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Ever get that feeling that you have no one to turn to? No one to confide in when you're scared or hurting? Heh, I know that feeling all too well. All I have for solace is this journal, something that isn't even tangible in the real world...But this is all I have. It's a decision I've made many years ago. I'm so afraid of letting people close to me because, honestly, I'm scared to lose them. I have no issues with my own mortality though. Weird, huh?

Enough about that though. Thinking about that only makes me feel worse.

I started screwin' around with this guy about a month ago. I met him one night while at work. Typical vamp type. Long, silky black hair, light blue eyes, covered in leather and chains. He even had his teeth filed down into fangs; but he seemed like a nice guy. We spent the night talking and gettin' to know each other some when he invited me back to his place. I gotta say, the sex was pretty amazing. He had a kinky side, which intrigued me. I like kinky; hell, everyone does. And I've always been up for casual sex. You know, no strings attached, wham-ba-thank-you-ma'am. It started out normal enough but it didn't stay normal for very long. It started spiraling out of control.

Each time, the sex was rougher and the pain turned from pleasurable to...well, pain. The kinkiness got worse too. But last night was the worst I had ever seen it. It was almost like one of those torture horror films. He had bound my hands and arms so tight that I have rope burn from trying to break free. All down my back and my chest are burns from the hot wax he continued to pour on my skin, even though I begged him to stop. He bit me so hard with his fangs that I have small puncture wounds all over my chest, but my shoulders are the worst. I guess he felt the need to bite the living s**t out of my shoulders while ripping me from the inside out. Then there's the pain in my...you know. I've come to enjoy being on the bottom, I really have; but last night was the worst pain I ever endured. It was even worse than my first time on the bottom! This time, I bled for hours and I can't even sit down...It's scarin' the s**t out of me.

I left him a message this morning, tellin' him that I don't wanna do this anymore. But what's to say he'll listen? He's crazy enough to do all those things to me, someone who he considered his 'lover' then what the hell is he capable of when he's pissed? Like I said before, I have no fear of my own mortality. I've come to terms a long time ago that I'm going to eventually bite the big one and cease to live. I don't care about that though. I just want to live while I can and not have to leave in fear that someone is following me or that someone is going to drag me into an alley and rape or kill me, or even worse, someone I care about. I've managed to allow a few people into my life somehow, and I'm scared s**t-less that this crazy ******** will go after them. Ya see? This is why dammit! This is why I've turned so many of you away and acted like I didn't give a s**t! So many of you asked and now you ********' know! I can't stand worrying about whether someone I care about is taken away from me! I just...I can't go through that again...