I hate trying to title these things so I've decided that now I want to just date them. It's easier, and I don't know why I never thought of it before! Haha.
Well anyways, I likd of like divulging all of my interpersonal thoughts onto the Internet for the whole world, or at least my friendlist, to see! Which reminds me, if I have between 100 and 300 hits on each entry, WHY do practically none of them have comments?! I suppose it's fair though, I read journals but never comment on them either, so I guess i'm not one to speak.
Anyways again. Onto the actual substance of my journal today.
Space I usually just type whatever i'm thinking about when i'm in a certain mood. I tend to sound much more intelligent when i'm angry or bitter too, I've noticed. So now, i'm not in a bad mood or anything. Just kind of contemplative. I want to get things off oc my chest, but I've got no one whose willing to listen to me. So, I figure i'll just type and type until I feel better about the things i'm thinking about.
[[I'm sticking with initials.]]
Space First off, confusion. It's the number one thing on my mind, and it's the most recurring thought as well. I have a lot of... "love interests". A lot that i'm not interested in. First, we have DS who wants to be my boyfriend since he's heard that i'm now single. He's been trying to get in my pants for like... The last two years or some s**t. But i'm not and never have been interested. I'm not interested in those I feel are less intelligent than I am. I like having intellectual conversations, which is something he simply cannot to. That's a HUGE turnoff for me. He's also younger than me by about a year, which as ***** as I am, is also a turnoff.
Space Second, we have EP. He's a nice kid, but even younger than DS, turnoff number one. He's also very different from me, so much so that we really don't mesh very well aside from being able to converse about things well. He's very game-oriented, and i'm not. He likes music that I hate and has an unhealthy obsession with cars that's a tad bit creepy. He's immature and spends all the money he makes on trivial things. I understand that he's still a kid, but that's just not my bag.
Space Third, we have WD. He's a great guy. He's the first guy I ever dated, back in high school or something. I haven't seen him in five years and then he just pops back into the picture one day, managing to take me by complete surprise. He's older than me, taller than me, and stronger than me by a LONGshot. Three things i'm looking for.
Space WD is the one whose causing me the real confusion though. He's someone whose good for me. He's got a car, a job, and all of that good whatnot so he's on his feet and doing his own thing and that's great! But, he smokes, and i'm deathly allergic. I can't tolerate that. He said he'd quite for me though, which is nice even if I don't believe him. But the real confusion is this:
He kissed me. Yeah that's cool, whatever blah blah blah. But it didn't feel right. It felt wrong, and even though it was nice and all, I didn't get the feeling.
Space The feeling? You're thinking, "What's 'the feeling'?" The feeling is pure torture. It is the absolute best thing you can ever experience, and I strongly believe that the feeling is what determines who "the One" is. The feeling is indescribable. The feeling is magic. The feeling is good. It is love. It is everything. And you know it when you feel the feeling. The feeling comes from a touch, a kiss, even a glance. It gives you butterflies and makes you feel like the world is right. It is good. But it's hell when you can't have it. The feeling, dangling like a carrot in your face. It's hell when you lose it because then it consumes you. It's all you think about, and all you want. You try and try so desperately to recreate the feeling with someone else. But it simply cannot happen. The feeling makes you feel so good when it's there, and makes you hurt so bad when it's gone. It's something you must feel to believe such a thing even exists.
--That is the best way to describe the feeling, and those of you who've felt it know exactly what I speak of.--Space With WD, I didn't have that feeling. It did feel good for him to be around. He was protective and vaguely forceful, he's caring and gentle, and he's funny and he likes me. He fits almost all of my criteria. But he's also kind of judgemental in a subjective and undertoned way. He put me down and disguised it with caring suggestions. I do agree with what he said, but it seems like he doesn't respect the fact that I like myself as I am. He wanted me to change my physical self, and while I agree and understand, the point is that I should change only if I want to and only for myself. I don't want to change because he wants me changed, and I found that insulting. But he disguised that put-down by suggesting ways in which I could change, and I didn't even realize what happened until after he'd already left. But none of that is even important at all. The only thing that is important to me is that the feeling wasn't there. If it was, the fact that he wants me to change wouldn't even be relevant. I wouldn't see his faults if that feeling was there. But it wasn't.
Space The second half of my confusion is that I have experienced that feeling, and now it is gone. And I don't know if it's for better or for worse. It is for better in the following: The person I was with (1) disrespected me and my choices, (2) judged me for things that I could and cannot control, (3) lied to me and broke my trust, and (4) seemed to never care about me at all. It felt like I was unimportant, like I wasn't family to him. Like I was a toy, an object. I was always the last person to know anything, and I was always the one person that he never had time for. I would try to tell him how I felt, and he would argue with me and say I was attacking him for no reason, being clingy and annoying. He would look at me like I was a lepur or a terrifying creature if I said I felt sick, or if I informed him of any of my "pre-existing" conditions (and/or) genetic defects. I'm just as healthy as any other person, but I have my own problems too. I sympathized with his issues and conditions, but mine made me a monster. If that isn't the case, that's how it felt. My style of clothing was uncool, my choice in music was bad, pretty much everything I liked sucked to him. Which was the same for me, in that aspect we were almost polar opposites. He likes Aeropostale, I like Tripp. He likes that girly pop music like Lady Gaga (transvestite), and I like Hardstyle/Rock music like HeadHunterz and HIM, respectively. He likes makeup and tanning, I (rarely) wear guyliner and i'm so pasty you can almost see through me. He likes cute, I like Dark and hardcore. We're opposites.
But opposites attract, don't they?Space But what's most important and makes all of that completely irrelevant is the feeling. Because with him, it was there. He would just look at me and it was enough to make me blush. We did have good times, watching anime and movies together and going for walks together. Having a few intellectual conversations. Just being there together, not even saying anything. That sort of stuff. Is it bad and unrealistic of me to want to have times like that?
What makes the most confusion for me is: Should I preserve the feeling? Should I follow that passion and try to keep it alive any longer? Or should I try to move on and... Settle... For what's best for me?
I don't know which to choose, or if I should choose one at all. I feel like I've pretty much ruined anything I had with the person I had the feeling with. I don't know how, I don't know how it got that way or what I did or what he did to make either of us so bitter. I don't know any of that, but I think that ruined it. I don't know if I should continue to try or if I should simply give up. Everyone has been telling me to give up on it, everyone. But something is making me hold on. I don't know what it is, but I think it's the feeling.
This is the one time in my life that I wish someone could really truly help me make the right choice. But I think the only one that can help me make that choice is that person who gave me the feeling.
But... His lack of action and general lack of caring is speaking to me in volumes. Yet. Something makes me wait, something makes me wait and wait for something to happen. I think the feeling is making me wait. Or is it fear?
Never moving forward so there will never be a past. Perhaps that's the case?
· Mon Aug 16, 2010 @ 06:16am · 1 Comments