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Depressed
I am finally getting days off which is great YAY!.. but I can't help feeling like something is missing. I want something, I want something very badly. I fear my husband will never be ready for what I want. I want to be a mother. I want children. A child. I don't care. Then sometimes I don't. I really don't. I feel as if I am at war with myself and I can't talk to ANYONE!!! I can't talk to my mom because she would be perfectly happy if I never had children. (I have health issues) My sister won't take her head out of a computer long enough to really have conversations and I am scared that if she does she will say something to hurt me. Not on purpose, but she is very blunt. I am very emotional. So, sometimes, we clash..big time. Also we are Catholic. We kind of promise to try and have kids when married and I really do not need that lecture from her, when I am hurting like this. I love her soso much. But with this..this one little issue..I will not dare. Then there is my brother and his wife. They think that i am letting people talk me out of wanting children. In reality, I just DO NOT KNOW if I am ready. I have talked to my husband so many times, it isn't funny and I am worried because he shows absolutely NO INTEREST in having kids EVER. Every time my monthly issues happen I get a little depressed. Going into the baby section causes me PHYSICAL PAIN. Okay not really but it makes my heart hurt and I get out of there as quick as I can. I see all of this baby stuff that I would like to get for my kids, but I get it and give it to my niece, that way it will be used. I want children...my husband..I just realized... doesn't.. I won't leave him..I can live without kids...I can't without him..so I guess I will just live without children. I will spoil my nieces and nephews.
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