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Love is about being content, is it not? Maybe not. I contradict myself a lot. Love is NOT about being in love with lies. I just...what's wrong with me? Ok, lemme explain?

Two days ago, well more like 4...I have no idea. I just know it was the 19th of June. Ok. Moving on. I should have never decided to move so quickly into a relationship...I just, I thought maybe it would stop me. Instead I'm hurting myself and hurting the one I REALLY care about...God. I'm sorry I'm pathetic. I'm sorry I'm weak. I messed up. I really ******** up. I think...well no, I'm NOT in - I'm confused. scream My head is spinning in circles and I have so MUCH goddamn things to think about and too much to do...I'm sorry.

He's my best friend...and I love him to death, I do. I just...I can't see him any more than someone who's so close to me...like a brother. I'm sorry. I feel wrong and yet right...I just....oh god help me. :'[ I feel like crying because I know I'd hurt him if I told him. I feel like dying because I'm a uselessly pathetic human being...but you CAN'T just turn off emotions like THAT can you? Just like you can't just turn them on in a second.

I don't know what to do...I don't really wanna talk about it. I just want to be happy. But I can't be happy without hurting the people I care most about. I'm sorry I'm a ******** up. I'm so sorry. crying

And what hurts the most is that...I'd be dead without James...and now, deep down...I feel like I'm killing both of us.