Today was my one year anniversary to my love, and my best friend. It has been a tough year for both of us, physically mentally and most of all emotionally. We fought on several ocassions, and it was mostly my fault, but in the end we were in one another's arms. She is so special and sometimes I really just feel like compared to her I am trash, like I don't deserve her. That is probably the way a lot of people feel, but I wish she could see what I see. See how brilliant she is, how beautiful and talented. The rest of us just do the best we can to get by, you know? I would say that I am the artist in the relationship, but not really. I just do the best I can too and I am glad she puts up with me through all of it. I am damn lucky to have someone like her in my life and I know that, I have always known that.
I wonder, to those of you besides her that might be reading this, do you really have any idea how hard it is to be with someone so far away? To love them so completely that with a word they could destroy everything that you have known for so long to be true? To need them so desperatly that sometimes all you can do at night is curl up and cry. I didn't think so, and I don't blame you. I am so tired of looking at this avatar, seeing her smile when all I want to do is cry. I wish that she was as ugly as I felt inside, so maybe when all of you look at it and think "Oh, she must be a nice, happy girl" you will instead know the truth for once. I'm not some happy angel, I am not some great humanitarian or even really a nice person when you get down to it. Maybe I just want others to like me on some level, ******** if I know. *lays my head in my hands and closes my eyes*
I am not happy at all, the only thing in this world that can make me happy is over a thousand miles away and sometimes so far away that the distant stars seem like my own porchlight by comparison. She is all I want, and you know what my new years resolution was? I told her that by Christmas 06 I would be with her. You know how mucht hat scares me? To say that and want that and make another promise that I want so desperately to keep... *cries a little, trembling* I am doing my best but is it enough? Love is all I've got to keep me going, and it hurts so much sometimes that I don't even want to sleep because I am afraid that she will need me and I won't be able to be there...
I am so sorry... I will shut up now...
Sakura Eladrin Community Member 
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Community Member