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I don’t mean to haunt you.. But I love you so..

We were in love. He was perfect. Kind and gentle. Soft to the touch. Perfect.. I spent all my free time holding his hand and being toted along while he showed me places I had never been. My eyes could never wander far from him though. No matter where he took me or what amazing sights would fall before me, I could not look away. I loved his hands. They were my safe place. We were childhood sweethearts. We grew up together and I knew we could grow old together.

But all things must change..

It was a dark and chilly that night. I remember the look in his lovely eyes still. So sad.. but so beautiful.. We had just lost our child due to miscarriage.. It wasn't his fault. I wasn’t strong enough and we both had to suffer for it. He was never an angry man.. But I think that night something broke in him..

He couldn’t handle it. He looked at me in disgust for the first time. I remember him moving so quickly. Reaching for a kitchen knife and bringing it down on my face.. A sharp and clean cut down to the bone. I didn’t even scream. It’s a wonder I didn’t lose my eye. But he didn’t mean it. He wasn’t well. It wasn’t his fault. I wasn’t strong enough.

It healed and left behind a reminder of my failure. He cried after and held me so close as I bled in his arms. Warm safe arms that I cherish so much.. It wouldn’t be the last time either. He promised he would change and sought out help after. Weeks of therapy and he seemed to be ok. I healed and forgave him. How could I not? I loved him with all my body and soul. He said he loved me even with the scar. And every night before I closed my eyes he would kiss it and hold me, never letting me go through the night.

I thought everything was going well again. I started working at a flower shop down the street and he continued to go to therapy. I made friends with the owner. A very sweet man who used magic to enchant flowers so they could stay preserved. I loved my job. Seeing all the different colors and enjoying all the aromas. I had always thought he was fond of me but always politely ignored it. We worked together and that was as far as our relationship went. My friends would giggle and tell me how handsome he was and how they often caught him gazing at me sadly. I ignored their words. It was flattering but I had my soul mate already.

But again.. all things must change..

One night I returned home after a long day of work.. The flower shop owner was kind enough to drop me off and rewarded me for all my hard work by giving me a single white rose with the preserve spell. I took it and gave him a saddening look. One that said I could never be what he wanted.

Inside all the lights were off.. Where was he? Where was my love? I heard him speaking to himself in the bedroom.. He often had struggles with his condition and schizophrenia held him hard that night.. it wasn’t his fault. I called out his name and he looked through me. Not at me.. Through me. The kitchen knife was in his hand again. I could feel my heart sink at the sight. I held out my arms for him. I loved him. This wouldn’t be his fault. He met me with open arms. I smiled and kissed his neck. I could hear his heart beat and breathing. Then.. Then time stopped. I felt the pain in my chest.. I felt the trickle of blood rushing down.

He pulled away with a crazed look in his eyes, and a very handsome smile on his face. I fell to the ground. It was ok. If I were to die then I was glad I could see him before I did. What happened next I did not expect. He grabbed me by my neck and lifted me to the air. I had tears streaming down my cheeks but I made no sound. I didn’t even try to gasp for air. He was ranting about me leaving him and taking our child with me. But that didn’t make sense.. we didn’t have a child. We had lost ours already.. Was this the schizophrenia setting in again? Had he imagined our little girl? I screamed. The painful memory of losing her struck me all over again.

He choked down on me harder until no more noise could escape. I heard him apologizing to me but he didn’t let go. I was damp in my own blood. I felt another sharp pain. This time to my stomach.. He screamed at me. How could I let her go? I agreed and closed my eyes as four more sharp hits struck my stomach.. Did I have any more blood to spill for him? The world came spinning down on me as he let go. That fall felt like a lifetime. The ground looked like it was opening its arms to me, I hit it crumpling in on myself.

He ran out. I don’t know where he was going. It was getting dark and I was struggling to breath.. Feeling my own blood fill my lungs up. There were arms reaching out to me. Was it him? Had my love returned to me? To save me? To say goodbye?

Something went wrong. I wasn’t in my body. I was standing next to it.. looking at the flower shop owner holding my body crying. Had he heard my scream? I could hardly recognize my body. There was so much red.. He picked me up and carried me away. I followed him.. floating in the air in horror. Where was my love? Where had he gone? He took me to a strange place. It was almost like a cave. But there was light shining down on us.

He set me down. A solemn and sad look on his face. I was right in the light, was it moonlight? It was so strange. He leaned in and kissed me and looked up to the light. I heard him murmur something. It sounded like the spell he used on his flowers.. I watched him.. He was in agony. And he looked at me with that same saddened look he had always given me. His body began to glow and disperse into glittering speckles. They fell on my body and absorbed in. He had cast a preservation spell on me.. at the cost of his own life.. My wounds knitted up but I was still soaked and red. He was gone.. gone forever now.. And my body would stay like that.. not living.. not dead.. preserved forever..

I wandered far from that place. Returning home. Looking for my love. He would be in shock when his conditioned wore off.. I wanted to be there to comfort him and tell him it was ok.. The police were there.. and he was standing with them. I listened as he told them he came home to find my blood and that someone must have broken in. For weeks I watched an investigation go over and he got away with it. I was thankful. It wasn’t his fault.. so much had happened to him already..

My funeral was lovely, all my friends and family came. They buried an empty coffin.. unable to find my body. My tombstone had beautiful roses carved into it. I was so happy. Rozaliya Vika. What pretty text they used for my name.

I spent the next few weeks floating above him. He cried and mourned me and I felt so sad to see him that way. He was too handsome to look so angry and sad. He often spoke to a picture of me.. his sickness setting in again.. did he think I spoke back? Could he hear me really speaking to him? We carried on conversations.. though I feel like they were more one sided then he realized.. He needed help.. his schizophrenia was starting to set in strong again.

I soon began to find out my ghostly body could do more than just float. I could become physical.. I could reach out and touch things, move things. I would follow him and clean up after him. I kept the house tidy and watched over him. But I wanted more.. I needed more.. I missed kissing him and holding his hands. But I couldn’t do that anymore. But maybe just reaching out to touch his face would be enough. I tried. But every time I did I left trails of bruises. I did this for weeks.. just reaching out to touch his face. He began to cry a lot and scream out when I did. So I stopped.. I stopped doing everything.. ten years passed with my silence.

And he stopped talking to me.. He went back to therapy.. He met someone new.. and I began to fade away.. Every day I could feel myself weaker. With no one to remember me.. how could I continue on?

Things can change..

With my love spending more time with her.. I found it became harder to enter his house.. who was she? Why did her presence stop me from entering? She was different than others. Soon I found I could only see him at night when she left to go home. I watched him sleep and I wept. I began spending more time in parks. Watching birds and children. They brought a smile to my face but it wasn’t enough. Every night I would visit him. My eyes began to form permanent tears. I could no longer stop crying at the slightest of things. He was my safety. My world. My EVERYTHING! How could I carry on..

There was a way out.. I learned that if I could find a certain item.. I could return to my body. I wouldn't be the same.. not alive or human but I would be back in the world. I have to find it. I have to find the one thing that can bring me back to him. He has to remember me again! He will. I know he will.

I don’t mean to haunt you.. But I love you so..