Mmm, yup.
I've realized something.
I've been denying everything. Denying the same things that happened before I went to the hospital, and the new things that have arrose within the last few months. When I really sit down and take a good look at myself, I don't like what I see.
I feel... wrong. I feel like I'm trapped inside my own body, while someone else is taking it for a joy ride. I can't control my emotions. I can't control my actions. Within the last twenty four hours, I've broken down and started crying over fifteen times. That doesn't seem very good to me. I can't concentrate. Even typing this is difficult. The letters seem out of place on the keyboard. Almost like they've moved from the last time I've had access to a computer.
I don't feel very attached to reality. This feels like a dream. Or, rather, a nightmare that I can't escape.
The voices are quite pestering. I was trying to have a nap this afternoon. I have a strict schedule as to what I do during the day. But it was messed up. I couldn't sleep beause someone said, and I'm not sure as to who, "If you fall asleep I'm going to scream at you to wake up." I waited a few moments, and she said something again. I don't remember what, though. They don't leave me alone. Ever.
Fudge.
I lost my train of thought.
Err...
Oh! There we go.
I look at an object an divise an unnecessarily complicated plan to commit suicide. I swore to someone I wouldn't hurt myself again. But I can't help it. It's an addiction I can't get away from. It comes to haunmt me everytime I look at something. It doesn't matter what it is. If you can hurt yourself with it, I want to. I don't know if that considers me a danger to myself or what..
So many things have started to bug me. When I draw a circle, I keep drawing one until it's as close to perfect as I can get. My lines HAVE to be straight (I was looking at my arm, and saw one of the scars was askew a tad bit, and it pissed me off to the point where I started picking at my arm like it would make it straight). My schedule has to be the same. Everyday. School, come home, talk, take a nap while listening to 102.7, talk while taking the nap, get up and eat dinner, go back in my room and sit in my chair for at leat an hour while drawing, make sure the radio is on, go over to bed, lay down until I sleep. Repeat.
I'm too paranoid. I feel like I can't trust anyone. It's like they all want to get into my head, to get to know me so they know how to hurt me. Tyler's told me he would never do that, that he loves me no matter what, but... I don't know... I just don't know... I don't want to be touched, I don't want anyone near me, but, at the same time, I want him to hold me, to make all my troubles go away. I just... I don't know.. I'm sorry.
I've been sitting in my room, all day, either crying or arguing with myself. Then, as quickly as it started, it stops, and I'm fine and dandy. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't tell my mom. I can't tell my therapist or psychiatrist. I've told one person, and it tears me up to know I worry them as much as I do. I can't stand the thought of someone worrying about someone like me. All I ever do is cause people pain. I shouldn't be loved as much as I am. I just don't know what to do. I can't take feeling like this.
I don't know if being off my medication did this, but I know that when I was taking it, it wasn't doing anything.
I just don't know what I'm supposed to do..
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Um....
Nothing special.
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Cainamohpmyn
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