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Changeing
Military, Change, Future, Past, Transformation
Introduction

Anthony was just getting done writing a letter for his wife before lights out and he was completely and uterly disturbed from what his general had told him to do the day before it was a big demand. He felt as if it was a inhumain thing to do. The general asked him to ransack a urban Irainan home and kill the insurgents to be they are only seven years to nine years old. Answer him this, how can you go through with such a task. Anthony has dreamnt about the mission for days now but hasn't relized how bad of thing it is. Anthony used to hate every body that he look at and talked trash to every one before he went through his teen age years and started to become an adult and relized what he had done for years after he met his friend Roemello and got the girls to like him was all a hox, and it wasn't a good life unless you have someone or something to enjoy it with. He had relized that, to become the guy he wanted to be was to change, and once that happened he got to this point in time where his life had started to spiral out into a constint orbit of chaos.





JSR Da Beat
Community Member
JSR Da Beat
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  • 01/03/10 to 12/27/09 (7)

  • User Comments: [4]
    x_lHoLLoWl_x
    Community Member





    Wed Dec 30, 2009 @ 07:57am


    Nice intro. Im not a military fan but I'd read it. :]
    Tip: Capitalize Roemello


    AgentNeeb
    Community Member





    Wed Dec 30, 2009 @ 10:36am


    Protip: Use a goddamn spellcheck. I almost wanted to stop reading when you misspelled "disturbed".

    Protip 2: Punctuation matters as much as spelling. If you have a run-on sentence like this one here:

    Quote:
    Anthony was just getting done writing a letter for his wife before lights out and he was completely and uterly destirbed from what his general had told him to do the day before it was a big demand.


    Fix it. It should, honestly look more like this:

    Quote:
    Anthony was just getting done writing a letter for his wife before lights out. He was completely and utterly disturbed by what his sergeant had told him to do the day before.


    Firstly, notice the break in the run-on sentence. Nice, right? Makes it look better. Secondly, notice the changes of the spelling of some words, and the omission of a few others. Makes it easier to read.

    Next, I had the problem of you using the word general. I don't know much about military procedure, but it appears you know a lot less. Generals are hardly ever out in the field. In fact, they're never out in the field with their soldiers. You know who you have on the field with a squad? Colonels, sergeants, and other officers.

    Granted most of my military knowledge comes from movies and video games, but have you ever played Halo? Who was the higher-ranking kickass dude helping Master Chief out? SERGEANT Johnson.

    Before you really start to push these online, please, for the love of God, do a little bit of research. And take a spelling course in school, buddy. And also make sure you pay attention in English class.


    i-CYR
    Community Member





    Wed Dec 30, 2009 @ 10:16pm


    Yay keep writting(typing)
    I wanna read more



    Haha never thought I'd be sayin' that


    JSR Da Beat
    Community Member





    Wed Dec 30, 2009 @ 11:17pm


    general leads it all and it was 2 in the morning over where i live and i decided to write about something so yea but i am an excellent writer i wrote my first book in 5th grade as well as in 6th it was a continous story as this will be i am only a 9th grader with a emotional problem so i dont expect to be a pro any time soon i dont want to be a writer just it is a hobby thanks for the tips though i dont need them


    User Comments: [4]
     
     
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