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It gets to the point where I am just beside myself. I feel so alone in this world. I'm too old for this s**t. I'm not some emo teenager. It's like I'm a garbage receptacle. Everyone throws all their bullshit at me. All the anger and sadness and hurt, bitterness and hate and troubles, all dumped into my lap. I take the pieces and put them back together and send them away, more whole than when they showed up. All the while, I'm disentegrating. And nobody even notices. Just once, one ******** time, I would like for soemone to hold me, take care of me, put ME back together and send ME away feeling better than I felt when I shoed up. I don't know when I decided or when the world decided that I was less important. To be honest, I don't know how to change it. It may be too late at this point. Perhaps I've given too much of myself away to ever be whole again. I'm tired. I'm so tired of being the strong one, the smart one, the kind one, the giving one. I'd like to be selfish for just one day. I'd like to be rude and mean and thoughtless, nosy and insufferable, interfering and self absorbed. I see these things earning others the things that they want. They are well liked and befriended. I have to fight and struggle for every ounce of friendship that I am graced with. Then I feel selfish and greedy for wanting so much from anyone. How can I be anything other than what I am, though?

People, for the most part, don't even bother to get to know me or anything about me or what's important to me. All I want, all I need, is one or two friends. People that will listen when they are done talking. I'm not looking for romance or sex or anything else. I just need someone that can understand, is willing to be there and is willing to witness the darker side. Everyone wants the bright, loving, sweet, kind, generous, quirky, crazy side. But when the clouds roll in and the skies open up on a torrential downpour, I find myself alone, miserable and wet, cold and silent. Once they have what they want or what they need, I am left alone to fend for myself, heart hurting, unable to bring myself to ask for help, probably out of a fear that nobody will answer.

Would anyone realize I was gone, were I to leave?

Understand this: I know that there are bright spots, and peole that care. This is the culmination of many hurt feelings and having been used and dropped like so much refuse over and over again. I just feel like I'm drowning. This is not directed at anyone in particular nor do I fail to realize that there are friends and people that care. I don not take friends for granted. I just have sudh a hard time talking about my problems, burdening others with my issues....

So here is my answer....an outpouring of negative emotions and self pity. Maybe someone will see it and maybe no one will see it.

Maybe, some day, someone will see me.