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Just Say It / Just For Now (Because someone better shut up) |
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Just say it's over, all we've become / Just say it's time to lessen the sum / To tear down the bridge and build a divide / Erase all the memories drawn inside / . . . / Say all that I'm feeling won't come undone
It's that time of year, / Leave all our hopelessnesses aside (if just for a little while) / Tears stop right here, / I know we've all had a bumpy ride (I’m secretly on your side) / Lie down / Deep breaths / Count to ten / Nod your head / (sniff sniff) /I think something is burning, / Now you've ruined the whole thing
It's December again and I can't stop crying. My message this time is on if it is better to speak or shut up. At the moment, I believe silence is what I should do, because everything I do comes out wrong.
I have this friend, and once when I said she was "nodding off" she got snappy. As I was trying to explain that it was because she looked like she was nodding she snapped at me. So in a huff I grab my bag and leave the class, don't say a word more because it won't get heard.
When she asks me why I am angry in during next period as we travel to the computer bag (and stop reading if you don't understand my anger), I snap and yell at her. Then she gets upset that I didn't just say I am angry at her for not letting me speak in the period before (stop reading if you don't understand how hard it is to say something like that). So I write this nice little thing with all my frustrations, anger, and how I know things need to change but I can't change them myself.
Now we get to the real killer part. I am a slightly snarky person, I say things I don't always mean. Or if I do mean it, and I have a way of things, I want to let it be known.
So, we are at church. It's all "Welcome Home [my dad]" but nothing for my sister. So I want to leave coffee hour early. However, I was not going to deny anyone the pleasure of seeing my sister, so I was going to take her out the front door. This upset Mom, but I knew it was all going to be for my Dad and it would kind of make my sister feel like chopped liver. But We didn't leave because Mom got That voice. The one that says "Why couldn't I have had a better daughter?". And it was just how I thought it would be.
So then we come to today. Mom comes in and asks one of us to load the dishwasher. Now, I only have one working foot so even unloading the washer is a painful event but I will do that. So I ask Jo to do it. She doesn't. Dad calls, talks to Mom, and Mom says something to the effect that she has to clean the kitchen since her daughters won't do it. I tell Jo again, because I unload the dishwasher (and it had been unloaded that day which she should know since she has been home). Mom gets off the phone and gets her Voice again and says "If you two wont stop fighting, I'll do it." Then my sister blames me.
So now I wonder if I should just cut out my tounge, like what happens to the sparrow in Shitakiri-suzume, beause everything I say comes out wrong. Or maybe it is just the fact that I am speaking is wrong.
I hate to pretend but who can I go to? Words, even written, are failing me, and I am losing my voice to my own hate of the reaction it causes.
Just Saying that Just For Now I should probably shut up.
Silence is a serious option
Tanith Tainted Her Own Hope.
 Tanith Tainted Hope · Tue Dec 15, 2009 @ 03:00am · 0 Comments |
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