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If you want to be popular, successful and beloved at your school, there's only one thing you need: charisma. However, since you probably don't have that, an easy thing to fall back on is having a great nickname.

A nickname not only makes you sound cool and socially well-established, it can also turn any story about you from a lame story into an awesome one. Behold the following example.

First, let's try a conversation without a nickname:


Classmate #1: Hey, did you hear Doug dropped his pants in calculus yesterday?
Classmate #2: Eew, what a weirdo.

Now, let's note the subtle difference in tone achieved by having a spectacular nickname, like, for example, "Bloach."


Classmate #1: Hey, did you hear Bloach dropped his pants in calculus yesterday?
Classmate #2: Hell yeah! That's classic Bloach for you. That dude is always ON!

Getting a good nickname is like trying to catch a wild squirrel: you can't just run up and grab one, or you'll get bitten and catch the bubonic plague and wind up with a nickname like "Plaguey"; instead, you have to hold still and wait patiently for one to come to you. A nickname is something that's gotta happen on its own-- if it looks like you're trying, you'll never get it. The trick is to subtly but firmly guide the nicknaming process toward a favorable outcome.

For a little advice, let's turn to some of your friends from the Gaia world. So, beloved NPCs, what was your nickname in high school?


Ian: Ugh, yeah. Nicknames. Believe me, the easiest way to get one that sticks is to do something really embarrassing, like show up with the flu and puke in class. It happened to me, and everyone called me "Horkules" for the next three years. Even the teachers.





Josie: Eew, the same thing happened to me. I threw up in science class when I got food poisoning from cafeteria fish sticks, then everyone started calling me "Barferella." My mom still calls me that.





Liam: This one time I was partying pretty hard the night before a big test, and-- hey, wait a sec, dudes, did any of us not get a nickname from puking in class? Mine was "Duke of Hurl."





Moira: Yep. Me too. Stomach flu in trigonometry. "Pukeahontas."






Edmund: Goodness, I haven't thought about this in twenty years. Yes, I seem to recall getting sick in my chemistry class from accidentally eating some pure magnesium and then trying to surreptitiously vomit down my sleeve so nobody would see, but it didn't work so well, and then everyone called me "Throwing Up Boy" for the rest of the semester. Uh, kids weren't too creative with nicknames back in those days.


Holy crap, do any of you have nicknames that aren't related to throwing up?


Agatha: Oh, my, yes! All my school friends called me "Birdie," because I ate my food in tiny little bites and bobbed my head a lot as I walked. Come to think of it, I think they were making fun of me... but at least it wasn't from throwing up in class, I suppose.





Devin: I've got one! Yeah, back in my junior year I did this challenge where I tried to drink a gallon of milk in ten minutes, and I wound up hurling all over the... oh, wait, I guess this is technically another puke story. Sorry. They called me "Sir Chunksalot." That's when I became a vegan.




I give up! If you have any slightly less useless advice about scoring a great nickname, please share it here-- goodness knows all this advice has been totally without merit, so hopefully you can top it. Or we can just talk about puking at school, because, hey, it happens to all of us.