Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

My grandfather died in May of 2012 after fighting almost a year long battle of Lung Cancer. His father was still alive when he passed. Then, on the same day one year later at midnight (exactly, I s**t you not), my great grandfather died after some form of cancer causing his liver to stop functioning came to be. It was hard seeing them leave. My great grandfather can still be seen on Google Earth on his swinging bench. cry My great grandmother is still really depressed because she finally realized she depended on her husband for almost everything. My grandmother is the same way, but she depended on her husband for laughter and happiness in life. I cried at a funeral for the first time when my grandfather died. I cried so much. I even saw my uncle crying, and it was terrible! I had never seen him cry before.

Sometimes I don't remember they're gone. It's like they're always here, but I know they aren't. I expect to see them in church, right next to their wives. I always wait for my grandfather to squeeze my knee or hold my hand. I make images of them where they are supposed to be. I'm not ready for all of this change. I want to hug them so much, but there is nothing to hug. I always think my grandfather is on his annual golf trip. Or that my great grandfather is working in his garage. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one out of my family who cries herself to sleep at night thinking about them. I care, I care SO much. I need to see them. I need to hear their voices. I need to embrace their presences. I would give anything to be with them for one day. Anything.

As I write, refreshing tears from my emotions comfort me in knowing I do care about people, for sometimes I forget.

So as my family dwindles down to a few members each year, I am starting to feel lonelier than ever. Nothing seems right anymore. Things don't quite fit together. Holidays aren't happy, my birthday is just another passing day, and family deaths take up a majority of the year. Our family never did anything wrong.

Tomorrow is Easter and I am spending it with my father. I'm usually the one who stays with him, but he doesn't really have anyone else. He divorced my mom back in November ad now he only has me. He gets my two younger siblings on the weekends (sometimes weekdays). I feel bad for him because his family is spread all across the Eastern Seaboard and he is stuck here with me because I don't want to live with my mother. He literally has no family here. Also, I'm probably the worst child ever. There's just something inside of me that doesn't accept all of the changes that are happening, and it's taking a toll on my emotions. I mean, I'm already a hormonal, low self-esteemed teenage girl dealing with heartbreak and yadda yadda. My great grandmother is in a nursing home, my grandmother's friends are all dying, my dad's parents have a lot of health issues, and there's something wrong with me.

Sometimes I wonder if life is worth living. (And this is not just the hormones talking)
Eventually, I will only have my immediate family, and they're not even together.
I don't really have any friends... or internet friends (and that's sad). There are no good role models for me to look up to. I don't look up to anyone now. My mother is the one who caused the divorce by cheating on my father, and I don't want to be that kind of person. My grades are horrendous, I never look decent, and I don't open up to anyone (except now, for venting purposes (thanks Gaia)).

I need someone to listen, to hear me. Please be out there. I want someone to understand. I need them to listen, understand, and comprehend without bias and their own experiences.