Wow, I guess I really let this place go. Its been a while... things have changed, I am not who I once was.
There was a time where I still thought about him and wondered when it would stop. I just figured it would stop on its own one day. I suppose I just had to be ready to forget him. I guess I am.
I don't hardly think of him ever anymore, and if I do the thought was triggered by some happening related to a memory. But if I never saw him again, I would be just fine with that. The pictures are gone now, but not the memories. Those will have to fade over time. I'm sure he's long forgotten me by now. Its a good thing and I bid him goodbye, thanks for the ride, and have a nice life. And also, sorry man, hope you can at least forgive me for the past. Don't die hating me, its not worth your time.
I still think about the other one though. Only, it is different. It is not the slight longing or wondering, no it is hate and anger and vengance. He will be harder to forget because he hurt me. I keep waiting for the day where I stop thinking of him, too, like I have the first. Who thought it would be harder to forget the one you hate then the one you loved, maybe I'm just wired differently. But there is seldom a day that goes by where I don't scorn his name or wish for him to be caught on fire and die miserably. There is hardly a night where I don't think of movie-style ways to torture and kill him and get away with it. I can only hope I scarred him as much as he scarred me.
I will not always love the first, Joel is wrong. I haven't loved him for a long time. He doesn't have a place in my heart anymore. It doesn't even feel like he was there in the first place. My heart is completely embodied by Joel. But the second, he I never loved and will always hate. The day of his death will be a day of victory for me. Have your opinions of me for that, its your right. But it is true, I will laugh and smile when I read his obituary. He is a useless human being that has no purpose in this world.
LittleIrishGirl · Sun Oct 25, 2009 @ 08:11pm · 0 Comments |