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I didn't write either of these I found them on a random venture throughout Gaia

In Russia, coffin has pipe for air, and bell with string. If man is true Soviet,
he does not die. When buried, yells for undertaker and rings bell.
Bell rings. Is no wind.
Undertaker asks - "Are you lady Gorbochev?"
Voice says "Yes!"
"Born winter of 1927?"
"Yes!"
"Gravestone says 'Died 20 February, 1957"
"Niet, am still living!"
"Am sorry, but is August. In June, ground will thaw. You must wait for June."

And woman is true Soviet, waits for June.

----------------

A man was walking down a city street in the middle of the night headed home from work,
when he suddenly saw a dark object coming toward him.

He squinted down the road and saw that it was a sarcouphagus, closing in on him, as it screeched along the road.

SCREE SCREE

The man turned and fled, as he heard the scrape getting faster.

SCREEE SCREE SCREEE

He ran as fast as he could to his house, the
screech getting louder

SCREEE SCREEE SCREEEE

He bolted into his house. The coffin was still after him! It tore through the door
as he dashed up the stairs and into his bathroom.

He heard the coffin ascending the stairs. Panicked, he grabbed a bottle of Robotussin and hurled it at the coffin.

The coffin stopped.

LOL WUT?