For the last two or three weeks, I've been feeling depressed and closed in. I've been so tense that my muscles ache when I wake up every morning and despite the fact that things seem to be going relatively well for me, I keep staring past it, waiting for something to tear it away. I have my car paid off, I start school on Tuesday, and I have a wonderful boyfriend, and I should have my own place by no later than June...but then I begin to look past it. My car needs repairs, my school is two hours away, my grandparents don't know that I have a boyfriend; much less the fact that he's 32, unemployed, black, and has two kids. Oh, and a prison record. But he makes me happy.
And then there's the moving and the squabbling between me and my
grandparents, especially my gran. I love them both very dearly, but it seems like lately I'm only happy when I'm away from home. Like its the only time I can breathe without wanting to scream.
But eventually you run out of friends. Eventually, you run out of places you can go at midnight and be welcome. Eventually, the stores close and you just drive alone, fighting back the tears that you feel you deserve. And this is my problem. I guess you could call me immature or even stupid but...I feel lonely. I feel like no one's there. And I don't even know who or what the hell I'm searching for...but I don't want to go home. It's affecting everything I do. How I treat people, how I sleep, even my writing and drawing. I don't know what to do...I'm tired of crying and running away, but what else can I do?
Len Gray Community Member 
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