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My life is up and down all the time, so read this to understand...

I fingered the words I had imprinted on it. Maria and Chris I took a breath and handed him the photo album.
"These are memories so you won't forget me."I softly whispered. He tenderly held it in his hands and looked at the words. He opened the cover but I placed the palm of my hand on it and shut it. "Don't open it until I leave." I swallowed hard, and walked away, leaving the tears that had started to form in the corner of my eyes, allowing them to fall. They burned every part of my face that they touched. One landed on my wrist and I winced, the pain stayed. I held the tears in for nights, forcing myself to stay strong, but it was too much now. It had been too long. When I found out, I remember that I cried into my pillow until it was damp. But I remained laying there, still soaking it some more. I teared so much; my heart ached from the lost of trust that I thought we had. After what seemed like hours of loathing myself, I stopped, and I thought about why I was crying. Some stupid juvinille boy had made his way to my heart, and now within just one day, he had the power to rip it out and crush it until it was just a pile of dust. I vowed, and told myself to never to shed a tear over him again. I didn't want to be a wimp, and just cry over my problems. I was going to stay strong through this. I had completely broken my promise to myself that day. They poured out like nobody's business. I could taste the salt in the edges of my mouth and I cried some more. I didn't even make an attempt to wipe them away, they had been bottled up for too long now, and I had to let them out. He watched me as I strolled away, silently shaking as I walked, tripping sometimes because I wasn't paying attention to where I was stepping. Nothing mattered now, he was the whole world to me and I just threw it all away with one move. He didn't care about me, though. I knew. He was just using me, playing with my mind, making me believe that he really loved me. He paused, then he opened the album; the pages were white. He flipped through several more pages, but the slots remained empty. He was dumbfounded, and just stood there. We had been together for almost five months, and I still remember the moment he asked me. We were out to lunch with a couple friends and he asked me if I wanted to go outside for some air. Then, right when I was about to head in again, he asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend. I hugged him and didn't let go. We had started out just as friends, but over the next couple of weeks, we became closer. Everyone had warned me that he was no good. I knew this for a fact, seeing the way he treated the other girls he'd dated, and how many times he'd gotten in trouble with the teachers, but I didn't care. I was madly in love, and I fell too hard for the wrong boy. No matter how many times he said I love you, he could never fill the empty feeling deep inside of me, the place where the trust that we were suppossed to have for eachother should've been. Instead, there was a hole, that burned more and more of me, and killed me slowly, everytime I saw him with the other girl...

Chapter one~

I quietly breathed as I slept on my warm bed. Bzzzt. Bzzzt. My phone vibrated. I opened my eyes and yawned. Exhausted from swim practice, I collasped while doing my homework and took a long nap. I picked up my phone; It was Chris. I smiled and opened up my phone. "Hello?" I squeaked.
"What's up babe?" I asked. I wrapped my arms around my knees.
"I was planning on riding by our school right now."
"Oh okay."
"Yeah, mind if I ride by? Just real quick for a visit? I miss you, and I haven't seen you all weekend" It was six o'clock. My dad was already home from work, I could hear him cooking dinner in the kitchen. He would never approve of boys, even as friends good friends, and I didn't even know what he'd say if he saw some rugged-looking boy talking to his daughter in the front yard. "Hello?" He asked again.
"Sure. Maybe you can just bike by and wave or something."
"Cool babe. Alright, I'll see you. Bye."
"Bye." I whispered, and hung up. I squealed and got up. Rush baby, can't wait to see you.

I went into the backyard, telling my dad I was going to play with Jasper, in case he got suspicious. Adrenaline rush.As soon as I took my first step into my small backyard, Jasper pounced on my leg and began scratching at it. "Off Jasper." I commanded. He continued and I started to bleed from his claws, scratching at my bare skin. I slipped on some flip-flops and walked into my backyard. I could hang out here until he came. Jasper was a unique dog because he was a mix between a male pug and a female beagle. He was a puggle, a very cute and short dog. He followed me outside so I threw his ball and he attacked it like a cat catching a mouse. We played like this for a while, but I didn't get a call from Chris saying that he was there. I got anxious, so I called.
"Hey, are you coming?"
"Yeah, just let me eat first."
"Oh, sure. Bye."
"Bye." I hung up. Atleast I knew he was coming. Soon, Jasper took interest in a stick that had fallen off the maple tree, and began chewing on it, so he didn't care about the ball, or me anymore. I decided to wait in the front yard in case Chris decided to suprise me. I crept outside, making sure Jasper didn't follow me and my dad didn't see, and sat down on the lawn, and waited for my boyfriend to come.

Another half an hour passed. He still didn't show up. I called him but he didn't pick up. I got more and more anxious. I started to mess with Jasper by playing tug-o-war with his stick. He started jumping on me again, so I let go and he ran off into the flowers. I called Chris once more, it was cold and I wanted to know if he was really coming. Again, he didn't pick up. My hands were cold from standing outside so I ran in the house quickly and got a jacket. I didn't want him to ride by before I could get outside, so I rushed out into the back and burst through the gate, expecting to see him riding by; no one was there. Just a tree and some birds, watching me from the branches. They squacked, as if they were laughing at me for being so pathetic. I was about to call him again but I decided not to. I didn't want to seem too desperate. A small move could easily annoy him, and I couldn't afford losing him.

Time passed and my cheeks were getting colder. I couldn't feel my fingers anymore. I didn't care, though. I loved Chris, he was worth it to me. I still waited,

and waited,

and waited.

He never came.

The knife came out for the first time that night, and onto my wrist. I had been stood up.
Chapter two~
When you love someone unconventionally, you want them to love you too. Sometimes it just happens at first sight, sometimes you have to work your way into their heart. Since Chris was a pretty popular kid, all the girls were all over him, so I had to work to get my spot in being his girlfriend. First it just started out as us chatting once and a while inbetween classes. Then it became hanging out during lunch. Then it became calling all the time, then finally I achieved the goal of becoming his beloved girlfriend.
I guess you could call me a hopeless romantic. I did anything for him. If he ever got mad at me, I'd apologize a million times, even if it got me nowhere. But then I'd look back and see how pathetic I was and regret it. Then I'd become confused and didn't know whether I loved him too much. Whenever I got mad at him, he'd apologize a couple times, then I'd argue back, but after a while, he wouldn't care anymore. He just didn't care about me enough to keep trying. Everytime he did this, I'd have to forgive him because I didn't want to lose him, and I'd have to apologize for being so mean. He just did this for attention but I was hypnotized by his charm and I continued to fall for it. This was an endless cycle, arguement, getting mad, confusion, then somehow it always ended up with me apologizing to him, even if it was his fault. I didn't want to take this anymore, but I was irrelevantly in love with him, and I couldn't do anything about it. Every time this happened, I would fall into a trance, a depression, and I'd get confused. I cannot describe the feelings with words, it was like I was trapped inside a love cycle and I couldn't get out, no matter how much and how hard I tried. There were more and more cuts appearing on my arms, everytime he hurt me, and confused me. No one but myself knew about me cutting myself. I constantly hid them with longsleeves and jackets. Now that I look back at the scars, I can't even count how many times he's hurt me, and make me die inside. There were too many, and each one hurt not only on the outside, but killed a little more of me inside aswell.

I was a good student, I got good grades and all my teachers loved me. I even got invited on a special trip to Catalina Island for being an honor student, and the trip was completely school-paid, so I didn't have to worry about fundraising. However, I was required to do four hours of community service to pay off the trip. My high school , Jamison High, had a farm on the far corner of the campus and I could do my hours there since it was so close. On Saturday, I woke up late, around eleven because I stayed up the night before whispering to Chris on the phone. I don't remember how the phone call ended, I just remember hearing him saying something about going to the mall with some friends, and asking me to come along. After that, I think I dozed off and left him on the phone. I woke up and ruffled around my covers looking for my phone. I flipped over one of my blankets and my cellphone came plumetting onto my floor. I gasped and quicky grabbed it. Chris was still on the phone! I put it to my ear and asked quickly, my batteries were almost dead.
"Hello?" I almost gasped.
"Hey." Answered a tired, and raspy voice.
"You stayed on the phone?" I laughed.
"Yeah, I never heard you say goodbye so I never hung up." I giggled to myself, that was so sweet! He stayed on the phone all night for me!
"Aww, thank you baby."
"You're welcome." He yawned. "So do you wanna go?"
"Go where?"
"To the mall with me and a couple of our friends?"
"Oh, sorry. I can't, I have to work today, community service."
"Aww, alright babe. I'll miss you."
"I'll miss you more. And hey, aren't you too tired to go? You sound exhausted, I mean, you stayed up all night."
"It's okay, I'll just drink a power drink or something, I barely ever get sleep anyways." He was right, he stayed up late and woke up early, this was normal for him.
"Oh, okay. Well, have fun. Call me whenever you get bored, I'll be here."
"Sure babe. Bye." We hung up. The phone call was 14 hours, my battery was almost dead. I charged my phone and ran to the bathroom to get ready. I bumped into my dad in the hallway.
"Where are you going in such a rush honey?" He asked, holding his morning coffee.
"Oh, I have to do community service today, Dad. I'll be back around four." My dad looked at me for a moment. We'd become a lot closer after my mom died in December. He was more aware of my activities now, and could be a little picky.
"Do you need a ride?" He asked after a while.
"Uh, yeah that'd be good. Thanks Dad." He nodded and walked into the kitchen, leaving a trail of a coffee aroma in the air behind him. I rushed into the bathroom and brushed my teeth. How should I wear my hair today? I thought. I was going to work for pretty long in the heat, so I pulled my short hair back into a ponytail and clipped back whatever was too short to be in the hair tie. There, now my hair wouldn't get in my face. I put on a just-right line of eyeliner around the edges of my eyes, then I ran into my room. I opened my closet and the first thing I saw was Chris's jacket. He'd given it to me one night when we were out for a picnic. I began sneezing after an hour or so, but I insisted I was okay, but he draped the jacket over my shoulders anyways, and hugged me. Regardless of that, it was too hot for a jacket anyways. I wasn't going to wear it unless I wanted to die of a heat stroke. I pushed the jacket aside and picked out a short sleeve t-shirt that said 'System of a Down'. They were my all time favorite band. I slipped on my dark-blue shorts and some socks. I wasn't very hungry, so I skipped breakfast. I looked around the house for my dad and found him putting some flowers in a vase, next to my mom's picture. I hesitated. "Uhh, hey Dad, you ready?" He turned around.
"Oh, I didn't see you there. Sure honey, let's go." He grabbed his keys and we walked out to his SUV. In the car, I was constantly changing the radio stations, looking for a good song. Finally I settled on 'Tears Don't Fall' by A Bullet For My Valentine. I turned the volume low because I knew my dad didn't like my music. He was more of a soft rock man, rather than hard rock and metal. After the song was over, I fumbled with the button, trying to find another song. By the time I found another one, we were already at school. My dad parked near the gate towards the farm and I got out.
"Thanks Dad!" I called, as I walked into the farm. The place reaked of compost, so I held my breath and walked towards the man that seemed to be in charge. He was hacking at some dirt with a hoe. "Excuse me, I'm here to work for community service." I stated. He turned around and stopped working.
"Oh yes, just sign in that sheet over there, miss, and come back over, I'll get you started on some work." He pointed to a pile of papers attached to a clipboard near a tool shed. I stumbled over the garden plots and made my way to the shed. I signed in and then rushed over to the man, I had to work atleast three hours; I couldn't afford to waste time. He told me I could start by loosening up the soil to get it ready for planting cucumbers. I took the hoe and started whacking the dirt with it. It was actually harder than I thought; the tool was very heavy and there were so many dirt clods. I worked at this for about an hour, then Chris called. Good, I needed a break. I wiped the sweat off my forhead and picked up my phone.
"Hey, just wanted to call."
"It's so hot out here."
"Yeah it is pretty hot."
"Yeah. I've been working in the sun for like an hour. I'm exhausted."
"Wow, that sucks for you, I'm going to the mall right now."
"Gah, you jerk." I laughed
"I was kidding, babe. I'm so jealous."
"Whatever, I'm going, bye." Then he hung up. I stood there, completely suprised that Chris took my joke so seriously. He was being a bit overdramatic, but I knew I should apologize. I called but he didn't pick up, so I left a voicemail.
"Hey Chris, babe I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you mad. It was just a joke, don't take it so seriously. Call me back okay? Bye." For the rest of the day, I felt guilty about Chris. Although , I did think he was overreacting about it. I just called him a jerk as a joke, is that so bad? He should know that I love him a lot and I'd never mean something like that.

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