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Life Isn't What its Supposed to Be |
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Life isn't what I want it to be. This time last year, I was high on the newly-found love from Joel. Nothing could bring me down. But the mist has worn off and I feel like I've become a disappointment for him. I don't know how to be new to him again. It doesn't seem like I make him as happy as I used to, and I'm sure I don't. Why I thought that fairytale would last, I don't know. He just seemed like he cared so much, like he'd take me away somewhere nice and we'd never have to worry again. But that's not what happened and I shouldn't be surprised. Now, its more like he's pushing me away, like he's scared to do anything with his life. I worry about him a lot, I worry that when he is able to find a good job that he won't want to move in or go any further with me out of fear, and that scares me. Joel was the only thing in my life that I was confident would never change or leave. But after out little break up at Halloween time, that lifeline I had isn't there anymore. I always knew that nothing is ever permanent and only diamonds are forever (lol), but it hits hard when things actually fall apart. Knowing they can and actually going through it are two different things. After that shake up, I haven't been able to shake the feeling of deep fear that he won't always be there for me and that one day, I might still end up alone. Its sad, I already have plans for if he leaves again.
Life sucks a**. Too many bills, not enough money. Too few hours in the day. I feel strung way out trying to find time to take care of the things that need to be done on a daily basis and spending time with Joel. Then, I end up working so hard and getting spread so thin only to have it thrown back in my face. I thought he said he’d talk to me about things before they really started to bother him. I guess he’s still learning that. I keep falling apart in my mind and its skewing my perception of reality. I can’t think right anymore, I can’t figure out what’s real, what’s truth, or who’s lying to me. I got in trouble at work finally, so now I have to shape up. I had spent a lot of time freaking out over auto insurance but that’s over now. Now, there’s a big empty space in my mind where all that worry had been and I’m not sure what to do with it. I’m just kinda standing here, in this big open field, going “where’d all the cars go? Where’s the streets and buildings and bustle?” So the walls kinda cave in some because they’ve got nothing to lean against and everything on the other side of the walls shift around. I haven’t taken the time to order everything so that I can handle it because its easier and safer to just spend time with Joel and not think about anything at all. That doesn’t help because the problems and fears are still there.
I know what I want life to be like. I what Joel to have found a job and call my place home too and be happy with me there. I want him to stop being so scared, I want him to sleep well and smile a lot. I want him to love me as much as he loves his family. I’m waiting for the calm after the storm, the quiet after all the debris finally falls back to earth and stays there. I look forward to coming home to Joel, or Joel coming home to me and the dinner I’ve made for him. I want some sort of stability in my life, not this chaos of being so young.
Being young… understatement of the year. I want to marry Joel one day, but not really any time too soon. We argued over something stupid a few nights ago and I just stood there and looked at him, looked at what we were arguing about and thought to myself, “we are so very young.” We are. What can I say? And it hit hard, brought me back to some sort of reality for a moment. It was good for me. I had been all caught up over that subject because of some friends around me all getting far too serious for our ages. At first I wanted it too but at that moment, I realized that would be the worst mistake I could ever make. I’ll let them make it, but Joel is too important to me for that. Haste makes waste, right? And this coming from the girl who must have things NOW. Waiting is something I loath. But that… That is too precious to me to risk wrecking in such a stupid, young way. And there’s no saying that they won’t make it, sure. But there isn’t a very good chance of it as statistics go. I have the time to wait for that so this time, I would rather take it. When I get married, I want to be different then I am today. I want to have my ducks in a row, I want my peace of mind. I want the skill if being calm. I’m just too young still, that stuff is too heavy for me right now. I couldn’t handle it. Joel will know when it’s a good time, he’ll be able to see when I’ve smoothed out and stopping being so neurotic. Then its really up to him and from here on out, the thought is going to be at the back of my mind.
I finally hit a depression again. I’m sure I’ve been here longer than I think, but only recently did I let myself know about it. I’m living in a house of mirrors, believing distorted images that aren’t true of my life just to get by. Its time I own up to what’s wrong before it ruins other aspects of my life. Keeping my eyes shut isn’t as important to me as keeping my job, properly being a girlfriend to Joel, and staying sane. This has helped, writing usually does. Means I don’t have to worry about forgetting things because its all right here if I ever need it.
I don’t think its as bad as I see it, I’m just a little crazy right now. However, I do think the calm has begun now that I’ve done this. I had a good, quiet weekend. I was sick so I felt bad that I wasn’t exactly the life of the party, but what can I do. Oh well, it’s a new year why not, and a new me perhaps? We’ll see. The only goal I have for this year is Joel - new job and moved. Beyond that is up to the times.
Its Sunday, I guess I just keep thinking more and more. I realized something, that I always want Joel to come to me with anything he needs. I want him to tell me when I’ve done something wrong. Yet I fear that I can’t do that with him. I’m scared that if I have a problem with something he did that he’ll act like I’m the bad guy like he has been the last few times. I mean when I was sick and missed work, he left. I would have stayed and taken care of him but he left me there by myself real sick and I was upset he didn’t offer to stay and take care of me since he never has before. It seems like he’s more selfish lately, more defensive. I’m scared that I can’t go to him anymore with anything for fear of him getting mad at me and I don’t want him to leave me because of something like that. I guess I don’t really know where I stand with him anymore or how important I am to him. I ask but he just sits there and looks at me like I did something wrong.
 LittleIrishGirl · Sun Jan 03, 2010 @ 05:57pm · 0 Comments |
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