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GUZUGUZU
GUZUGUZU FOR YOUZU
Poem-older
Sleuth

These are unbearably empty moth lights.
These are kept in a box 4X4 with plant life no people.
Like water globes
In ant hills
With fire in the arteries of the killer.

These are more changing than and as un-multi-optional as stop lights.
Leg spasms
Closed doors
And lemon orgasms.

They are paper mache wanting to be paper cranes:
At the point when you most want color, you reject it.
Re-live it.

Get bent.

Get me out of this hole.
I have very little talent,
Hiding in trees all day, passionately in lust,
Clouds in the sockets.
Someone must have hurt me.
Someone stopped me, and held out their hands.
There were purple and gold beetles in one,
And more money than the Milky Way in the other.

I took the beetles, married and ate them.






User Comments: [2] [add]
Harwhal
Community Member
avatar
commentCommented on: Mon Aug 24, 2009 @ 01:29am
I'm c/c Sleuth first!

"These are unbearably empty moth lights.
These are kept in a box 4X4"
That part is magical. the use of "these" was perfect because it makes what the narrator's talking about seem really specific to the reader.

"With fire in the arteries of the killer."
this part confused me a little bit--i feel like using the word "killer" is a bit arbitrary. maybe if you could explain it to me?

"than and as" slides wonderfully across my tongue!
"un-multi-optional" was effective because the letters "n" and "m" melt together, and multioptional could sound like one word--which you follow by using "stop lights" pretty contrast

"And lemon orgasms."
I was confused about the lemon part....i imagined fanfics and stuff, and that brought a kind of cheaper dimension to the poem which bothered me.

"They are paper mache wanting to be paper cranes"
YES YES YES this is so deep and poetic. and it makes me really think!

"I have very little talent,"
This line really stuck out to me. It was a little too self-deprecatory for my liking, and it seemed like it came out of no where.

From here on:
"Someone must have hurt me.
Someone stopped me, and held out their hands.
There were purple and gold beetles in one,
And more money than the Milky Way in the other.

I took the beetles, married and ate them."
heart


commentCommented on: Mon Aug 24, 2009 @ 03:01am
Primitive Soup For Liars...
was really powerful.
it pains me to read through it because it reminds me of my childhood.
the "slut" at the end as an accusation is very effective, and makes me feel guilty--because we all are, in some way.
and the way the words were cut up made sense for the sounds cute thing. when it was actually very mature and realistic.

there are parts that are confusing. but i think those are the parts that are specific to you, as a poet. so it does not really bother me that much.

your work is awe-some. not awesome in the modern slang way.
but truly awe-some.



Harwhal
Community Member
User Comments: [2] [add]
 
 
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