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Chapter 4: Love...

To all my invisible fans out there who are reading this, welcome. I'm officially sick of sitting at my computer and doing nothing, so why not add a journal entry to talk to no one about my love life. Consider that a warning to leave while you still can.


Alright, so the confession comes first, right? I like a guy who's one of my online friends. In fact, he's the first guy I've ever felt like I might actually love. I've never been fooled by a crush before, so I'm thinking this is the real deal. I think about him all the time; he's part of the reason I can't focus on anything I'm not actually interested in, because I can't stop thinking about him once I start.
He lives a few states away, so the chances of us ever actually meeting are slim, but I hope for the future.


Next the dilemma. Ever since I met him through another of my friends about a year and a half ago, he's liked this other girl I'll just call Jasmine. He met Jasmine before he met me aparently, and has liked her ever since.

It took awhile to make him even like me as a friend because he said I hurt him really bad in one of the first days I met him. I never even knew about that, but he held it against me for months before it ever even came up.

Well anyway, he finally started to like me, and with that, I liked him even more. I've been on and off with him ever since, and basically, it's always been between me and Jasmine. She disappeared for a long time, having a friend tell him she never liked him and to leave her alone. When she came back that all got straitened out, though I don't know how. He didn't tell me all that much about it.

Anyways, before she came back, I had broken up with him because I wanted to try being single for a while. I find commitment a bother just because I like having the between friends and more than friends thing going on. Well, the day I got on to tell him I wanted to be back with him, I found out I'd come too late. While I was gone for the weekend Jasmine had come back and they'd worked everything out. To this day they're together, and I regret leaving him.

The most important thing to me though is that he's happy, so even in the times I easily could have broken them up, I let it be because I know how happy he is with her. I finally got the courage to tell him how much I care for him last week. He told me he feels the same, but without saying it, we both understood. He loves her more than anything.

He's told me before that he didn't want me feeling like a substitute, though not so bluntly. The fact is, I am a substitute. I was only with him when they were apart, and he never liked me as much as her. (He'd never willingly say it to my face.) Still, I know it to be true and I'm at peace with it. Anything to be closer to him.

The one thing I can't stand is that he told me he feels the same. I wish so much that he'd never said that because I'm slowly realizing he'll never feel the same for me as I feel for him. He'll always like her better than me in ever manor, and I know I can't be with him. All I can do is pray that someday I'll meet a guy that makes me feel just the same as he does, but without the complications. Who knows, maybe better?
~Kashi