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Hi.
I am writing this evening because after many fights with my siblings and parents, I believed it was time to end my life. I constantly think of ways to do it, but never carry them out because I'm afraid something good will happen to me right after it happens. Today, however, I told my friends about what happened, am 100% prepared to OD, and have no thoughts about regretting it. I thought maybe this would help before I made my final decision. I've never explicitly told anyone about my thoughts before, (or my actions) and this is a large step for me. I thought I was getting better, but I continued downhill. I just read an article on how people who are suicidal need to make it through at least a couple of minutes in order to be okay. Well, I've read that, looked up this website, and have started to email you all. I've made it through this time, but I worry that another negative event will happen before the time you respond and I will take my life.
I've had suicidal thoughts for over seven years, but have put them aside to try to enjoy the positive things in my life. I'm in theatre and snag lead roles (which are the aforementioned positive things most of the time), but I'm focused on the future. Many people suggest/ know a career path in the arts will take you nowhere. I, for one, didn't know that was an actual thought until I started to rely on my musicals to give me an outlook on my future. I had found a wonderful handful of colleges that were out-of-state that I really had my sights set on. A few days ago, after the future senior meeting, I asked my dad if we could agree on dates for a few college tours. He said no and that I need to look at something in-state because he doesn't want to drive that far or in snow (my out-of-states are in New England). I realized I had no chance of getting into a good university in my state by my freshman year. I'm simply not qualified. The only things I have to show for my years in high school are the musicals that I've done. There's nothing else. I am highly underqualified. I'm set to take the SAT in May and my AP English test as well, but I know for certain if I do poorly on those, my dad will disown me.
My parents divorced my freshman year after the passing of my closest grandfather. A year after that (the same year of the divorce), my great grandfather passed. Last semester, my great grandmother passed. My grades are in the gutter. I do not particularly like the people I hang out with. I've never anything bad in school (e.g. gotten ISA, OSS, had detention, had to retake a class, gotten in any trouble with the administration whatsoever), yet I am never noticed by any teacher or administrator (which I suppose is a good thing if you look at it in a way, but most kids in my grade have a strong bond with many of them) unless my grades have dropped; I sincerely don't know what to do.
I self harm, but not in the cutting sense. I tend to bang my head against things or bang stuff against it. I never tell anyone that because it's straight up loony-bin material (according to my sister and father). I've given myself a nosebleed from doing it. I contort myself in ways that are painful to me and stay like that until I fall asleep (obviously releasing the position during it).
I have difficulties getting to sleep and staying asleep. This past week, it has been even worse. It switches, though, from not being able to sleep, to taking a thirteen hour "nap". My dad says I'm lazy, but I really don't know why I sleep for that long; they don't even bother waking me up. Even with the heaps of sleep I get during that part of the cycle, or the bursts of energy I get from staying awake all night, I'm tired. Always exhausted. Like right now. I can't concentrate, so I'm going to send this and wait for a response since I don't have the mental capacity to finish the whole thing.
Cheers.