Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

To feel pain is alright, is it not? To accept it with open arms is what is best. To take a few moments in your life and bleed is fine.

I'm hurt, I know it. And I'm looking for ways to cope. I've always been in pain, whether from others or from within. I smile. I laugh. I tell silly jokes. And yet I can face the pain with a face lacking in fear. I dare not reject it. Whether I like it or not, it is there. Ignoring it will only let it grow. When you accept it and bear its weight openly, it begins to heal. It's happened before, and now it happens again.

I saw her again today. It tore my heart anew. She caught my eye, and I stared for only a moment before I forced my gaze away. Too late; the tears threatened to come. My chest burned, and my throat clenched. I had to get away, and I did, calmly. I dared not look again, even when I stood close beside her just minutes later. Neither did she. I don't dare to guess her reasons. All I know is that it hurts. It hurts to not be seen, by choice especially. The memories come again, and I have to get away. I leave.

She has become the opposite of what I remember. Where once there was acceptance there is now rejection of that same acceptance. Always ignoring the bad things. I remember: "Today is a happy day. Later." And she turned her back as I was torn in two. Torn between hate and self-destruction. I couldn't not make that choice, and I could not grant her most selfish wish. And so I didn't move. To keep her from pain, I collapsed. And still, even then, she turned her back and laughed. "Today is a happy day." Because of her choice, it wasn't for me.

And now there is nothing where there once was everything. All that we stood to gain was thrown away. Am I the only one who cared? Who cares? Who ever will care? I don't know. And I am afraid. I embrace that fear, and learn.

Now, once again I look upon others, wondering what it would be like to be with them. I catch my self, see what I am becoming, and I am ashamed. I will not be that kind of man. I will remember, and I will cherish the time that we spent together as much as I can.

I don't know how long it will be before the time of realization comes for her. Realization of what her choice cost, if it ever comes at all. I imagine her living her life without ever seeing the pain she's caused. The ignorance of it all, I am once again caught between envy and shame. But I am not like her. I cannot look away and ignore what is there.

I am in pain. I am lonely. I am afraid.
She turns away and laughs.