forgives each other? I just hope I can do it without crying ^^" It's hard to face and I'm scared but I battle my own demons now.