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Charles broke up with me. What more can I say? I haven't slept good at all... and again, I was warned by the dreams. I lost him forever probably, but I won't let that get me down. I can't. In 9th grade, we made a promise that I wouldn't kill myself if he didn't breakup with me. So now I have a free will to kill myself. But I won't.
For a long time I've been going through mental problems... voices in my head, can't stopping myself from cutting, drinking problems, all sorts of things. I was never able to get counsiling. But when I came home crying at 9 am, my mom called the offices for help. And now I have the strength to change and become a better person. I have the will to go on, be the same person I was, etc. But I won't. I'm going to change, I will. I was evil before because Charles had given my signs that he liked myevilness at Hamlin. I guess I misread those signs. Then once I was evil, I couldn't change back to good because I liked the power. But now I don't. I hate it. So I'm going to do whatever I can to be good, nice, the way I was at Hamlin. I'll do whatever it takes to get Charles back.
I can't stand to be without him. I've never felt so pathetic, so alone and empty. I feel as though there's a part missing from me. I look at the faint scar on my left wrist, and feel the pain shoot through me. It doesn't remind me who I belong to as it did before, it reminds me the reason why I'm changing. So now I'm going to go through getting closer to my faith, keep all sharp objects away from me, have more control on my mind, and be a better person.
If only Charles could read the letter I'm putting up here....
Forgiveness, that's all I ask for. Counciling, for all that I've done. Bandages, for all the blood that I've lost. A new beginning, to start over. A second chance. You deserved more that I gave you. And I want to make it up to you, want to make things right. You probably don't even feel as bad as I do. After I ran home crying, that day, I swore to change. I'll do better. I'll become a better person than I was. I'll work to change, I'll treat you right. Once I've changed, please forgive me, let me show you that I was wrong. I really will change this time. I'm going through counciling, my family knows the secrets that I kept from them. My mom told me that there's a light at the end of this tunnel. I hope that light's a new beginning, and a second chance with the past behind. I can't stand to be without you, and I know that I did wrong. I would do anything to have you just forgive me. Even if it was to die at your hands. I am nothing without you, a soul lost in the world infront of me. But it was for the best, to lift the veil over my eyes that covered the truth. I'll do my best to change, to be everything that you needed. Whatever it takes, I want to be there for you, as a better person than I was. To be there with you, rather than turning my back on you. I loved you more than you could ever imagined, and want to keep loving you. And now with my broken heart, with nothing but you could repare, I go on to the road of repair. To fix the mistakes I made, and show you a newer me.
I love you, forever and for always, till the end of time and beyond...
Brittany Aguilar
 Vanilla Wolf · Wed Dec 14, 2005 @ 07:46pm · 2 Comments |
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