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I know I shouldn't let it bother me, but in reality, it really, really does.
Not one thing, not two things, but a lot of things.
...
I've been doing my damnedest to ignore it. I've been doing my damnedest to just pretend that everything's alright, and that I'm in a cheery, sunny mood as usual, because I don't want people to worry, and I certainly don't want to seem like I'm vying for attention, when there are other important things to pay attention to.
...
Come to think of it, I'm actually having second thoughts on writing this. Sad, isn't it? It's my journal, I shouldn't want to think about not writing in it. It's just the idea of someone reading it besides me bothers me, but by that same token, if I make it private, then what point will there have been?
In any case, there's a number of things on my mind that I want to sort out into words, but... I'm unsure how... I guess I should just take them subject by subject.
School.
It's not anyone's fault that I can't go to college this semester. We didn't have the money. I understand that, and I don't feel bitter toward my parents, or anyone involved. One can't help but feel a bit put off, however, when school time starts rolling back in, and everyone starts getting school supplies, school clothes, heading off to their dorms for the year, meanwhile I'm stuck here. I feel selfish as hell for feeling that way, since like I said, it's no one's fault.
We had about... $500 to our name, when it came time for us to talk about my schooling this semester. I know mom was stressed out about it, and was going to tell me the inevitable, so I simply volunteered it myself.
"I don't need to go this semester, mom. I understand."
And I do understand. I really, really do. Honestly, I'm not even sure why I should be looking forward to school, as much as I half a** it. Perhaps it's because I feel like, this semester, I wouldn't have any distractions...
Which leads to part two of this WAAAAHMBULANCE journal...
Nick.
I'm scared. I'm scared of losing him. I'm afraid of what's gonna happen once he transfers schools and starts coming down here. Yeah, sure, he'll only be an hour and a half away, as opposed to being six hours away, but honestly, I'm not really sure what good it'll do, if I can't get out there to see him ever.
His school schedule has worked against us. We'll have almost no time to talk, and in very little privacy, on top of that. I know I need to be a big girl, and let it happen, but I just feel like being the whiny, clingy, person in this instance, because I feel like in all senses of the word, Nick is all I've got.
Segwaying from that to the next point, my friends.
Or, rather, what's left of them.
We used to be a set of trouble makers. All through this year, we'd hang out just about every weekend we could manage it. Kuya, Kyoku, Senni, and Chris, the five of us piled into a car, causing trouble and going wherever the hell we wanted (usually Senni's house) and doing whatever the hell we wanted (hanging at Senni's house).
But now, things have happened. Chris isn't a part of our happy group anymore, which has Senni really down. She's been working a lot, and thus I haven't gotten to see her in a while.
And I honestly have no flipping clue what's up with Kyoku. Really. I guess it's not too hard to figure. People get sick of me eventually. They always do. It's a fact of life I need to come to terms with, but from Kyoku, it hurts doubly hard. I just wish I knew how to make the situation go away, and to make everything go back to normal... Unfortunately, any attempts I've made have been relatively brushed off with a one word response, or a "You're too dramatic." No, I don't think I am. And if you think I am, then at least, AT LEAST give me a proper reason for why you think that way, when all I'm doing is trying to sort out the problem in a diplomatic way.
I guess everyone's got an opinion, though.
I've decided to let it go, but at the same time, this rift in friendship between us worries me even more, since Kyoku and Nick are going to be rooming together.
Actually, I don't want to dwell on that...
Kuya is the only IRL friend that I keep in steady contact with, even if it is just over AIM and Mabinogi. I talk to Allegra frequently there, as well, but I never really hung out with her or saw her much outside the internet, regardless, though I like her a lot. She's a really cool kid.
...
*sigh*
So, I've felt... Lonely, for lack of a more fitting word. I used to have a social life outside of the internet, not that I don't love all of my online friends, because I definitely do, but... It's not the same as being physically around someone, going and doing things.
My mom has noticed, I figure, because she's been dragging me out of the house with her every chance she gets. I appreciate the sentiment, and I love her dearly, but she's not the same as my friends. I can't talk to her in the same way. I can't joke with her in the same way, because she doesn't have the same quirky sense of humor we do, or rather, did.
...
I sit up at night, wondering what I'm going to do with my life from here on out. And honestly, I have no idea. It scares me to think about where I'm going to be. I don't want to turn into some hermit who never leaves the house, and never talks to anyone outside of an IM box or a keyboard...
Maybe things will take a turn in the right direction... who knows?
I need to be strong and just work through these things. I don't like looking like I'm someone who's weak, or has a bunch of emotional baggage coming along with her. I don't enjoy complaining. I'd rather listen than b***h.
...
But I guess it did feel good to get this off my chest.
 ratpeets · Fri Aug 07, 2009 @ 06:45pm · 1 Comments |
