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Part Two

Fast forward. I'm single. Not exactly looking for a relationship, but companionship is fine. I need someone to hang out with. I was feeling depressed from having to be home all the time, and I needed to get out of the house. So slowly, I start easing myself back into a world outside of what I had come to know. I hung out with some old friends that were willing to forgive me for ditching them for Ricky. Things eventually got too wild for me, and I was having a hard time getting back out of the life I had gone back into. I stopped hanging out with so many people. There were a few guys that showed interest in me, but only for one thing. I didn't care though. I didn't want to meet someone to bring home to Becca. I wasn't ready for a relationship, because I knew that I wasn't just looking for someone to make me happy, I would also have to find someone that could be a good father-figure to my daughter. I couldn't just bring anyone around Becca, a child needs stability. Even if I started dating someone, I planned on it being a long time before that guy met Becca.

I met Paul. I had never been treated better by any other guy. The thing I loved the most about him was the attention he gave me. It wasn't lust, it was love. He got me into holding hands again. He would poke me when I wasn't paying attention, just to let me know his mind was on me, and he had no other way to show it. I was always getting random kisses on my cheek, forehead, and hands. I'd glance at him and he'd give me a goofy smile that melted my heart. He gave me butterflies. I'd never had them so much and for so long. He always knew how to make me feel special. He would surprise me with something he knew I would like, even if it was something small like a Dr. Pepper that he picked up on his was to come get me. He knew how to tell when I was happy, sad, uncomfortable, overwhelmed. And he did what he could to help when I needed it, even if I didn't ask for it. He had a way of making me feel like the only person that mattered when we were in a room full of friends. He seemed proud of me, he'd put his arm around me like he was showing me off. And I loved his hugs so much, and it seemed like they would never end, and sometimes I didn't want them to. If we were sitting together, no matter where it was, most of the time I would feel him take my hand and play with it then hold it for a little while, and I never got tired of it. Even riding in the car he'd reach over and put his hand on mine when he didn't need both hands on the wheel.

Then, again, I got pregnant. This time I didn't try. This time I wasn't ready to settle down with this person, even though I knew that, unlike Ricky, I willingly would if I didn't feel thrown into it. I was scared more than anything, and I didn't know how Paul would react. I was at Walmart with him when I found out, and at first I didn't want to tell him. I cried in the bathroom stall for a few minutes and tried to regain composure, because I knew if I was too long he would know. My mind was conflicted the whole way to go to meet him. But I had to tell him the truth. He walked away from me, and when I needed someone to comfort me, for the first time in several months, I had to look to someone other than him. I'm not mad that he walked away. In a way I was glad, because I wasn't ready to face him. This wasn't the first challenge we had had thrown at us, but it was the most trying. I have to admit, he hasn't really treated me the same since.

Since then, I've felt in the back of my mind like he's only with me because of the baby. He still did some of the sweet things he used to do, and at points I was so confident that he still loved me for me, and not because he felt obligated. But little by little he pulled back. Yeah, there are promises that after the baby is born, we will get to do a lot of fun things, like go to King's Dominion and ride roller coasters til we are sick. But there are a lot of things I can't do now that have put a big strain on our relationship, which was really held together by how much fun we had with each other. We were strong this whole time because we had the ability to have fun together no matter what drama anyone else was trying to bring to the table. I understood him, and he understood me. I didn't hold anything against him, and he did the same for me. Now its different. When we go to concerts (just local bands so far) I can't stand up as much as usual, and I can't stay excited as long as he can, and he thinks I'm getting depressed, when really I'm just extremely tired. His old friends won't hang out with him anymore because of me. I never did anything bad to them, exactly the oposite, but they can't get over that I gave up the "party girl" to be "his girl". I get excited about the small things about the baby, and he is still getting used to the fact that, whether we wanted it or not, she's almost here.

I still love Paul with all my heart, but with all of my emotions out of control, I can't help but wonder if he still loves me the way he used to. Usually I could just tell by the way he acted around me and the things he did for me. But so much has changed, and he doesn't do those things for me anymore. So, I ask. He tells me he does, and I know its annoying when I ask, because I've had the same thing done to me a million times. But I just can't tell anymore. Usually I will get out of this mood I'm in, and I'll be alright after he has reassured me. But about a week ago when I felt like this, I asked him why he acted so different about me when I'm the same Amber, just with a baby in my belly. And he told me that sometimes I'm just not fun anymore. With our whole relationship being based on fun since the beginning, I felt like everything was falling apart after that comment, and I haven't been out of that mood since. I try to hide it, but I find myself crying about it at the weirdest times, because I'm so frustrated. I want to be the fun girl he fell in love with so many months ago. I want to enjoy things again the way I used to, and I want to be able to do all the things that I've had to give up to keep a healthy baby. Not once have I held her responsible for my misery, only me. I keep promising that things will be different after the baby is born, but I don't know how long after. I will spend a lot of time taking care of this child, that I don't know when we will be able to do the things we once did, or the things that we look forward to doing that we haven't gotten to do yet. I want the excitment back so bad, and I want my Paul back. The one that used to hold me at random times just because somehow he knew thats what I needed. I want the Paul back that didn't pull his hand away when I reached for it. I want the Paul back that gave me random kisses that were always accompanied by butterflies.

Yes, he has a job now. A very demanding job that keeps him tired all the time. But I don't want him to take me out all the time, I'm fine with just seeing him for a few hours before he goes to bed, just to watch tv or whatever else we can do that is relaxing, just so I can be near him. I don't even have to see him every day. I know he needs days to himself. I don't care if he doesn't buy me anything when he gets paid. I just want the small gestures back, the ones that remind me more than anything how he feels about me. I can't seem to get them anymore. They aren't exhausting, they don't take much energy. They just take a second of time to accomplish something big. But I can't seem to get them anymore, and I'm scared for the relationship I have with the most wonderful guy in the world. I was him back more than anything at this point, and no matter what I say to him, it seems to only push him farther away. I don't want him to be with me because he feels like he has to, I want him to be with me because he loves me and wants to be. I don't want second guesses. I want what I'm afraid is being taken away from me due to strain of the real world that doesn't have to be there. Yeah, we have responsibilities as a couple now, but I still want what we used to have. I never had much doubt that we were good together. And now I'm always guessing, and I don't want it to be like that anymore. I've told him what he has to do to reassure me, I'm just waiting to see if he understands how much I need it.

Small things remind me of how much I'm missing out on, and I'm trying to be as fun as possible. I want him to go out and have fun, and I want to be there, even though I can't enjoy it completely. I love seeing him happy, and I want him to associate me with that happiness as much as possible. But last night I got to see something that I missed, and it wasn't directed toward me. His smile, and the way he looked when he was enjoying my company, but it wasn't while he was looking at me. I was surprised how hard it hit me, and I haven't stopped thinking about it since. Every one we were around noticed how upset I was, including him. And he just pushes it off as my pregnant hormones causing these emotions. And while every one else was trying to be there for me, the one that I wanted the most to comfort me just ignored me like I was ruining his night.